Control Freak

So I few weekends ago I had a complete emotional breakdown. I'm not sure I can point to one specific thing that caused it really, I just straight up broke down. I hauled the boys to the parents house and tried to keep it  together in hopes a break from them would help. Well it didn't, within a matter of minutes I lost it sobbing. I never cry, nonetheless throw down a giant sobfest. I'm pretty sure I kind of startled her a little but she was nice enough to just give me a hug and let me cry.
So that experience led me to re-evaluate some things. I know I'm feeling in limbo about my location. When to move, where to move, what will be best in the long run for my family and my finances. I'm feeling out of whack about my physical health...it's only getting worse by the day. I'm worried about Ry and school, I don't know that he's prepared and don't know what to do to help him. I'm worried about Nate and the friends he's hanging out at school. I'm worried about Ty and his surgery, his constant fits, the lying, and the insecurities he has. I hate our limited time with each other, I feel out of sync as a parent. I'm worried about this dang apartment, since I'm pretty sure that massive leaking roof issue from winter screwed with the electrical work and that can't be safe. I don't think it's good to hear buzzing coming from the switches when lights are on....and so much more. So slowly I'm trying to figure out what to do to remedy these things.
I remember back when my life was completely out of whack and was trying to figure out how to replicate what I was doing when I turned things around. I started going back to church...which I'm doing now so that's checked off the list. We started doing things as a family more...which I'm trying to do now so that's a work in progress. The one thing out of sync is that I was doing Weight Watchers at the time. I was in control of my body and feeling fantastic. I've heard numerous times before that if you get your body under control, everything else seems to fall into place. So that is the missing link I think. I need to get in control of my body. So, I've joined Weight Watchers again. Saturday was my first weigh in. This is my first week. So far, so good. I have been trying to contain my excitement as I don't want to get my hopes up, but then I realize that the excitement is a key part of success. I have to believe this will help my change things and get back in control or it won't work, I know myself well enough to know I'll give up if I don't have hope.
Weight Watchers will become a regular part of the blog again. And a regular part of my life again. I am truly excited to see how this not only changes my physical side, but my whole self as well. I'm hoping this will spur off getting control of my life and surroundings a little better. Here's to hoping and crossing fingers.

House Dreaming ..... again

There is this Cute Little House  for sale in a little circle across the street from the boys' school. Its small...or should I say "cozy" and kind of outdated. But all in all a pretty decent house, especially for being listed at $117,000 (and its been listed for awhile, so I bet a lower offer would be accepted). The payment on that bad boy would be like $400.
Anyway, so in my boredom what do I do? Play around with ideas to update that little house of course. There are lots of little ways to DIY a remodel for cheap. So here is what I came up with. And on the panoramic views...just move the viewing down to the middle and you will get the effect I think.....

*All pictures are taken from the listing linked above...ERA Reality Cedar City.

Before of Bathroom

And my after creation panorama style.

Kitchen Before...

And my after creation (this one ended up smaller than the before probably is, and the doorway didn't show in the panorama but you get the point).

Living Room Before

And my after creation (the grey stuff is supposed to be black...interesting how it all comes together on the panoramic).

Before bedroom/basement room

And the after. Geez this thing doesn't do colors very well..... the walls are greenish-gray...and yet again the grays are supposed to be black. And the pretty picture above the chaise is of a beautiful landscape....not the wall. Oh well. You get the point.

And who could forget the backyard of course...

I have no before to go off of, but hey this could be right :)

Ok dream time is over. All CAD designs were done on Autodesk Homestyler, its a free, web-based tool that is pretty awesome to play around with if you like that kind of thing.

Lots and Lots Going On

This has been quite the week so far in our little world. On Sunday we had our first true, blue family dinner bbq on the new grill that my dad got for Christmas. The burgers were definitely yummy. We followed that up with a fun game of Phase 10. I haven't played that game forever. Ty jumped in too and actually did pretty darn good for having been his first time. I was impressed.

via my SIL on Instagram

Monday was my nephew Jack's birthday. We all had fun eating some cake and ice cream, and watching Wreck It Ralph with him. I can't believe how big he is getting, it seems like he was just a baby not too long ago and now he's officially entered toddlerhood. He is a true blessing to our family and the cutest little guy to be around. We love you Jack!

Monday also brought on some fun times for Nate who got some woodchip pieces in his eye during school and had a sore, swollen eye. Being the awesome parent I am, I told him just to keep blinking, anything he didn't get out would just work it's way out.

The day after...

Well when Nate woke up on Tuesday, his entire eye was swollen shut. The poor kid was miserable and I figured it was probably time to break down and go see a doc. Luckily, the great Optometrist up the street had an opening so we got right in (and was able to chat with one of my good friends who I completely forgot worked there until we checked in...bonus!). It ended up Nate had a wood splinter caught in a little pocket of his eyelid, and every time he blinked it scratched his eyeball (yeah.....I felt like an awesome parent for telling him to blink more the day before). So the doc flipped his eyelid inside out and got the sliver out, then turned his eye neon so the med student and I could see the scratches on his eyeball (rub it in buddy haha). It was pretty fascinating and Nate absolutely loved all the attention he got that day.

The same day Ry had to go get his kindergarten shots and since we have been in a battle with our pediatrician over a big bill the insurance didn't cover, we haven't been in to see the doc for awhile. We were quite behind on shots.The poor guy had to get 4 of them (and 2 more in a month....and 2 more in 6 months). He was brave though, didn't even cry until the last one that is a stinger.

And then today my apartment managers called and set my yearly recert appointment (we are in a subsidized place). Last year they didn't verify income but I think they are finally starting to be more in compliance to their subsidies so this year they will be. Considering we barely squeaked by when we got in this place, I have a sneaky feeling we aren't going to qualify any longer now that I make more money. Which means we will be moving sooner than expected. Which also means I need to decide if I'm going to stay here or move to St George. But I have concerns with both options that are a pretty big deal. And to not help things at all, I browsed Craigslist and found a house that is about two blocks from the elementary that is about half a mile from my work. I could walk the kids to school then walk to work every day. The neighborhood is one of the better ones in St George as well, and I could afford the payment.

The house via Craigslist and www.advancedrealty.com

But see if I moved then I'd have to figure out what to do with the boys all summer since Nate is getting to old to go to daycare and Ty is quickly approaching that age as well. I know I could work around school schedules but its the summer that is tough.

But....if I stay in Cedar I will continue to have $400+ gas expenses a month (my gosh I wish gas prices would go down) to commute every day which seriously limits the amount of rent I can pay....which seriously limits my selection of rentals here in town.

And then I read the blog of my friend who just had a baby a monthish ago...and said baby almost died from RSV, only to find out that he has heart defects of a serious nature that have required extended stays in the hospital, life flights and surgeries.....and all of a sudden my problems seem really trivial.

I have been blessed and continue to be blessed, so I guess it's time to throw my hands up and trust that I will be taken in the direction I'm meant to go, just as I have been in the past. I just need to remember to have a little faith.

Small Miracles

So I've had a slow leak in one of my tires for the last little bit but it's been holding air really well, so I haven't been terribly worried about it. Regardless, I made a habit to check that tire every time I got in the car to go anywhere. So I went for a late lunch yesterday and on the way home I took a back road shortcut through a little hill (mind you I checked my tire before I left). I was almost back to my office, only about a mile away, when all of a sudden there was an insanely loud THUD THUD THUD that was like freaking surround sound in my car. It took me a minute to really register what was going on before I realized it was my dang tire. I found a wide spot in front of an elementary school near work and pulled over to check out the damage. My tire had literally came off the rim. Like completely torn off. 

Here is where the small miracle part comes in. Two gents were standing out front of the school right where I pulled over. As soon as I got out of the car, both came over to make sure I was okay. They were kind enough to help me put the spare tire on, which proved to be quite the feat. Both were really quite funny, I think they were teachers at the school. I know one was in charge of interventions, but I'm not sure of the other. One said he had always been taught to help women who he saw in need and if his daughter or wife were in trouble, he sure hoped someone would help them as well. Good karma you know? But the whole time it was just joking and laughing, showing off their "feats of strength" and every once if I was getting too close to the road would nudge me back towards the sidewalk.

I feel blessed. What are the chances that someone (not to mention two someones) who were trustworthy (like, not going to kidnap me and kill me) and capable of helping would be precisely where I needed them to be at that very moment in time? It was during school hours, after lunch time when usually people aren't just kicking around outside, in fact I rarely see anyone when I pass by there during lunch. Some may just call it a lucky break, but for me.....it was my miracle.

General Conference

This weekend was the LDS General Conference where we get to stay home in our jammies and listen to the Prophet and Apostles give us comfort and guidance. There were a few messages that stood out to me and I wanted to share (watch the talks here or go to www.lds.org).

From Marriage - Watch and Learn by L. Whitney Clayton -
This message helped me to know that even if I'm considered "old fashioned" by many in society, the desires I have for a happy relationship/marriage are not a thing of the past. It was comforting to see Elder Clayton encouraging married couples to seek a higher standard in their marriages. A few excerpts that really stood out to me are as follows:

"The best marriage partners regard their marriages as priceless. Husbands and wives are to treat each other as equal partners. They respect each other, make decisions unanimously and are entitled to an equal voice."

"Where there is respect, there is transparency which is a key element of happy marriages. There are no secrets about relevant matters based on mutual respect and transparency."

"Loyalty is a form of respect. Successful marriage partners are fiercely loyal to each other and don't do things that might betray the sacred trust of their spouses. They never do or say anything that approaches the appearance of impropriety either virtually or physically. Love each other with complete devotion."

"There are those who are.....single parents (...etc) and these circumstances are full of challenge and heartbreak. May heaven bless you richly. Seek after forming the ideal of an eternal marriage, including striving or preparing to be a worthy spouse. Trust the Lord and his perfect love for you. One day every promised blessing for marriage will be yours."

The Home, the School of Life by Enrique R Falabella - 

"In order to contend, you need two people and I will never be one of them. We need to live a celestial life. The words I love you, thank you very much, and forgive me are like food for the soul. They transform tears to happiness, they provide comfort to weighed down soul and confirm tender feelings of the heart. We need to make our homes a piece of heaven here on earth."

I loved that first sentence soo much. It made me want to be a better parent and teach my boys the principles of love and compassion for others, especially our family.

Lord, I Believe by Jeffrey R Holland -

The message rattled me to the depths of my soul and left me literally sobbing because I have struggled for so long with the fact that I couldn't positively say "I know what is true and what is not" when it came to religion. I have questions and doubts, and this helped me to know that it's okay. It is comforting to know that there is a higher power who "gets it" and understands that sometimes believing is the best we can do for now.

"Even if you can do no more than desire to believe, Alma declares, let this desire work in you even until you believe."

"For all who wish for more faith, remember this man. Hold the ground you have already won even if it's limited. When those moments come and issues surface where the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not your issue. It is the integrity you demonstrate towards the faith you do have and the truth you do know."

"When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith with saying how much you do not have. That is like stuffing a turkey through the beak. Let me be clear....I am not asking you to pretend to have faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Be as candid about your questions as you need to be. But if you and your family want to be healed, don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working it's miracle."

"In this world, everyone is to walk by faith. Be kind regarding human frailty, your own as well as those who serve with you. Except in the case of his only Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating but he deals with it. So should we. Be patient, kind and forgiving."

"When doubt or difficulty come, do not be afraid to ask for help. The scriptures phrase this earnest desire as being pursued by full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God. God will send help from both sides of the veil to strengthen our belief. Belief is a precious word and an even more precious act. Never apologize for 'only believing'. Christ himself said 'Be not afraid, only believe'."

"If your faith is a little tested, lean on mine. Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and concerns but first and forever fan the flame of your faith because all things are possible to those that believe."


As most of you may know, I have not always made the best choices in the world. My choices led to pain, heartbreak and neglect of those things most important to me. When I realized the errors of my ways, I struggled to know what direction to take my life. I did not know what to believe in or what path to follow to obtain the happiness I so desperately wanted for my little family.What I did know was that I did not want my boys to follow in my footsteps. I wanted to set a better example to them. I started going back to church on and off, and it was the only place that I was able to find peace. The more I went, the more our situation improved. Our family was blessed in ways that I can't even start to comprehend or explain.
This isn't to say I have found my cure all. I still have my vices that I struggle with daily. I still have so many doubts and questions as to what is the truth. I do not know without a doubt that the LDS church is the true church. But what I do know is that my family is happier. We are more connected and more at peace. I am able to better handle my responsibilities as a mother. My boys are more obedient and helpful (for the most part). So that is enough for me. I may not know for a fact, but I do believe.

Finally....telling about our fun times

You'll be happy to hear I've cooled off a tad from my hectic night the other night. I don't feel guilty anymore but I think I scared the kids a tad with my retirement. The next morning they all said sorry and we moved on with life. And have been listening a lot better too, so that's a plus.

So on with it. Time to share pictures!

We went to go look at the baby chicks a week or two ago and were a bit sad that there was only one little turkey chick (I have no idea what they are really called) but we had fun playing all the same.

Ryders fav hat was the red felt one

Tyler thought he'd try the goober look on for size

Nate actually pulls off the cowboy look pretty well I say.

We went camping last weekend as well with my sister-in-law's family. After checking in on work stuff, we trekked out on Friday afternoon to Snow Canyon where they were staying. It was absolutely beautiful and we had a really fun time! We hiked quite a bit and I learned that I am no longer in the shape I thought I was....10 yrs ago when I was actually healthy.....

The boys chilling after climbing up the first "mountain"

Our view from the first peak of the "Petrified Dunes". That line of white is our vehicles at the trailhead. It was a long hike.

The little specs ahead are the boys running up the dunes.

One of the sweet ladies that was with us took this picture at the top of one of the  peaks. I'm sure I was still a few miles behind but thought it was absolutely hilarious.

The boys with a few of the awesome family hikers who were ahead of us.

We also played a few games at the campsite, kick ball being the favorite I think. This was red light green light.

We came back from camping on Saturday afternoon and had a chance to rest our bones before Easter Sunday rolled around. The family had a delish dinner and followed up with an egg hunt. It as a lot of fun!

The boys with their goods....Ry's smile makes me laugh every time.

The funny moment from the night of terror.....Ry sneaking bites from the pot after dinner.

We also had a fantastic training at work on Wednesday evening that was meant to help us improve customer service as company. We really strive to make every person's experience fantastic and are constantly searching for ways to improve. This training really helped. But the biggest thing I came away with was that changing is never easy. It will be uncomfortable and awkward at first, but it gets better with time. If someone wants to truly change their behavior, their thinking, their mannerisms....it is going to take hard work. It won't be sunshine and unicorns. But if you truly want to change, you will put forth the effort.

His first example was folding arms. If you fold your arms, you will most likely do it the same way every time. But try folding them the opposite way. It is awkward and takes thought to do something different than what your used to.

His second example was of his son who was trying out for a team. His son was extremely talented, yet didn't make it on the team. The reason why was because one of the bigger chunks of the scoring was getting along with the other players on the field and being sociable.The son is naturally an introvert and doesn't generally socialize, and it caused him not to make the team even though he had the talent. The son has since been working on being more sociable and is improving his skills.

Change takes constant thought. It takes doing things differently intentionally to reach your goals. I've never thought about it in that way before. I tend to give up easily on my goals because I don't see progress as quickly as I'd like. Or because it's "too hard" when in reality I'm just looking for the easy way out. This has spurred a lot of thought in my head about all the times I've thought "I wish I was more like _______ or I wish I was better at ________." I can change the things I want to change, but it will take work.

So...that's that. I hope ya'll have a great weekend!

I quit....at least for tonight. My epic parenting fail

I was planning on sharing fun pictures and experiences from our weekend campout. I was also planning on sharing fun pictures from our Easter adventures and some funny-isms the boys have pulled out the last few days that I still laugh at.

But then tonight happened.

We made the deal last night that we would go see The Croods for family night if we all agreed to clean the house tonight since we missed out weekend cleaning due to camping. Well that blew up in my face.

It started with Tyler claiming he couldn't do homework because he couldn't find a pencil that would sharpen.... so I sharpened one and sent him on his way. Nate claimed to do his homework but instead filled up his water gun and proceeded to absolutely drench Ryder making it look like he pee'd his pants. Tyler then broke his pencil again so I sharpen again but while that was happening Nate was drenching Tyler with water from the water gun.

By this point I thought I had things calmed down to finish dinner when got a call from one of my clients, Nate started drenching the house with water, Ryder somehow got a hold of the kitchen shears I used to cut open the meat with and Tyler was complaining his pencil broke again. We finally got sat down and started eating (amazing how food temporarily calms boys....). I let them know that cleaning was happening after we eat which of course made Tyler argue about why we shouldn't clean. Nate and Ryder get done and clear their spots but when I get up Ryder was eating more spaghetti straight from the pot with the mixing spoon and Nate was holding the pot down encouraging him (which was kind of funny actually but still).

I left the room for about 2 seconds and when I came back in Tyler's entire bowl of spaghetti was on the hallway floor and he was crying, Ryder was crying and Nate was sulking away in his room. No one would fess up to what happened of course. So I finished starting the laundry I had attempted to start previously and when I walked back to the kitchen there was now spaghetti not only in the hallway but on the floor, counters, sink, and cabinets. It looked like someone blew up a spaghetti bomb in the kitchen.

I start cleaning that up and ask them to help, which of course started the blame game and since Casper the ghost apparently blew up the spaghetti bomb in the kitchen, none of them should help clean it up. Oh and they couldn't clean up their rooms either because it would take FOREVER. And they couldn't help pick up their things in the living room either. Or the bathroom. Or the hallway. Or my bedroom. Or anywhere else for that matter. But apparently it was very okay to wrestle around until Tyler screamed and stomped away pouting and Nate got kicked in the nose. They all got sent to their rooms to clean but of course that didn't happen and instead more fighting ensued.

By this point my nerves are absolutely shot. 100% shot. Have your nerves ever been absolutely shot to the point of no return? Yeah I was there. I pretty much told them I quit. This momma was on strike. If they didn't want to listen to me and work together, then I quit. They were in charge of their own bedtimes/laundry/food/every other household chore that I could think of at that very minute. And if they wanted to be in my good graces again they should probably clean their rooms without fighting and without me asking again. And....that didn't even phase them for the first little bit until they realized I just might actually be serious when I sent them to bed early without doing our normal routine.

Well....I have calmed down and the guilt has set in. I feel horrible for not reading stories, brushing teeth, tucking into bed and the rest of our normal bedtime routine. I feel horrible for telling them they had to do their own cooking/laundry/etc. I have given them all kisses and told them I loved them, even though they are sleeping....but it doesn't help me to not feel like a complete epic fail as a parent. I'm not going to let them off the hook on cleaning their rooms, I just really wish I could figure out how to teach them the importance of listening and doing chores when I ask, not just when they feel like it. Sigh. Parenting really sucks sometimes. I hope I don't screw them up for life. I should probably start saving for Psychiatrist bills now though, I'm sure. Praying for a better day tomorrow.