Tyler Got Baptized!

Tyler and Grandpa

Tyler got baptized today! I am soo proud of him for making this choice. Grandpa Carlile both baptized and confirmed him. He did great too! I know he was nervous, but it all went off without a hitch, for the most part. Tyler only had to get dunked once. Me being the super organized (read that with a LOT of sarcasm) person that I am wasn't super prepared, but I think everything turned out okay. They had also asked me to give a talk and it was a little scary. I am pretty sure I botched it up and I also started crying a little near the end which was embarrassing. It was a short little talk and I still managed to cry. Argh. 

When I was preparing my talk, I pretty much just wrote down pointers that I wanted to mention and went from there on my own (sorry Steph, I'd email you that but it would be a bunch of chicken scratch randomness). Except for one quote. Have any of you heard of Al Fox? If not, you need to. She is an absolutely amazing person. I ended the talk with a quote from her blog (click here to check her out) that I wanted to share because it touched me the first time I read it, and it is what triggered the tears in my talk.

"I am blessed with daily guidance, help, support, warning and comfort. Blessed because I know that I am never alone, that there is ALWAYS someone who is listening and ALWAYS knows how to help, and ALWAYS knows what I need. I will ALWAYS be loved - and that I will ALWAYS have a best friend....a Father in Heaven, and Savior. The blessings are endless and eternal."

I am an awkward public speaker so I don't know that anyone got much out of my talk, but if they did I sure hope it was the message in this quote. You are never alone. Even when your making choices you know you shouldn't, you still have someone looking out for you and I can attest to that personally. I've made my fair share of mistakes but have always been blessed, even when I didn't deserve the blessings I got. I'm so excited for Tyler and hope that he will come to understand the significance of the choice he made today, and that he knows no matter what he will never be alone.

A New Path

Well after much debate, I have opted to take the other job opportunity and start a new adventure. I think it will be a good move, I will be here in town (woot woot! no more commuting!) and will be working with a fantastic group. The pay is comparable but most importantly it has full benefits. I am looking forward to this, considering the hospital bills for Tyler's surgery are starting to roll in and so far I'm up to right around $25,000 in medical bills. I don't know how much Tyler's CHIP is going to cover yet, but so far I'm looking at around $9,000 for my portion. That is a much better number than $25,000 but still pretty scary, I'm going to be paying on that bill for a very long time. My child support has been approved too...now I just need to start receiving it. I don't know when that will start but hopefully soon, I'm hoping I will be able to make a small dent in those hospital bills with it after I get the boys a few more things they need for school that I haven't been able to afford yet.

Most of all I am looking forward to not having to wonder if I'm getting a paycheck or not. The stress that brings is not my friend, and I've really hated having to wonder if I'd have enough money to pay bills not to mention buy our food and put gas in the car. It has definitely been an adventure trying to make $20-$30 worth of food last through to the next paycheck....thank goodness I stocked up on our food storage a bit before hard times hit otherwise I'm pretty positive we would've been toast. 

I am going to miss my Patriot family though. I absolutely love the people I work with and the family that has been created there. I've never met a more kind, caring and generous group of people in a workplace before and really will miss them terribly. It has been a pretty hard week as my co-workers slowly find out I gave my two weeks notice. There have been a whole lot of hugs and well wishes to me and my family. The big wig CEO of the company even came and gave me a hug the other day to let me know he's sure going to miss me but supported my decision. I really love those guys. 

I am looking forward to starting next week but of course am nervous to have to go through another learning curve. I think overall it will be a little easier than my current company, just because if I understand right we will only have one or two banks we work with and one underwriting group so I won't have to learn a million different guidelines, overlays, compliance procedures, etc. But I will be working with different data systems and have to get to know the underwriters so I can get a sense of what they look for on the loans, and that will be the tough part. But I am up for the challenge and look forward to learning and getting to know them better. Everyone I have talked to says that this new company is fantastic so that helps me feel better about the move as well.

So here is to a new path in life. I hope it leads to much learning and growing, and helps me to be a better person in the end. I know this current job has changed me for the better and I hope to keep the changes coming.

Happy Birthday Tyler!

My sweet little child Tyler has turned 8! Last Thursday.....yeah I'm a day or ten behind. We ended up going to a movie, him and I. We went to see Planes which is possibly the cutest movie I've seen in a long time. I highly suggest it. Then he went to his Dad's for the weekend and came back to a joint party with a few of the awesome in-law family members on Sunday. He was ecstatic to get his very first BB gun as you can see in the picture above. He also got a cool Lego set that is displayed on our dining room table currently, since we can't put them away for fear of breaking/Ryder destroying/Nate playing with them/etc/etc/etc. My present to him is a tad delayed as we couldn't find it...but a Doctor Dreadful Snot Shooter thing should be coming shortly from Amazon. It looks as gross as it sounds and plus side...the snot is edible! Ohhhhhh yeah. I love that kid. We have many conflicts, but many many more happy times and I can't even remotely imagine my life without him. So if you are reading this some day down the road, just know Ty that I love you very much and hope you know that every single second of every single day.

The boys also had their first day of school on Tyler's birthday and did awesome. Ryder is having a hard time understanding why he isn't starting yet, since kindergarten starts later than the others. But we did have our assessment with his teacher and that got him very excited to go, so much that he has had a come apart every day in daycare so far. We also learned he will be in extended day kindergarten which I'm hoping will help him catch up. Tyler is loving his teacher so far this year too. They all sang and wrote birthday letters to him on his birthday, which I thought was awesome since some teachers wouldn't take the time on the first day to do so. Nate seems to be doing okay as well and really likes his teacher. I really hope that this year will go a little smoother than the last year. I'm really going to be working on being more connected to their happenings at school and trying to step in as needed. I haven't been so good at that in the past, but apparently I'm growing up a little?

Anywho.....this has been a fun few weeks and I am grateful I have the ability to share it with those I love and adore. Thank you all for being in my life and loving my little family to pieces.

Hopeless Place... Music is Powerful

For the last little bit things have been difficult for our family. Financially....which snowballs to emotionally..... which snowballs to physically (I gained 2 lbs this last week...sigh)....its a big giant downhill snowball. I've gotten an opportunity to switch jobs to a fantastic place with great people, stable pay and it's local (no more commuting!). But I would be giving up the people who have grown to be my second family, in a place that has been by far the best workplace I have ever gotten to experience. I would be giving up the flexibility that I have cherished over the last year. I feel soo blessed to be where I am. The decision is pulling me in every single direction. Do I stay where I am with my second family, or switch jobs for financial security? I really admire and respect the person offering me the job and think it would also be a fantastic place to work, but it's really hard to move. Especially where things are really starting to pick up again at my current job. I just don't know what to do.

But that isn't the only thing weighing on me. I feel like there is a piece of me missing. I have felt this in the past but it hasn't weighed on me as much as it is now. I feel like there is something bigger in this world for me but it is just out of my reach. I don't even know what it is, funny enough. But it's there, and it's calling to me, and I can't reach it. I'm holding myself back and don't know how to change it. Or rather I don't have the faith that if I make the changes I think I need to make, it will pay off and I will thrive instead of falling flat on my face. I was thinking about this today during church and there was a lesson given on living up to our full potential (isn't that how it always works? when we struggle with something, it comes a blaring). We talked about a parable of a man who lived wealthy, had a high social standing, was morally sound, did everything he felt he needed to do to live a good life. But something was missing. When he asked God what he needed to do to find that missing piece, God instructed him to sell all of his belongings and serve the poor. Give up his wealth to follow a path he was meant to lead. This wasn't because his wealth was bad, it was because his focus on obtaining wealth and possessions were keeping him from fulfilling his purpose, selflessly serving others.

I believe with all of my heart that we all have a calling in life, something that we are meant to do while we are here. It's not always apparent but I think it sits in our soul until we are ready to embrace it. I think the talents we are given help us to come closer to understanding our part in this world and what we can do to be an influence for the better. I just wish I could see the bigger picture. I wish I could just have a little glimpse of what I am supposed to be doing, because right now I feel like I'm just trying to make it through the day without breaking down.

And then out of the blue tonight a friend of mine starting talking to me on Facebook and we got to discussing how sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, for every step forward you get thrown two steps back. And sometimes you just have to keep working at it until you finally catch your big break. And then he sends me a song. A beautiful, amazing, and powerful song. I don't know why he decided to share this song with me as we have never shared music before but I strike it up to something in him knowing I needed to be uplifted. And uplifted I am. I still don't know what's missing in my life or how to meet my full potential, but I am feeling a little less hopeless now. And I wanted to share, I hope this touches you as much as it did me.

We Found Love - Lindsey Stirling