Merry Christmas!

I know I'm probably not going to be getting on here during the next like...5 days....I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I feel very blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people and I wish you all the best!

Santas Real!

A couple weeks ago we wrote letters to Santa and dropped them in the box at Lins. And then didn't think twice about it.

Well last night we got home and checked the mail and guess what was in there?
Santa Letters!

The boys were soooo excited that

a. they got mail and

b. they got mail from Santa!

You could tell for the most part they were form letters but they were all different and they mentioned some of the things the boys had asked for so it was great. They thought they were just the bees knees. It made me a little bit more excited about this whole Christmas thing.

So thank you to whomever is Santas helpers writing back to those kids...its soo worth it to see the joy it brought to my little boys.

Countdown to Christmas

The boys are counting the days. Its officially 4 days, 18 hours, 23 minutes and 44...43...42 seconds to Christmas. Just kidding I have no idea how long it is other than the day part. Their presents have started to roll in at work and I'm starting to feel it more and more. The weather is definitely helping since its cold and blustery (I kinda like cold and blustery). So today is a day to remember blessings.

-Blessed to be able to afford to live. Although its tight, and its not fantastically awesome to be poor...I do have enough to cover my bills and I'm grateful for that.
-Blessed to have a nice roof over my head. Its nice not having to watch the boys stomp and smash cockroaches...even if it does come with a higher rent tag.
-Blessed to have a car. Which I'm tryin to see the positives with right now since I'm pretty much just praying it lasts until taxes come back so I can buy a new one. Its a race against the clock. But at least I have a way of getting around.
-Blessed that I have a plan in place for me. I may not know what it is...but every time I start to doubt it I get a swift kick in the butt telling me just to have faith and things will work out. Also a swift kick saying to take care of business so it can work out. But all the same...I know he's there and loves me.

Bah Humbug

I for some reason have not been in the Christmasy mood this year. I've tried. But it hasn't worked. And its sad because this is the first Christmas Ryder has been super excited about and old enough to remember anything about. Nate and Tyler of course are very excited and even more excited they get to spend the time with me instead of their dad which is another reason I should be ecstatic. And I'm happy I get to spend that time with them of course but the holiday itself is just not feelin it for me.
So I'm listening to Christmas music in hopes of a more Christmasy attitude and Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant has come on. The words are getting to me today which is funny because I don't know how many times I've sang that song and haven't thought twice. But these words are striking the heart...

"I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear.

In a world as cold as stone must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Do you wonder as you watch my face if a wiser one should've had my place?

But I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong,

Help me be,

Help me."

Amen to that.

A Manly Man

I have decided I need a man. And not just any man. A manly man. He's got to be respectful, honest, trustworthy, romantic, kind, funny, good with kids (with good daddy potential of course), good to me, has a job, has a car, etc, etc, etc....the list is long. Which is probably why I haven't found anyone concrete yet. But I don't really want to settle. I did that once and ended up with the dude whos now quasi-married to a witch. Literally....she's a witch who practices witchcraft.

Yeah.

Not going to go down that path again.

But I'm starting to get more and more lonely as time passes.

And I had a realization today.

I think I have a tendancy to hold on to things because I have a fear of letting go. Not because I really like the subject matter, but because I'm not sure what I'd do without it and I've had it so long that it would feel wierd NOT to have it in my life.

I'm working on changing that too.

I think this new year is going to lead to some interesting changes and experiences for me. Hopefully good things will come out of it.

Oh How I Love My Kids

I have never claimed to be a good parent...if fact my kids trotted all through Lins yesterday chanting "Momma is mean....we have a mean momma". Yup I'm a mean momma. But its okay. Its good for them.

And my recent feat is bribing the boys to clean. I haven't had very much energy this last week so I told them if they helped me clean the house including their rooms and bathrooms they could have a treat. And I also knew I wouldn't be up for making dinner or going out again, so we stopped at Lins on the way home.

I told the boys they could choose a good ol' kids TV dinner or a lunchable or something for dinner then choose a treat but they couldn't eat it unless they helped clean, and if they didn't help clean I got to eat it.

So we pick out the dinner stuff and then I let them choose their treats. Ry decided on M&Ms, Tyler decided on Gummy Bears and my dear little Nate was indecisive. First he wanted Swedish Fish, but not the multi-colored, and they didn't have a little bag of "normal" ones so he decided on a giant super sized candy bar that I kiboshed real quick. I told him he had to hurry and he was semi-eyeing some of this

which makes me laugh cause he doesn't even like cotton candy. He then tried his best negotiation tactics and told me he would look at the candy bar selection up front while we were waiting to check out and that if he didn't want anything he would run back and get cotton candy. Images of candy crashing and shelves falling over came to my head. So once again had to kibosh his dream of wandering a big store alone and climbing 10 ft up the shelves to get cotton candy that was on the highest hook.

He told me he was okay with just choosing something from the front and as soon as we got there...he took a short 100000th of a second glance and decided on cotton candy. Too late. We were in line and people behind us. So then came the tantrum.

"But I WANT the cotton candy. I DON'T want anything there." I said too bad choose something here or get nothing at all...and unloaded my groceries. He throws more of a fit. I say more too bad. Finally the cashier is waiting and I tell him choose something now or forever hold your peace. Well....I almost had to drag a teary-eyed boy out the store because life was just not fair! And momma is mean! And he wanted cotton candy! Not stupid gum that he chose!

Oh well. It is what it is. Life went on. He got his gum. And after cleaning not another word was even mentioned about the cotton candy.

Yay I love being a momma sometimes. :)

Sigh...

I realized yesterday....that I am no longer as computer savvy as I had once thought. Thats what I get for attempting to be all jedi-awesome when it came to computers. Mine has crashed a couple times at work and once we got the okay to bill to our grant...I got a new computer. Its nice. I like it and I appreciate that we have the ability to do so. But I have issues. Its all the new stuff....and for like two hours yesterday I had no idea where my email was going. My inbox was open...emails popping up on my alerts....but they were hiding.

Seriously...no where to be found.

So I finally broke down and called the computer place begging for help. The guy linked up to my PC through Teamview and in about 2 seconds showed me where my emails were at. The inbox for this new email was just in a different spot.

DUR!

I also went to write up a draft letter in the new Word. And when I went to print...there was no "file" option. No print icon. Nothing to make it easy. Took me probably 20 minutes to figure out how to print the document.

Really?!

So...I'm eating my humble pie. I am not the hottie tottie computer savvy chicky-dee I once thought. I'm getting old and times...well...they are a changin'. Sigh.

But life goes on. And so will I. I'm sure I'll adapt and regain my former jedi status....and then eat more humble pie when things update again.

Thus a world of constant change.

I'll Tell You What

I have learned alot these last couple days. I need to share my gratitude. So here are my thoughts today.

-My brother is amazing. He has taught me alot about his character and about things I need to start doing in my own life before a tragedy occurs to knock some sense into me. Its been an eye opening experience for sure. He's handled things soo differently than I probably would've and it makes me want to do better.

-My family. I say it often but I couldn't ask for a better family. I really couldn't. To see everyone so supportive of each other has been amazing. Prayers and miracles are flying everywhere and I if there was ever a time that I doubted the power of prayer that has been completely abolished. They do get answered and miracles do happen.

-My work and clients. The amount of support I and my family have recieved from them has been amazing. I am soo grateful to work in such a supportive place and to work with such great people. I truly feel blessed.

-My ward. I know. I used to really not like going and would dodge out. But with this new bishopric things have changed immensely. They have opened their arms to me and made me feel welcome, something I haven't had since I moved there.

-My kids. I have realized that as much as I love my kids I haven't been making them a priority, and that is going to change. There are some big things that are going to be put in play to protect them and make sure that their interests are met and not just the selfish interests of the other party involved. No more being a pushover. It's time to stretch out the claws. Phew this is going to be a hard experience but it needs to be done.

I have no idea if anyone even pays attention to these posts but I've heard that more people than I realize follow what goes on with my little family. So I thank you all for the kindness and support I've been given through my ups and downs and am grateful to you all too.

Have a great day!

An Eventful Week

This last week has definitely been eventful. Very eventful. The trip to DC was fun. The classes were not what I expected and were not my favorite of all the classes I've ever taken, but it was still a good experience. Monday night we decided to hire a driver to take us around to the monuments. That was such a fun time and our driver was great. His name was Rudy. And we must have been memorable cause we saw him the next day and he honked his horn at us. The rest of the week kind of whizzed by. Wednesday we went to the reception at the hotel which was nice. I had a stalker girl there that we kept having to dodge. But it was okay. Thursday we took the free shuttle to Union Station and had such a good time there. The food was cheap and good and the stores were fun to look at. Friday everyone left and I was alone so I just stayed in my room.
Then I came home to the family issues going on and that has taken a little bit of time to sink in. But I just want both parties involved to know that I love you both. I'm not one to take sides and I will love and support both of you and your family and do what I can to make this whole transitition process alot easier. There have been several miracles and blessings answered this weekend personally and for the family and I attribute it to this experience so as hard as it is for everyone, we are all being blessed for it as well.

Small Blessings

I am going to be rather busy today so I am not going to write alot but I just wanted to express my gratitude for small blessings. Today...it goes to my daycare. They have been absolutely wonderful to my boys and to me just as they are. But they go above and beyond constantly. Yesterday, I got a statement from them because the state had not been paying for Nate to be there the small amount of time he is there. It wasn't much comparatively speaking...$167 for the month of November and December, but they also gave me all sorts of discounts and such which dropped it to that. It would've been much more. So today I was talking to Ms B and she said not to pay that right now because she wants to talk to the state and see whats up. She doesn't want to put me in a financial bind right before Christmas. This is a small blessing because even though that really isn't a whole lot compared to what I would be paying without state help, its quite a big chunk out of my take home pay. So there is blessing number 1.
Second blessing from them...she asked me if it would be okay for her to submit my name to her church for a Christmas basket. She said she didn't by any means want me to think she assumed I was too poor for Christmas or anything, but she knows I'm a single mom and am trying to make it on my own and really wanted to help. And since our daycare is in the church, the congretation really loves those little kids and really try to intertwine themselves when they can. I wanted to cry. This is such a blessing and will help out immensely considering we are tight on money right now.
I never really realize how much people care and how much people truly think about us and our situation. I feel very blessed and appreciative...and hope I can give back somehow as well.
On a different note, since today is Friday and I will be gone all next week I do not know if I will be posting. I may...but if not...I hope everyone has a great week next week and I'll talk to you all soon!