Black Ninjas!!

Today was Nate's first soccer game and they actually did pretty good. They ended up losing but for only having one practice...and just now meeting the coach for the first time (he had been gone for the first practice) they did awesome. They still got some things to work on but all in all they were pretty good. Theres alot of natural talent on the team. Nate was awesome and wonderful and marvelous when he was playing goalie, he wasn't afraid to dive for the ball or anything. We just need to work on drop kicks, and his field play. Anywho...here are pics :)

SLC and Back in ONE DAY!!

Today we went up north for Tyler's doctor appointment with Dr. Morales. It was a VERY long day but it had it's upsides. We left at about 6:45 this morning....ugh sooo early! Me and Ty slept most of the trip up....so that made it go by quick. I can't believe all the construction up there! It was crazy! So we got the doctor appointment out of the way and all the scheduling for surgery out of the way, and were up in the dental clinic scheduling the surgery to take out his prothesis, and what happens? They call a code blue (a code meaning someone has stopped breathing) in that very clinic! Ty was amazed at all the people who ran past us, from nurses to docs to security to office people...one thing I know, if something does happen to Ty, he will get speedy help! They are good up there! Then after that we went to eat at Chuckarama and right out the window, the Trax rolls by. Ty wanted to ride on it soo bad! And my mom told me my dad had been wanting to ride it for a long time, so we parked and hopped on. We rode from Trolley stop clear to Central Station and back. It was kinda fun! It was late though, so we had to get headed home. On the way home, it was soo windy that we passed a semi that had just got blown over! It was crazy! And then...we went back to sleep haha! It was a very long day and lots of driving but really good. Oh and as for update...Tyler will be having the same day surgery to have his prothesis popped out on Sept 14, then his actual surgery is on Oct 6.

Dad was soo funny...had the big ol' map pulled out lookin just like a tourist :P

Bored on the way up...after I had woken up.

Ty got his own ticket...and was SOOO excited!!

Dad washing the Blazer with Nate and Ry..doesn't really have to do with the trip but I thought it was cute :P

1 of 2 things.....

When God leads you to a cliff, trust him fully and let go.
Only one of two things will happen...
He will catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly.

Ryder is sleeping, the house is quiet...and kinda messy (I should be cleaning not writing this but oh well)...I'm listenin to my new favorite song She Is Love...and I get this email (thank you Steph for sending it). It tells a sweet story of a wealthy woman who takes care of a homeless man, who in previous years had taken care of her when she had nothing. The story was good, but what got me was the qoute...when God leads you to a cliff, trust him fully and let go. How many times have I hit that cliff? Oh wow more than I can even count.
I've made some stupid choices in my life that did lead me right to the edge. I've felt utterly alone, and like no one understood. But as I was thinking back on my life, I realized the second part of the qoute is true as well; 'He will catch you when you fall, or teach you how to fly.' I have fallen..and hard. But I was helped up and dusted off everytime.
So this brings me to my life at present. I hate my apartment, I hate my job, money is too tight, and the list goes on and on. I could whine and gripe all day. And why? because I'm not doing my part. I am too scared of falling. I don't want to hit rock bottom again...even though I'm already headed there if something doesn't change. But I'm afraid of change. Notice anything similiar? Fear. Fear of pain, fear of hurt, fear of stress, fear of soo many different things that could all go away if I could just let go and jump...and have a little faith. I keep making excuses of why things aren't my fault, why I can't change things around, and it took a good friend of mine to give me a little slap of reality.
He literally told me to quit whining and making excuses. If I want a new job...look for one and actually apply. If I want a new place, call around and get budgeting to see what I really can afford. If I want a better education....get one. Do what it takes. And he's right...I didn't have any excuses anymore when I was done talking to him. And whats the worst that will happen? I fall...and land right back where I am right now.

The Last Day of Swimming Lessons!

So taking pictures with a camera phone is NOT a very good option when wanting clarity, so you really can't tell where my children are....but look hard haha. Today was the last day of swimming lessons, and Tyler passed with flying colors, ready for level 2! Nate...well, 3rd time is a charm they say. He just needs to work on his back stuff. They have LOVED swimming lessons, and they have been both of them more confident as well, its been a nice change.

Tyler was waiting for his teacher to hide some sticks on the platform, and practicing his strokes in this top picture. Nate was diving for rings in his picture next door here.

And Nate was being a dork and goofing off in the picture over here. He's definitely got a little bit of Carlile in him thats for sure. He has been doing good, although not as confident as Tyler is in the water. But we will work on that.

I just realized everyone BUT Tyler were doing the backstroke practice haha. He was too busy uh, doing something, I don't know what. I wish the picture would've come out more clear, he had the cutest orange goggles on, he looked cute in them.

Soccer...

We decided to play soccer today. Oh...my....gosh! I think I have a natural born soccer talent in my family! Woohoo!! Nate takes after momma, except I wasn't a natural born player...it took a TON of practice. But..he on the other hand rocks.

We went to Grandpa and Grandma's house to play in their backyard, and it was super fun! Nate is soo quick on his feet, and even though he was playing in flip flops...I know, not good soccer shoes haha...he has a really good kick and is very fast on his feet. Tyler tried his hand at it too, but decided "pitching apples" was much funner. Sorry Grandpa...I know if you woulda seen that we would've all been in trouble!

Ryder tried to get his hand in on it too....but didn't get the rules about not touchin the ball with your hands. Instead, he would pick up the ball and carry it to the goal. But hey...whatever works. He's not even 2 yet...so it's all good. But he got tired of that game really quick and went back to cookies and sippy cups.

I can't wait to see Nate in action on the field. I know he's goin to be AWESOME out there. He kicked hard, was tricky on his feet...and even caught one of my kicks straight in the stomach just like a goalie is supposed to do. I'm definitely a proud momma today! I was hoping one of my kids would take up my passion for soccer...I think I got my wish. WOOHOO Nate! :)

4th of July Fun

This 4th of July was really pretty fun. I had the day off, woohoo! And we got to hang out with the family and some friends all day. Danny had Nate and Tyler during the morning, they had wanted to ride on the fire truck with him in Parowan, so me and Ryder went to the parade here with the family. It was really fun. Betsys mom Margaret had made cute little candy bags for all the kids and had the very genius idea of bringing candy for the kids, since people here are stingy with candy at parades. It was fun.

After the parade I went and grabbed some stuff to make a salad for lunch and was able to pick up the boys. As always I was late to Betsys but we ate some yummy sandwichs and watermelon and that, and had some very, very yummy homemade berry ice cream and a 4th of July cake. It was the perfect lunch for the day.

The boys were in rare form as always, being show offs and goofing around all day long, which of course, is why we love them. After lunch we decided to go swimming, and all headed over to the Parowan pool. Again, as normal, I was running late cause I had to go grab some money to get in, but when we got there we all got in the pool and had a great time. The water was perfect and warm, and the boys practiced their swimming like they had learned in swim lessons this week. It took Ry awhile to warm up but after a bit he was in there splashing around too.

It was really fun seeing all the stuff they had learned, and how much more confidence they had while in the pool than even a month ago while we were swimming in the hotel over Memorial Day weekend. I was super proud of them. Still has a long way to go for both, but they are gettin there and it makes me happy they have the opportunity to do all that they are doing right now.

After swimming we went to see my friend Meghan for awhile then were going to go out and watch fireworks at Betsy's, but the boys fell asleep on the way out there. Then, fabulously enough, they woke up when we got back into town, so we ended up meeting up with Tony, Valena and Melissa for fireworks at the airport. The show was good and we came home and went to bed. It was a long and tiring day, but very, very fun! Thank you to Betsy for planning such a fun filled day for us to enjoy!

Its been a month now....

This last month has been interesting. Its been a little over a month since I lost Grayson, and my feelings have been hard to sort out. The Monday after I lost him I was having a really hard time, I was feeling soo guilty for not keeping his body and for not having a proper funeral. There was soo much guilt because I hadn't spent more time with him or let the boys meet him even though I knew that would've been hard on them. So I tried to get his body back from the hospital, had the mortuary look into it for me as well, but it was too late. They had already taken care of him. Which is another thing I've been having a hard time with. What does "take care of him" mean? I know we don't have a baby burial ground or anything here, so what happened? I have this horrid picture in my mind that they tossed him in a red bio-bag, put him in a bio-bin and he sat down in the bio room until someone came to have him discarded of with all the other surgery bio, pathology bio, and anything else they throw in those bins. Its killing me to have that thought in the back of my head. I want to call the hospital and see how they take care of them, but at the same time, I don't know that I want to know. I should have kept him. I shouldn't have been tryin to disregard everything going on and shouldn't have been tryin to be tough, I should've broken down and just been. It makes me feel bad. But I've been tryin to move on. I got my memorial necklace on Friday and I love it, haven't taken it off since. So there are upsides and downsides....guess it will all work out in the end.

More Picasa play :)

Memorial Day Weekend

So I'm using a draft of a previous blog cause I realized, I didn't say anything about Memorial Day. I posted some pics, but didn't actually write about my experience. We went over the weekend and it was soo much fun. I always look forward to my trips up there to see my dad's side of the family. They are soo sweet, and always soo kind and accepting. I really do love them with all my heart. Although we did the typical deal of visiting the different gravesites and then having lunch at the BurgerMiester in Midway. Except its not BurgerMeister anymore! But the food was still amazing and we were in very good company.







I didn't really realize the importance of Memorial Day previous to this year, always thought it was a good time to see my Dad's side of the family and pay respects and so on. Well, it wasn't until we were at the Heber Cemetery and this sweet man thats there every year started playing Amazing Grace on the bagpipes.


All I could think about was all the regret of not burying Grayson and having a place to go pay my respects and I had to walk away from the group so I could compose myself. I have to find some way to save some money so I can get a plot and headstone, even though it will be empty, at least I will have a place to remember him. And maybe as ideas are flowing I can create a place for others to visit who were in my situation and couldn't afford to have a funeral for their little one or made what they felt a wrong decision in a tough time like me. Its going to be a long journey. But I've got to do something to give Grayson the respect he deserves, in his short life he taught me a lot, he needs somewhere to be remembered. So back to Memorial Day, this one is definitely one I'm going to remember, not because there was anything bigger than normal that happened, but because it was the first one that had real true meaning to me.

More Grad Pics

The boys all doin their thing....except no one is lookin at my camera!





Nate and his bud Jake






Nates class walkin in...only part of it though.




Ryder was dorkin it up big time! lol so cute.





One of the cute songs they sang.