Patience is a Virtue

I've been hunting for a place to live for over a year, as you all know. Nothing ever worked out or felt right and it's been quite frustrating. The last few weeks I have really felt the like it is time to move on. To the point that it felt weird to be driving home....it felt like I was going to the wrong place. Which sounds absolutely insane, I'm aware. I've felt like I was losing my mind a little quite frankly. So I've been looking for places to live and I figured since my feelings were soo strong about moving now, something would just magically appear and work out. But it didn't. The houses that fit my picky criteria have either already been rented or were over my budget. Last night I was to the point of giving up and my mom kindly reminded me that when the time is right, the right place will come along. So last night I pretty much poured my heart out to the big guy upstairs and kind of laid it all out to him. I let him know I was frustrated and that if it really was time for me to move, why wasn't anything working out? 

Well today a friend of mine who works with a property management company here called me today. I had asked her about a house a couple months ago that would've been the perfect place to rent. It wasn't super fancy or anything, but it was in good condition and in an area I really wanted to live in. The downfall, it was way out of my price range. So...I stalked her website from time to time daydreaming of the day I could afford it. A month after talking to her, she posted that the rent had been reduced. Sadly, still not to a level I could afford though. Imagine my surprise when she called to let me know it still hadn't rented and the owner had decided to lower the rent again. This time to an amount that I can afford. I am pretty sure I jumped up and did a happy dance. 

I went on my lunch to take a look. The inside is soo cool. It's an older split level home with three different levels. It is a little outdated, but I love the paint colors (it feels homey!) and the layout. It has 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 family rooms, a huge laundry room and a massively huge storage room on the bottom level. There are fireplaces on two of the levels as well. There is a big deck in the backyard and room for the kids to play. It even has a garden plot all set up. As soon as I walked in the door I was at peace, I knew this that was where we were meant to live. Without a shadow of a doubt, that was the place I had been feeling like I needed to come home to for the last two weeks. I turned in my application, got a call a few hours later letting me know I was approved and I sign the contract tomorrow and move in at the end of the month!

I got a good dose of humility today and a reminder that in my life, things happen when they are meant to happen. Not necessarily when I want them to happen. 

So let the packing ensue. I hate packing. But it will totally be worth it. Yay! :)

A Small Change

I have no idea how to put my thoughts into words right now but I am going to try anyway, so bear with me. This one is going to be more of a journal entry type I can go back and read later on, so probably pretty boring to anyone else but it will help me later on. :) 

The last two weeks have been interesting for me. The new job has been awesome. I've had the opportunity to work with and meet some truly amazing people that I know I'm going to enjoy working with and the goal there is to be the best, and not to settle for anything less. I feel truly honored that they sought me out for their team but it's made me realize I really need to step up my game a bit too.

On to a random tangent for a minute....we went to a Women in Business luncheon last week that was great. The keynote speaker was the PR girl from the hospital here and she really made an impression to me. Just looking at her you could tell she was confident in herself (or at least REALLY good at faking it). She was a very eloquent speaker and all around very classy. She didn't have on a million dollar suit, but she had put her look together in a way that drew you in. I walked away wishing I was more like her.

Both of these experiences have really made me think. I guess it is just the next ah-ha moment for my life so to speak. I've always wanted to be the type of person that I have now surrounded myself with. I want people to be around me and walk away thinking "Wow she is really put together." These experiences have made me really want to step it up and start being that person I wished I could be. I want to be more put together, more classy and eloquent, more confident.....and I think I am in a place where I can actually start doing that a little better now. Or at least make a good solid attempt. 

So I have made a few goals for myself that I want to be able to revisit and remember why I made them when I'm struggling.

1. Step up the image. Dress for success so to speak 

2. Be more grateful and thankful for the things I have

3. Be more willing to serve others and give of myself (actually look for the opportunities to serve)

4. Be a more involved mother 

5. Find a house (which sounds petty, but I think we'd be happier in a place we felt comfortable going out to play in without running into crazies, or not having to see the cops drive by twice a night with spotlights on)

6. Work hard and don't put off things that I really don't want to do

I hope that this is a good bump in the right direction for me....I really feel like this was the boost I needed for this next phase of my life. I am more at peace and feel less on the fence now and it's been nice. I think it's helped me get into this spot where I can finally work on some of the other things that I've wanted to do but have just been too focused on just making it through to the next day. I'm excited to see how things turn out over the next little bit and am excited for a fresh start so to speak. 

Ok that's all for now I think. As a quick note, it was Ryder's birthday on Friday and we had a great time. I love that kid and although he pushes me to the limits pretty much every day, I can't imagine my life without him. We are learning and growing together, and I look forward to many more years of learning and growing with him. I love you buddy and hope you had a great birthday!

Quick Update On Life

I suppose it's time for a quick update yeah? I am on week number 2 of my new job and I really love it. I miss my old job/people I worked with but that is definitely offset by my awesomely fantastic new co-workers. I love them to pieces and love that their goal is to create a friendly environment that we all enjoy working in. We are still working out some kinks that come with new EVERYTHING (quite literally, everything is different than what we are all used to) but it's going to be good. I also love the fact my gas tank is at the half way mark and I'm going into week two since I filled up. I think I'm going to get a good two weeks out of one tank and based on the fact that I was filling up two or three times a week while I was commuting....I'm LOVING the money I'm saving. I'm also on the hunt for a new house. We really need to move from here, it's just not working any longer and it's time to move on now that I have the steady and predictable income. So wish us luck on that front.

The boys are doing well in school. Nate likes his teacher and loves that she doesn't believe in homework. He is still having issues turning in work though which is beyond me, considering he does it in class. But he's still doing a little better than last year. We had the big maturation program today too that made him a little awkward for the rest of the day. I'm happy I went with him, I learned a lot too and I think it opened a door for us to talk about some of that harder stuff later down the road.

Tyler is doing well also, he really likes his teacher. He's doing good turning in work, our only pitfall at this point is being able to remember to write down our reading every week. We are struggling with that one but doing better. He's a smart kid, he never ceases to amaze me.

Ryder is doing okay with full day school as well, although his adjustment period is about to kill me. Thankfully his teachers say he's well behaved in school but man he lets it all out after school and is a little pill. It's hard to know what to do to help him adjust and be okay. If I make it through this alive, I will be amazed. He's trying my last nerve. But...he is liking the learning and fun he has there, and really feels like a big kid because he gets to go all day. So that makes all the crazy mood swings worth it I suppose.

All three have had quite the adjustment in all reality....it's been interesting. I don't know if I just didn't see it before or what but all three have had some issues with their manners, listening, and doing as I ask. Maybe Ry is just rubbing off on them, I dunno. Either way, it's kind of frustrating. I need to start getting them more involved in some extra activities, I'm hoping that helps. Or at least gets them too tired to fight all the time. Either way it's a win win.

So that's us right now. We are all doing well for the most part and will hopefully all get adjusted soon. And now I am off to bed, I've made a goal to get more sleep this week. We'll see how that goes :)
Good night all.

Tyler Got Baptized!

Tyler and Grandpa

Tyler got baptized today! I am soo proud of him for making this choice. Grandpa Carlile both baptized and confirmed him. He did great too! I know he was nervous, but it all went off without a hitch, for the most part. Tyler only had to get dunked once. Me being the super organized (read that with a LOT of sarcasm) person that I am wasn't super prepared, but I think everything turned out okay. They had also asked me to give a talk and it was a little scary. I am pretty sure I botched it up and I also started crying a little near the end which was embarrassing. It was a short little talk and I still managed to cry. Argh. 

When I was preparing my talk, I pretty much just wrote down pointers that I wanted to mention and went from there on my own (sorry Steph, I'd email you that but it would be a bunch of chicken scratch randomness). Except for one quote. Have any of you heard of Al Fox? If not, you need to. She is an absolutely amazing person. I ended the talk with a quote from her blog (click here to check her out) that I wanted to share because it touched me the first time I read it, and it is what triggered the tears in my talk.

"I am blessed with daily guidance, help, support, warning and comfort. Blessed because I know that I am never alone, that there is ALWAYS someone who is listening and ALWAYS knows how to help, and ALWAYS knows what I need. I will ALWAYS be loved - and that I will ALWAYS have a best friend....a Father in Heaven, and Savior. The blessings are endless and eternal."

I am an awkward public speaker so I don't know that anyone got much out of my talk, but if they did I sure hope it was the message in this quote. You are never alone. Even when your making choices you know you shouldn't, you still have someone looking out for you and I can attest to that personally. I've made my fair share of mistakes but have always been blessed, even when I didn't deserve the blessings I got. I'm so excited for Tyler and hope that he will come to understand the significance of the choice he made today, and that he knows no matter what he will never be alone.

A New Path

Well after much debate, I have opted to take the other job opportunity and start a new adventure. I think it will be a good move, I will be here in town (woot woot! no more commuting!) and will be working with a fantastic group. The pay is comparable but most importantly it has full benefits. I am looking forward to this, considering the hospital bills for Tyler's surgery are starting to roll in and so far I'm up to right around $25,000 in medical bills. I don't know how much Tyler's CHIP is going to cover yet, but so far I'm looking at around $9,000 for my portion. That is a much better number than $25,000 but still pretty scary, I'm going to be paying on that bill for a very long time. My child support has been approved too...now I just need to start receiving it. I don't know when that will start but hopefully soon, I'm hoping I will be able to make a small dent in those hospital bills with it after I get the boys a few more things they need for school that I haven't been able to afford yet.

Most of all I am looking forward to not having to wonder if I'm getting a paycheck or not. The stress that brings is not my friend, and I've really hated having to wonder if I'd have enough money to pay bills not to mention buy our food and put gas in the car. It has definitely been an adventure trying to make $20-$30 worth of food last through to the next paycheck....thank goodness I stocked up on our food storage a bit before hard times hit otherwise I'm pretty positive we would've been toast. 

I am going to miss my Patriot family though. I absolutely love the people I work with and the family that has been created there. I've never met a more kind, caring and generous group of people in a workplace before and really will miss them terribly. It has been a pretty hard week as my co-workers slowly find out I gave my two weeks notice. There have been a whole lot of hugs and well wishes to me and my family. The big wig CEO of the company even came and gave me a hug the other day to let me know he's sure going to miss me but supported my decision. I really love those guys. 

I am looking forward to starting next week but of course am nervous to have to go through another learning curve. I think overall it will be a little easier than my current company, just because if I understand right we will only have one or two banks we work with and one underwriting group so I won't have to learn a million different guidelines, overlays, compliance procedures, etc. But I will be working with different data systems and have to get to know the underwriters so I can get a sense of what they look for on the loans, and that will be the tough part. But I am up for the challenge and look forward to learning and getting to know them better. Everyone I have talked to says that this new company is fantastic so that helps me feel better about the move as well.

So here is to a new path in life. I hope it leads to much learning and growing, and helps me to be a better person in the end. I know this current job has changed me for the better and I hope to keep the changes coming.

Happy Birthday Tyler!

My sweet little child Tyler has turned 8! Last Thursday.....yeah I'm a day or ten behind. We ended up going to a movie, him and I. We went to see Planes which is possibly the cutest movie I've seen in a long time. I highly suggest it. Then he went to his Dad's for the weekend and came back to a joint party with a few of the awesome in-law family members on Sunday. He was ecstatic to get his very first BB gun as you can see in the picture above. He also got a cool Lego set that is displayed on our dining room table currently, since we can't put them away for fear of breaking/Ryder destroying/Nate playing with them/etc/etc/etc. My present to him is a tad delayed as we couldn't find it...but a Doctor Dreadful Snot Shooter thing should be coming shortly from Amazon. It looks as gross as it sounds and plus side...the snot is edible! Ohhhhhh yeah. I love that kid. We have many conflicts, but many many more happy times and I can't even remotely imagine my life without him. So if you are reading this some day down the road, just know Ty that I love you very much and hope you know that every single second of every single day.

The boys also had their first day of school on Tyler's birthday and did awesome. Ryder is having a hard time understanding why he isn't starting yet, since kindergarten starts later than the others. But we did have our assessment with his teacher and that got him very excited to go, so much that he has had a come apart every day in daycare so far. We also learned he will be in extended day kindergarten which I'm hoping will help him catch up. Tyler is loving his teacher so far this year too. They all sang and wrote birthday letters to him on his birthday, which I thought was awesome since some teachers wouldn't take the time on the first day to do so. Nate seems to be doing okay as well and really likes his teacher. I really hope that this year will go a little smoother than the last year. I'm really going to be working on being more connected to their happenings at school and trying to step in as needed. I haven't been so good at that in the past, but apparently I'm growing up a little?

Anywho.....this has been a fun few weeks and I am grateful I have the ability to share it with those I love and adore. Thank you all for being in my life and loving my little family to pieces.

Hopeless Place... Music is Powerful

For the last little bit things have been difficult for our family. Financially....which snowballs to emotionally..... which snowballs to physically (I gained 2 lbs this last week...sigh)....its a big giant downhill snowball. I've gotten an opportunity to switch jobs to a fantastic place with great people, stable pay and it's local (no more commuting!). But I would be giving up the people who have grown to be my second family, in a place that has been by far the best workplace I have ever gotten to experience. I would be giving up the flexibility that I have cherished over the last year. I feel soo blessed to be where I am. The decision is pulling me in every single direction. Do I stay where I am with my second family, or switch jobs for financial security? I really admire and respect the person offering me the job and think it would also be a fantastic place to work, but it's really hard to move. Especially where things are really starting to pick up again at my current job. I just don't know what to do.

But that isn't the only thing weighing on me. I feel like there is a piece of me missing. I have felt this in the past but it hasn't weighed on me as much as it is now. I feel like there is something bigger in this world for me but it is just out of my reach. I don't even know what it is, funny enough. But it's there, and it's calling to me, and I can't reach it. I'm holding myself back and don't know how to change it. Or rather I don't have the faith that if I make the changes I think I need to make, it will pay off and I will thrive instead of falling flat on my face. I was thinking about this today during church and there was a lesson given on living up to our full potential (isn't that how it always works? when we struggle with something, it comes a blaring). We talked about a parable of a man who lived wealthy, had a high social standing, was morally sound, did everything he felt he needed to do to live a good life. But something was missing. When he asked God what he needed to do to find that missing piece, God instructed him to sell all of his belongings and serve the poor. Give up his wealth to follow a path he was meant to lead. This wasn't because his wealth was bad, it was because his focus on obtaining wealth and possessions were keeping him from fulfilling his purpose, selflessly serving others.

I believe with all of my heart that we all have a calling in life, something that we are meant to do while we are here. It's not always apparent but I think it sits in our soul until we are ready to embrace it. I think the talents we are given help us to come closer to understanding our part in this world and what we can do to be an influence for the better. I just wish I could see the bigger picture. I wish I could just have a little glimpse of what I am supposed to be doing, because right now I feel like I'm just trying to make it through the day without breaking down.

And then out of the blue tonight a friend of mine starting talking to me on Facebook and we got to discussing how sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, for every step forward you get thrown two steps back. And sometimes you just have to keep working at it until you finally catch your big break. And then he sends me a song. A beautiful, amazing, and powerful song. I don't know why he decided to share this song with me as we have never shared music before but I strike it up to something in him knowing I needed to be uplifted. And uplifted I am. I still don't know what's missing in my life or how to meet my full potential, but I am feeling a little less hopeless now. And I wanted to share, I hope this touches you as much as it did me.

We Found Love - Lindsey Stirling

July in Pictures

I have slacked on sharing our fun times this month. If your friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, then you will see repeats of pictures. But....I'm sharing anyway. July is coming to a close, so I want to recap our month. We have actually had quite a fun time. Lots of memories made and awesomeness unleashed. So without further ado....our July.


The boys got the opportunity to ride on the firetruck with their uncle during the 4th of July parade. Tyler got to ride up on the ladder with his cousin, and Ry got to ride inside (Nate opted to spend the holiday with his dad). His uncle made his day and let him be in charge of the siren and horn honking as we moved down the parade route.

Ry and his cousin Addi hanging out in the firetruck while we waited for our turn. He loved that flag.

Ty and his cousin Melissa chilling on the top of the firetruck while we waited.

Couldn't help it, had to get a selfie with Ry. He was soooo much in heaven riding in that firetruck, I had to capture it.

We also had a fun time hanging out with the in-law families at the park and later going to the movies with Grandma and Grandpa. It was a fantastic day all around.

The parents have finally (after much time, trial and tribulation) gotten their new driveway and patio poured. We got invited to have cousin handprints set in the wet concrete.

We wished the Alaska kids could've been there to help, then the sidewalk could've been complete but just know you were in our thoughts. I was touched that my SIL thought to add Grayson in the mix, and since he doesn't have a hand to cement in, we opted for a butterfly.

The SIL's and I started a little family tradition last year of taking the kids camping. With play practices and other appointments, we couldn't find a time that was easy for all of us so the best solution was taking over the parents yard for our camp out. It was sooo much fun!

Our little tent village in the backyard.

I can't remember who thought of it but someone thought it would be fun to watch a movie on the side of the house and it was absolutely perfect! We roasted some s'mores on a firepit in the backyard and watched Here Comes The Boom. It was a fantastic ending to a great night.

The next morning we decided to go on a hike. There is a trail from the painted C up the mountain from our house down to the bottom of the mountain. I did this trail back in my younger days and it was really nice, I enjoyed it a ton. So of course, I was all in and thinking it would be a piece of cake. Ohhhhhh boy. My mind obviously hasn't caught up with my very out of shape body. I am still sore from that blasted hike but it was a great experience, I learned I can push myself to the absolute limits and succeed.

The boys giving a thumbs up on a water break.

At the top of the C trail looking down onto Cedar City. Its beautiful views up there.

We also celebrated Pioneer Day, a Utah holiday commemorating when the pioneers settled into Utah. It was a nice quiet day that really was very enjoyable....except that a cold very quickly settled in that evening. I hate getting colds, especially in the summertime.

The boys got to walk in the parade for the play they are in, Beauty and the Beast.

We were slightly bored and decided to go to Cal Ranch and wander. They trapped themselves in the cage, I promise. However it may be a great timeout spot...... :)

The boys absolutely loved the chicks. There were a few that would follow our fingers around and it made for a hilarious game we played. Tyler wanted to get one soooooo bad but I have no clue where we would put one. He thought the bathtub would be great....I think hygiene is a little more important.

We also went to the Iron Mission State Park (although I think they have changed their name to something in regards to Frontier something or other) and had a ton of fun looking at Cedar's history. The boys loved this giant tractor. They got to go explore inside it and everything. And of course used allowances to get stuff from the gift shop. Ty and Ry chose some cute cast iron pencil sharpeners in the shapes of trains and cannons, and Nate bought a whip. I didn't realize it was a full blown whip until we got home though. Pretty sure I'm going to regret that one at some point.

We ended the day with sparklers at the grandparents house. The boys had fun playing with them and trying to light random things on fire like popits and leaves. Strange little kids, but I guess boys will be boys.

 I can't believe July is already over. It seems like this month went by soooooo fast, I don't know where the time went to. But it was a very fun month for us and I really enjoyed making lots of new memories with the boys. I still have the dang cold I picked up over the holiday, but it's slowly going away thank goodness. I can't believe August is almost here, which means school is starting soon. The boys are very excited for school to start (especially Ry who gets to go to big boy school with brothers). I love the fact my boys enjoy learning and going to school.

Welp, I think that is all for now. I will check in again soon. Hope ya'll had a great July and have an even better August!

A new battle

So as work has slowed down, so have my paychecks. And we all know what that means.....smaller to no paychecks. It's a little scary. I had a savings built up, but it's gone now after Tyler's surgery stuff and my lack of paycheck last pay period. I know the projection for the next two paychecks and it's not looking good. So, as much as I'm not looking forward to the drama it will cause, I am trying again for child support. I am not looking forward to it at all. But, I am struggling to meet the boys' needs on my own right now so it's time to try again. I really hate this whole process, it invokes too much stress and grief. But I have learned I've grown up in the last little bit and am not as weak as I used to be so I won't let people push me around any longer. So, unfortunately, ya'll might hear a little about the process if it doesn't go as smoothly as I am hoping. Who knows, I may even get a small part time job or something to help if I can find one. The only bad thing about that is that processing loans isn't a 9-5 job, I need to be available for the most part when work comes up. So if something happened during hours of a part time job, I'd be in trouble. I don't know. I'm just hoping that riding the rates wave will pay off and things will pick up again soon. Cross fingers.

Anywho, time to go to bed. Have a good night ya'll, sleep well.

Tyler Update

Well its been about two weeks since Tyler's surgery and he is doing awesome. His hip has all but healed at this point, the skin is still kind of dark and the stitch area is pretty puffy, but otherwise it's looking good. It is kind of interesting to compare the two hips as well. You can see where they took the bone from on the hip, there is a little lip where the incision is at. It's pretty crazy.
We are slowly introducing more solid food as well. I am still being crazy paranoid but we've moved into very soft noodles and sucking on graham crackers. I still won't let him have anything too tough but he's sure getting tired of the same old stuff, so I'm trying to mix it up a little and give him more variety. The activity levels are also kind of a bummer for him too. I am having him hold off from things that are too rambunctious right now and that is just straight up horrible for him. We went swimming the other night and I told him I didn't want to go because he still couldn't get in for fear of causing infections in his surgery sites, but he claimed he could just sit on the side and dangle his feet. So we both sat on the side and the poor kid wanted to jump in sooooo bad. I felt horrible. I think we will not be going swimming again until the doctor clears the activity. Poor kid. On the plus side, his pain is improving incredibly. He only has pain meds on days when his hip is really painful, which isn't often. Otherwise, he just runs and jumps like normal (well, maybe no jumps. I get after him for that). He is such a strong kid, I really admire him.
So that is where we are at right now. Things are going well, and all of us are doing fantastic. I hope ya'll have a fantastic week and we shall chat soon.