Random Ramblings

I was looking at my schedule for the next few months and holy geez we are going to be a busy little fam. The parents are going to Alaska (jealous by the way) so I will be doing a lot more running around with the kids than normal. By the way, thank you to my parents, I didn't realize how much running you do some days until I'm left to my own devices.
I think I've mentioned my saga with Tyler's surgery stuff before but my frustration is ever present. The orthodontist (with whom I adore by the way) feels Tyler isn't ready. He has been moving kind of slow though, which I don't understand. But anyway. Him and the surgeon are not working together too well and after the last orthodontist appointment, I decided I'm done guessing. So we have a pre-op appointment next Wednesday up in Salt Lake to see if the surgeon thinks he's ready. And....we will go from there. Since the surgeon is the primary doc on our team, he will go with what he says.
The unknown is very frustrating when I'm trying to plan the summer though. The boys have activities they want to do and I can't make a decision until I know whats going on with this dang surgery because Ty's ability to move and play will be a big factor in decisions.
Anywho, back to the busy month. So we have that going on, then dentist appointments, then another orthodontist appointment, then surgery coming up in June if it really is happening. The kids want to do summer camp, archery and golf this summer. And somewhere in the mix I've told them we can do a mini vacation up to Salt Lake to Lagoon. However I am regretting telling them that after I saw the prices of admission to Lagoon. Holy Smokes! I died a little inside. We may need to make alternative plans.
So that is our future endeavors, I think it's going to be a very busy summer. Maybe that is why I'm not supposed to be moving yet.....too busy? Who knows.

And can I just mention this.....I know that couples have their own sets of issues and relationships can be hard. However, sometimes I really wish I had someone who I could bounce off of, who could keep me company, who could help with the kids when I need it, and etc etc etc. Just throwing that out to the universe. But funny enough, a relationship kind of scares me a little too because I am pretty stuck in my ways, merging lives can be difficult. I don't envy the person who has to put up with me when that time comes, if it does.

Ok rambling is over. Happy weekend and happy Memorial Day ya'll, take a minute to appreciate those who have passed on and are watching over us.

Goals and my lack there of

As I sit here stuffing my face with pizza, I am thinking of my goals. I have lots of goals. Tons of them floating in my head. I have the life I want pictured in my head, a happy life for myself and my boys. I know exactly what I want. My problem is, I have practically no discipline and no motivation. Which after I write about it, sounds pretty dang pathetic. The thing is, I've hit the monumental moment where I knew that the only person who could change my life was me. I hit that along time ago. But even now, as I say those words, it hits my heart as if it were a surprise yet I know it's true. No matter how much I wish some sort of miracle would happen, I know I'm the only one who can ever change my life. Ever. There is no magical button to push. There is no magical potion to drink. Change takes work. Hard work. Sometimes ridiculous amounts of hard work. And guess what? Results don't come right away. They take a LONG time. That's the part I don't like. I want what I want when I want it, not when I'm ready or capable to receive it. I obviously need to adjust my thinking slightly.
But the experts all say the same thing....if you want something to change, then change it. Work your butt off to achieve your goal because if it is just handed to you on a silver platter, you probably won't appreciate it as much as if you worked hard to achieve it. At a recent "vision meeting" we had at work, we discussed how we needed to make it a goal to be the best. The greatest. Not to try, but to do. Do everything it takes to be the best at something. And I know that is true. I do. So I guess it's time to do a little changing. So I'm going to share what I want out of life. I have made several goals in my life and most of what I'm writing will be repeats because quite frankly, I have had the same or close to the same goals for quite a long time. So in no particular order:

Goal one: Get back to a healthy weight so I can live longer and be around for my children's children.
Goal two: Love myself.
Goal three: Be a better, more involved mother. 
Goal four: Be the best in my field of work, the very best.
Goal five: Save up a 3 month reserve of money for emergencies
Goal six: Save up 5% down on a home (I'm figuring on a $125,000 to $150,000 home)
Goal seven: Stick to my budget, including allowances for the kids and enrollments for extra activities
Goal eight: Pay off all of my debt, including those on my credit that really need to be paid off
Goal nine: Make sure my kids always know that they are smart, kind, amazing and loved.
Goal ten: Always find a way to serve others and teach my children to do the same.
Goal eleven: Own my own home.
Goal twelve: Take my kids on some sort of a vacation every single year.
Goal thirteen: Make sleep a priority. I currently get around 4-5 hrs a night. Probably not good.
Goal fourteen: Make exercise a priority for the whole family.

Now these are all (for the most part) going to take a whole lot of time to accomplish. They are going to take some serious, long term changes in my life. And I am fully aware I cannot work on them all at the same time, because that will never work. I also know that the goals are intertwined. As I accomplish one, another will come closer to being accomplished. So for now, I start slowly.

In order for me to accomplish these goals I need to start from the beginning. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of others. So losing weight is a priority, as will loving myself. I am also going to stick to my budget, because that will help me to accomplish my financial goals. And probably the very most important goals of all revolve around my kids. I will be working on those goals as well right now. The rest will come later as I accomplish my base goals.

A few of these goals are my behemoth goals. The goals that are definitely going to take some time for me to accomplish. Being the best of the best in my field is going to be a work in progress, and will take years to accomplish. But that doesn't mean I am not going to work my butt off to do so.
The financial goals are mini behemoth goals. It may take few years to accomplish them. But I'm going to try my freaking hardest to do so.

So anyway, enough ranting. I get paid Monday, so it's time to create my budget for this paycheck. Good night all.

Talking To The Moon

I am part of an infant loss group on Facebook where people can share stories, vent, share happy moments, or whatever they need to do to help heal. I admit I don't look at the page very often but I was browsing it today and came across a beautiful song that one of the girls posted on Mother's Day (By the way, happy mothers day ya'll!) and loved it so much I wanted to share. I love the lyrics, absolutely love them. They could apply to a few different aspects of my life right now, which is probably why I love them so. Enjoy.

Talking To The Moon - Bruno Mars

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

 I want you back

I want you back

My neighbors think I'm crazy

But they don't understand

You're all I had

You're all I had

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself talking to the moon.

Trying to get to you 

In hopes you're on the other side 

Talking to me too.

Or am I a fool who sits alone

Talking to the moon?

I'm feeling like I'm famous

The talk of the town they say

I've gone mad but they don't know

What I know

Cause when the sun goes down

Someone's talking back

Yeah they're talking back

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself talking to the moon.

Trying to get to you 

In hopes you're on the other side 

Talking to me too.

Or am I a fool who sits alone

Talking to the moon?

Cause every night I'm talking to the moon

Still trying to get to you

In hope's your on the other side

Talking to me too

Or am I a fool who sits alone
Talking to the moon?

I know you'r somewhere out there

Somewhere far away.

Freak

I am about tired of this month, and its only half way done. I have had 3 loans that I swear anything that could go wrong has gone wrong on, two of which are resolved but one of which is not. Which is frustrating. I have looked back in hindsight and have seen ways I can learn from my mistakes for the next time, but it doesn't help my demolished confidence any for the moment. And on the one that's not fixed yet, I have absolutely no pull whatsoever to fix it and that really irritates me. The only thing I can do is bug and bug and bug (and believe me I have) to get things done. But in the end, it is what it is and I just have to hold my head high and pray for strength to get through it all.
Which brings me to the moving issue, again. I got my hopes up for buying a house but quite frankly, my credit is shot enough that this will not be a possibility for a very long time. I have other things of priority I need to take care of before I can shell out cash to fix my credit. And lately....St George has been calling my name. Again. More so than it has for quite some time actually. There is a cute little place in the same subdivision as one of my co-workers that I looked at last summer, and its coming open again this summer. It's in my price range and in a good/convenient area of town. I was worried about what to do with my kids during the summer until I found a summer program that runs the duration of the summer (not just a few days at a time) at a fantastic school in St George called Valor Hall. The program details didn't list cost but my daycare bill runs around $1100/mo for all three kids during the summer so.....can't get much worse than that. So things seem to be falling in place for a move there, except that the boys are now in a play here (Beauty and the Beast) and they will be busy with that all summer. Le Sigh.
I am really tired of not knowing what's next. I am ready for a miracle to happen or some higher power to shout whisper down where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing (and maybe where I can find a new significant other.....). I don't know. I hate this limbo thing. I've been in limbo for a year now (next month actually!) and I'm tired of it. I want to settle down sooo badly not only for me but for my boys. It is sooo rough on them to move around every few years, but every move had a purpose and there wasn't a better option at those times. But still. I'm tired of moving. I want to be settled. I want a perfect situation to fall in my lap and everything to work out exactly as I want it to happen. But alas, life is not perfect.
Anywho....rant over. Time to move on. Thanks for listening ya'll, have a great week.

Very Thankful

pretty flowers i found at a nursery here

In church on Sunday we had a lesson that incorporated being thankful for the kind deeds that others have done for us. I am so very blessed. I don't thank the people around me near enough for the kind things they do for me. The lesson, however, got me thinking about 4 years ago tomorrow when Grayson came into my life. I had sooo many kind people surrounding me during that time. Each played an important role for me and really helped me get through things a little better than I'm sure I would've without them.

To my parents, thank you for supporting me even though the circumstances weren't the greatest. Mom, thank you for sticking with me even when I tried to push you away. You saw past my tough act and stuck in there with me, and I appreciate you very much for that. Thank you for letting me cry and helping me know that was okay. Thank you for your patience with me and trying to understand what I was going through.

To my dad and my brother, thank you for giving my baby his blessing. I can't imagine how difficult that may have been for you but you willingly stepped up to the plate and you have no idea how much I am truly appreciative. That blessing is something that I hold dear. It gave and still gives me reassurance that my boy looking down on our family and isn't just lost in oblivion somewhere.

Thank you to the rest of my family for stepping up and being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for visiting me and offering your love and support. Thank you for remembering my son and counting him as part of our family. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you Steph for remembering every year that it's his birthday and checking in on me. I love you all.

Thank you to my dear friend Michelle. You took time out to sit with me in the hospital and helped me keep my mind off things. You helped pass the time and showed your love for me and my family. You are a beautiful soul and I am blessed to have you as a friend.

Thank to you to my dear friends Jarrod and Staci. Thank you for always being supportive and loving towards me and my boys. Thank you soo much for thinking to contact the NILMDTS photographer, I never would've thought to do that on my own and didn't even know they existed. And even if I had, with everything going on I probably wouldn't have done that on my own. Those pictures are soo special to me. I cherish them and keep them close. Thank you.

Thank you to my dear friends Tyler and Mande, who have always offered us love and support. I know your there and supportive whenever I need you. Thank you for helping us celebrate his birthdays with balloons. Thank you for your friendship, we love you guys.

Thank you to all of my co-workers at the time. Thank you Lisa from the school, who rallied up the troops and brought over meals for myself and my family. That helped so much. Thank you to Amanda and the co-workers at my other job for pooling money to help with costs/purchasing my remembrance necklace.

Thank you to everyone else who was supporting and caring for myself and my boys at that time and now. All of you had a deep impact in my life and there are not enough words in the world to express my gratitude for helping us be strong and endure.

I am thankful for my boys.They asked today when we were going to get a grave for Grayson. They so badly want somewhere we can visit  him, even if it's just his spirit we are visiting. Someday we will be able to afford one, someday. I love when Ryder asks about Grayson and wants me to talk about him. I love that they want to celebrate his birthday just as if he was here with us. They even want to have a birthday party for him tomorrow, complete with cake. Man I love them, sooo much.

And finally, to my sweet angel Grayson. Thank you for being a constant companion to us all. Your in my heart always and I think of you often. I know you are watching down on us and encouraging us to be our best. I am sorry I couldn't do more for you during your short life, but you have blessed me tremendously. I know you served your purpose to me and were too pure of a soul for this world. I love you more than life itself and cannot wait to be with you. I send you my love, my sweet angel, until we meet again.

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these....He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
     -excerpt from Mommy, Please Don't Cry