Very Thankful

pretty flowers i found at a nursery here

In church on Sunday we had a lesson that incorporated being thankful for the kind deeds that others have done for us. I am so very blessed. I don't thank the people around me near enough for the kind things they do for me. The lesson, however, got me thinking about 4 years ago tomorrow when Grayson came into my life. I had sooo many kind people surrounding me during that time. Each played an important role for me and really helped me get through things a little better than I'm sure I would've without them.

To my parents, thank you for supporting me even though the circumstances weren't the greatest. Mom, thank you for sticking with me even when I tried to push you away. You saw past my tough act and stuck in there with me, and I appreciate you very much for that. Thank you for letting me cry and helping me know that was okay. Thank you for your patience with me and trying to understand what I was going through.

To my dad and my brother, thank you for giving my baby his blessing. I can't imagine how difficult that may have been for you but you willingly stepped up to the plate and you have no idea how much I am truly appreciative. That blessing is something that I hold dear. It gave and still gives me reassurance that my boy looking down on our family and isn't just lost in oblivion somewhere.

Thank you to the rest of my family for stepping up and being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for visiting me and offering your love and support. Thank you for remembering my son and counting him as part of our family. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you Steph for remembering every year that it's his birthday and checking in on me. I love you all.

Thank you to my dear friend Michelle. You took time out to sit with me in the hospital and helped me keep my mind off things. You helped pass the time and showed your love for me and my family. You are a beautiful soul and I am blessed to have you as a friend.

Thank to you to my dear friends Jarrod and Staci. Thank you for always being supportive and loving towards me and my boys. Thank you soo much for thinking to contact the NILMDTS photographer, I never would've thought to do that on my own and didn't even know they existed. And even if I had, with everything going on I probably wouldn't have done that on my own. Those pictures are soo special to me. I cherish them and keep them close. Thank you.

Thank you to my dear friends Tyler and Mande, who have always offered us love and support. I know your there and supportive whenever I need you. Thank you for helping us celebrate his birthdays with balloons. Thank you for your friendship, we love you guys.

Thank you to all of my co-workers at the time. Thank you Lisa from the school, who rallied up the troops and brought over meals for myself and my family. That helped so much. Thank you to Amanda and the co-workers at my other job for pooling money to help with costs/purchasing my remembrance necklace.

Thank you to everyone else who was supporting and caring for myself and my boys at that time and now. All of you had a deep impact in my life and there are not enough words in the world to express my gratitude for helping us be strong and endure.

I am thankful for my boys.They asked today when we were going to get a grave for Grayson. They so badly want somewhere we can visit  him, even if it's just his spirit we are visiting. Someday we will be able to afford one, someday. I love when Ryder asks about Grayson and wants me to talk about him. I love that they want to celebrate his birthday just as if he was here with us. They even want to have a birthday party for him tomorrow, complete with cake. Man I love them, sooo much.

And finally, to my sweet angel Grayson. Thank you for being a constant companion to us all. Your in my heart always and I think of you often. I know you are watching down on us and encouraging us to be our best. I am sorry I couldn't do more for you during your short life, but you have blessed me tremendously. I know you served your purpose to me and were too pure of a soul for this world. I love you more than life itself and cannot wait to be with you. I send you my love, my sweet angel, until we meet again.

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these....He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
     -excerpt from Mommy, Please Don't Cry

A Moment of Reflection - Grayson Post

  **This post does have pictures of Grayson which I know is something that some may be sensitive towards, so just lettin' you know ahead of time.**

I don't generally discuss (in too much depth anyway) things that have to do with Grayson. But as I was dusting my dresser today, I picked up my Grayson box....

 

I was given this little yellow box at the hospital to keep momentos and such. I honestly haven't really opened the box more than a couple times in the past 3 years, and even that was just to add stuff in there as I came acrossed it. Well today I decided to open it up. I remembered there being pictures and maybe a card in there, but wasn't sure what else I would find quite honestly.

And, I actually found a few things I hadn't remembered about. I had the pictures of course, the CD that had the original proofs of the pictures that were taken at the time but I found some other treasures that I am so happy I kept, as I didn't keep much from that experience.

Don't mind the extreme need for a re-paint of the nails.

The nurses did the ink hand and foot prints...I had forgotten all about it. It is crazy to think that his little pigs were smaller than my thumb. His hands too. He had 10 perfect toes and 10 perfect fingers.

I hadn't opened this card when it was given to me, I had just put it right in the box and never looked at it since that time. Well I opened it today and found something so very special to me. Grayson's stats when he was born. I think it just all kind of sunk in when I looked at it. Seeing this card made me go back and remember that day, the feelings I had felt and how much I have grown since that time. It also helped me remember him, which sounds odd because I think of him a lot but it made me remember the physical side of him, not just the experience. My Grayson was 13 oz and 9 1/2 inches long. He fit in my hand with a little wiggle room left. He was a perfectly formed little boy.

 I think I need to open that box a little more often and remember just how much of a miracle he is to me and how he changed my life. He was taken from me before I even got to know him, but he had served his purpose. He had given me a change of heart and continuously helps me learn and grow so that I can be his Mother again in the next life.

Every Year Gets Harder {Grayson Post}

via Greg Olsen

I'm sitting here with so much on my mind and I have no idea how to put any of it into words without losing it. How do you put this into words without sounding like a big baby? Or feeling ridiculous for not "getting over it" already. So this will probably not make sense to anyone but myself, but this is my place to brain dump and get my feelings out so that is that.
You would think that 3 years later this would be easier, but instead it seems that it gets harder. How is that? Isn't time supposed to heal wounds...not make them worse? It is starting to get harder and harder to see kids that would be Grayson's age. It's hard to feel like something is missing from your heart. From your family. From your home. What does he look like? Is he talking and walking? Is he fiesty or shy? Does he like to snuggle up at night like his brothers? Who is taking care of my baby? Does he have anyone there to take care of him? To protect him?
It was so long ago and we have nothing for him really, it almost seems like he wasn't real. Maybe I'm afraid of losing him or his memory. Maybe thats why its so hard, I am wanting so badly to make sure he is remembered. But I don't have much for him. No body, no record of birth or death, nothing. Just a few pictures and his memory. But that should be enough shouldn't it?
I'm not sure how to not let it get harder. All of the things that other mothers who'd lost children were describing at that time, I am feeling now. I don't understand it. I probably never will. All I know is that I miss my baby more than ever and I want him here with me now. But I can't have him. I will never have him in this life. He is gone. And even though this life is just a brief period of time in the big picture, it seems like forever right at this very moment. I want my baby. I want my Grayson.

Mother's Day Weekend...in pictures! (a grayson pic too...just as a warning)



Friday was a monumental day for me. It truly was. Why...you may ask? Because I really really did NOT want to exercise. But I decided to anyway and guess what happened? I was able to jog 2 MILES without stopping! I've never done that in my entire life! I am proud...and it gives me some serious motivation to do better. Not to mention I was in full belief I'd have an awesome weigh in after accomplishing something so great.   

 Well....all my hopes of a great weigh in were crushed. Abolished. Totally crashed out into oblivion. I GAINED 0.2 lbs. To many it wouldn't be a huge deal...but this de-rails my goal of losing poundage before Disneyland. It seemed like an awesome week too, which has be scratching my head. But I'm going to strive to do better this week and see where it goes. So anyway...on to the weeekend.

I was feeling cabin feverish and was planning on going out of town this weekend to somewhere, anywhere... when my sis-in-law Betsy mentioned going to St George. I was all sorts of in like flynn. We left about 1 and went to her mothers house where we went swimming. Ryder had such a good time....he loved his floaty Betsy had gotten him, and loved being able to catch Jackers in his floaty. It was such a great swim. (I didn't have my phone right then...or I would've taken pictures) After burning some time we went to Cracker Barrel with Mom and Dad which was fantastic. I had a cute picture of him sitting on a rocking chair...but this blogger deal is being retarded. So there ya go. We then decided to make a detour to the Sweet Tooth Fairy (I'd never been there) and oh boy is that a dangerous place.  



Soooo many to choose from!







Mmmmmmmmmmm







Awww cupcake heaven!



On our way home, Ryder fell asleep and stayed alseep until about 11:00 pm when he woke up with a case of Croup sooo bad that he couldn't breath. He was literally gasping for breath and his heart rate was no joke about 170 beats/min. It was scary for me. All the kids have had Croup before but we have been able to manage it with cold air until morning for a doc appointment. This was serious though. So we went into the ER and they were really nice. They took good care of him and at around 2:00 am we got to go home...and Ry was good and breathing again. So that was very nice. 

 Sunday was Mother's Day. We had a realitively calm day. Me and Ryder slept in for quite awhile, since we'd both had a long night and then waited for brothers to come back. We then went to church and it wasn't until there was a super cute newborn little boy in the row in front of me during Sunday school that not having Grayson here got to me. I cried. Not like, crazy noticably because that would've been embarassing. But tears and runny nose. I gathered my composure however and was able to play piano in Relief Society. I also have an appointment with my bishopric on Tuesday...not sure why....

After that was dinner at the parents house. I was ornery and kinda bummed and Ryder was being a pill all of a sudden, so I let Grandma give her Grandma loves for a while before I attempted to deal with him. Playing the piano has always been a good stress reliever so I attempted that and cried some more...but it did make me feel better.

After a tasty dinnner, the boys and I decided to go put flowers on some of the baby graves at the cemetary. Even though it was FREEZING cold and really windy. It was worth it. And a good end to the night.

So for Grayson...happy birthday my darling. It was a bittersweet Mother's Day for me, but I know that your little life impacted mine the way it needed to, and everything is part of His bigger plan. I can't wait to see you again. I love you and I hope you had a great birthday as well.



The Irony of Mothers Day

So I've found this blog to be more of a journaling thing for me versus just sharing whats going on in our lives...so for todays post...just bare with me. Or skip this post. I won't be offended I promise. But this ones a bit close to my heart.

I have a desktop calender at work that I store my work related stuff as well as birthdays, the kids' school things, other events going on, etc. I was writing in the trips and events during my May month...and ran across Mothers Day. Why is this important? Because this year Grayson's birthday lands smack on Mothers Day. I handle pain and sadness different than most. I generally just go numb and choose not to feel it. But every so often it will creep up. Generally, its when the boys ask about him. They ask when we can get him a grave, where is his at, where can we go to visit him, when will we see him again....
The other day we ran out of gas (shocking I know haha) by the cemetary so I pulled in to wait for a friend to rescue me since my normal rescuers (my parents) were out of town that day. The boys and I decided to walk around and right in front of where we parked was the grave of a baby girl. A few feet away was a baby boy. As we walked around, there were a shocking number of baby angel graves. It made my heart break a little that my emotions surrounding Grayson coming prevented him from having that too. The boys are a bit sad about that as well, but life goes on. Which brings me to my next point.
I feel like I shouldn't just let the day pass without remembering him, but I don't know what to do. I feel deep down that he should be remembered, but on the surface I feel like I'm being silly at the same time. I don't by any means want people to feel/think that I'm trying to get attention, or make anyone feel bad for me, because that is not the case in any way. I have that fear with alot of things, but especially this. It's just a personal internal warfare that needs to be unleashed from time to time.
Life has moved on for me and its not something I would normally dwell on, but at the same time...he is very much apart of my family and in my heart and the boys' hearts. Bah. Why is life so challenging sometimes?

More Thinking...Yes I Do This Far Too Often

This last weekend has been one that has invoked alot of thought on my part. I'm not going to be specific on what those are out of respect to the people involved, but there has been alot of thought about Grayson. I know I try to downplay my feelings and make everyone think I'm okay, but I also think that it has been a disservice to me at times. It tends to make me not manage my feelings well and that was proved this weekend alittle bit. Feelings of remorse, guilt and even jealousy popped up for my decisions with Grayson. I don't feel like I handled that situation well at all, and I know people will say "Well it was a tough time and you did the best given the circumstances..." but I didn't. I was soo worried about being a burden on others that I didn't give my little guy the respect he deserved. I'm very sad about that and have a whole lot of guilt over it. I know there isn't much I can do now about it, but it doesn't change things. The feeling I didn't expect to pop up was jealousy. I am not jealous of that type situation by any means, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I think I'm more jealous of the fact that some people are more put together in a time of crisis than I could ever be. They have been able to make decisions (which are decisions you would never want to be faced with) that I pushed down quite a bit so that no one knew I was hurting and of course, the whole burden thing. I don't know why I'm so concerned with being a burden but it really is kind of a driving force in alot of my decisions.
In addition to all that, another experience has made me really think about myself, my health, my family, and what is stopping me from being the person I want to be. Health is precious and I take it for granted. Not that I'm the healthiest person ever cause I know I'm not, but all in all I haven't had too many issues that weren't managable. It also makes me appreciate my family much more, especially my parents, for being there in my tough times and in the good times. My parents have saved my butt more times than I can count in soo many different ways. I don't like the thought of either of them not being around. But out of all these kind of sad and negative feelings, I've found a greater appreciation for the things that I have. An awesome family, caring friends, amazing kids, a good job (even though I complain sometimes, I really do love what I do) and a Heavenly Father who I forget about sometimes but still loves me all the same and does things to remind me he's there. Life will even out eventually I think. Its bound to. Until then, I guess the only thing we can do is keep trudging along and hope for the best. At least thats what I'm going to try to do.