An inside look on de kimmeh brain....

I've been following a blog called Fighting Off Frumpy and she has inspired me. She is hilarious, I totally suggest you go check her out. Anyway...she has inspired this post. So we are gonna get down and gritty....hold on tight for the ride.

I've never felt like I was skinny. Ever. I've always had some sort of a body issue from as far back as 2nd grade. I remember feeling fat because I was bigger than the other girls. In reality, I really wasn't fat. Thicker that others...yes. But considering I got boobs and started that "girly thing" in 4th grade...I was a bit further along in "blossoming" than other girls. If ya'll know what I mean. When I was looking at some old pictures my mom had dug up of me back in the younger years, I realized that I was retarded. I was not fat. Yes I was alittle bit heavier, but seriously...I played soccer, tennis, softball, basketball...I danced...I wasn't fat.

NOW...

I'm fat. My body looks like a 80 year old lady who has a big ball of dough stuck to her tummy. (And arms. And thighs. And butt.....) It's not a pretty sight. It was hard going from 17 year old body to pregnant body to BOOM old lady body in a matter of 8 months. What caused this? Well the stupid notion that you could eat whatever you wanted and not exercise while prego. And then getting married too young, being a kid having a kid, knowing your new husband didn't really love you but trying to make it work anyway....it threw me into a major depression. I lived far away enough from my family and my friends that I felt like a secluded little girl stuck in a trailer with a newborn and a husband who was never home. I cooked when I was bored. Or ate junk food. My favorite choice of junk food was double stuffed mint oreos. More than once I ate an entire package by myself in one sitting. So that extra 40 lbs that I gained during my pregnancy inched up and up and up until...(sigh this is hard to admit but I need to....) I was over 100 lbs overweight. Seriously. I was perfectly content to stay at home in shorts and a stained T with no makeup on and my hair a hot mess. I loathed going out because I would have to get ready and NOTHING I owned fit. I'd wear my husbands pants and shirts, but even they were tight. And I hated even more having to buy fat clothes. So it was easier to wallow in my own self loathing at home looking horrendous.

As time went on, I would pull myself out of this depression a little and get (at least) dressed for the day. I'd drop 10-15 lbs here and there but I always gained it back. Getting pregnant again luckily only had me gain 20 lbs and some of it slipped off rather easily, but I attribute that to the stress of having a child with issues at birth. And then surgeries, doc appointments, etc. You kinda HAVE to not look like a hot mess for that stuff. But...I was still depressed. This is the time frame that I finally came to terms and realized I was being cheated on. To what extent, I did not know. But I'd found enough evidence that I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore. I felt horrible. I was scared. I went back into an even deeper depression because I knew that leaving this marriage would be difficult and who would want to be with this whale-ish girl I had turned into anyway? Finally...I'd had enough. I found a way out with an opportunity I had been presented with in Oregon and I was done. I went there, lost 30 lbs in the short time I was there and felt fantastic. Until I had to return to real life and deal with the mess I had created at home.

Fast forward past the downward spiral I threw myself into of making not so smart choices and such...and stop at getting pregnant with Ryder. I was scared, embarassed, even more depressed, but he pulled me out of the bad choices I was making and I begin my upward descent. I only gained like 15 lbs with him and lost it rather quickly. but then it shot back up and I was hitting that 100 lbs overly obese high again. And I felt like crap. I was depressed, my life wasn't going how I had hoped....and then I got pregnant with Grayson. My little angel Grayson. That was a huge turning point for me. In his little time with me he made me take a real good look at myself and figure out what I was doing and why I was continually screwing myself over time and time again. He also opened my eyes to the blessings of God. Truly, he was a blessing. A very heartbreaking and sad blessing, but he changed me. I was still depressed but I knew I could pull out of it and I knew that I needed to if I wanted to be able to see him again one day. It took time...but I gained confidence and hope that things could be better. Slowly I realized that I'm a good person. I really am. I started going back to church, making better choices, joined Weight Watchers, and lost 22 lbs.

That brings me to today. I have been going through a slump of wondering why its really worth the hard work and dedication it takes to give back to myself. I felt AMAZING when I was eating healthy and working out, making smart choices and taking time for me instead of focusing 100% on my kids 100% of the time. I deserved a little me time. Everyone does. So why was I having such issues?
Well....reading Rita's story struck a cord. She had hit her low. She knew she was miserable and had absolutely no desire to get her butt off the couch. However she was trying to fight off being that frumpy woman she felt she was turning into. And guess what? She did it. She lost the weight she had packed on...she gave back to herself. She managed it with 3 kids as well and did so with a good sense of humor along the way. It was soooo nice to know that I wasn't the only one who has been going through these feelings of inadequacy and it was also VERY inspiring knowing that she had trudged through and made it! Which means that I just might have a chance of doing that as well!

So here I stand (or sit) to make a commitment. I am going to give to myself. I'm going to do what I can to make my body strong and healthy. It will take little baby steps, but I've already done some of those with Weight Watchers and need to get back on it. I know it works, I just need to have a little faith. And I need to know that I am ok. Because I am. I'm awesome. I just haven't realized that yet. But its time to yank the boot straps and get on it. And when I do mess up...I'm not going to criticize myself any longer. Cause ya know...this is not just a temporary thing. There will be ups and downs....and thats just part of life. But I will forgive myself and move on. So....there ya go. You now know WAY more than you probably ever wanted to about this girl....but I'm hoping that in a year I will be able to revisit this post and say...

"Ya know? I did it. I got past it. And hopefully I inspired someone else along the way to take their life back."

So ya'll I hope you have a great day today...and remember that your awesome. Truly amazing. And don't forget that. :)

P.S. look forward to a riveting future post on my thoughts of the state welfare system....should be a good one!

Glitter in the Air

Anyone who knows me knows that I love music. Love it. Music makes me feel, makes me think. Music can make me happy or make me sad. Music can calm me down or pump me up. So many of my feelings are tied to music. This morning my song is Glitter in the Air by Pink. Its beautiful. The lines that speak to me.....

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone

Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself if it will ever get better than tonight?
Its only a half past the point of oblivion

The hourglass on the table

The walk before the run

The breath before the kiss

And the fear before the flames

Have you ever felt this way?

These are only part of the lyrics, but they are the lines that jab me in the heart. And for some reason helped me get out of this......

Last night I had a point of....depression maybe? I'm not sure what it was...but it went something like "I am sooo tired of having to work soo flipping hard for everything I want...and really...everything I need in my life."

Since being on my own, I've had to work to pull myself out of a very deep low point I went through for about a year after I seperated. I've had to work at being a better mom, at working job after job to keep enough money coming in to be able to support my family on my own. I've had to suck my pride in and take a trip to loserville to ask for help (which I hate due to my wierd obsession with having to do everything myself and feeling like a total and complete failure if I have to ask for help) and feel like I was/am a huge pain in the butt to those who have helped me...namely my parents. I've had to work at keeping friendships only to have them lost later on. At relationships that I knew weren't right, but I was soo lonely I was willing to grasp on to them until I knew with every fiber of my being they needed to end. I've had to work hard on this chub deal (which isn't going so well) which sounds minor but it truly brings me down that I'm failing. And by far the hardest thing I am emotionally struggling with is keeping myself clean (not hygiene wise, I have no issues showering...church wise). I can tell a HUGE difference between when I got that all resolved...and how I feel today. And it's not a good thing how I am today. I feel like I have a whole lot of dreams and desires...but they are all sooo unobtainable and I'm backsliding at a high rate of speed. In essence...right now...I feel like a complete failure. Is it really worth it to work so flipping hard with only minimal results? I kept thinking last night "Why can't I just have ONE easy out? Just one. One thing to go right and stay right so I can have a little hope that the rest will fall in to place." 

But...then I realized that no matter how much I beg, plead or pray...no matter how much I hate it...I'm going to have to work hard and I will not get an easy out. I'll get little blessings to help along the way and pick me up when I fall...but not carry my entire load so I can have a free ride. And it sucks. And I hate it because I'm soooo exhausted and ready to just give it all up. But...if I don't do this (meaning all the stuff I'm working on right now) for myself then it won't get done. Not to mention everything that happens to me is directly tied to my kids...and I really don't have the money to pay for the therapy I'm sure they already need so I gots to try not to make it any worse. So I'm pulling myself up by the boot straps. And focusing on the positives that are going on right now, cause there are alot of them. I have just been blinded a little, thats all.

Today...

....is a day of recap and random thoughts.

*Nate learned bike safety at his boy scouts pack meeting last night. He also earned lots of badges and beads. He is getting so big and makes me so proud. His hands are ALMOST as big as mine. His feet are already there. Where does the time go?

*I find out today if I can get into school again. I'm hoping its a yes...and I'm hoping that the financial aid will work out otherwise its going to be a no go anyway.

*My goals for June (the 5/5/30 challenge) are not going well. However...on the sweet front I've limited myself quite a bit. So I'm ok with that. At this weeks weigh in I'll know if I met my 5 lb goal. I highly doubt I'll be able to do a 5k this month but maybe. We shall see when the time comes.

*I'm wondering why I always set myself up goals...but lose thunder and stop working towards them after awhile. I need to figure out a way to reward myself so that I can make sure I finish my goals. Apparently the joy of finishing them alone isn't worth it? I dunno.

*I decided I need to find something I love. Something I really enjoy doing and can focus my time on. I think that would help me immensely and keep me from getting super lonely/depressed at night after kids go to bed. What that may be? I do not know.

*I wish life was easy and that whatever we wanted to do would be open to us. Granted...things wouldn't work so well like that either and chaos would be rampant. But still....

Thoughts and Heartache

Do you ever have an all of a sudden heartache? Or how certain things recall lots of memories? For me it's music and smells. More so the music right now. I am listening to the Hallelujiah song from Shrek (except its the version from the HUGS video). I love this song. But it recalls memories. I'm not sure how they got tied to this particular song, but they did. And its not an actual sadness per say, just a fleeting heartache (yes I'm sure its not a heart attack). Its hard to explain.

It makes me think of my friend Evan, who passed on recently. He was in such a huge amount of pain, and I didn't even realize it. It makes me sad that I soo judgemental and figured he was fine, just needing attention. It is a regret I will have for a very long time. I still think of him often. And thats wierd to me, because its not normally how I handle deaths, but I also think other things have changed me a bit. It also makes me think of the 2 other people that I knew who have died since then. I wasn't close to them by any means, but its just an odd thing when 3 people you know die in a matter of like, a month.

And then of course, it makes me think of Grayson. My sweet Grayson. He was a true miracle. I don't know if I'll ever be the same me as I was before he touched my life. And I don't know that I want to be. I also don't know that anyone else would notice a change in me, but its something inside that got touched, tweaked a little bit. Even as I sit here I go back to when he was born and the events that happened there after. I see my family there with me, my dad and brother giving a blessing to him. Funny how when I think back, thats the first thing that pops in my head. My family....and that blessing. I don't think its sporatic.

The boys will just stand there and look at his picture. It makes me wonder what they are thinking.

After Evans funeral we went to the graveside and as we were getting back in the car, Nate asked me if while we were there we could ask the people at the cemetary to get Grayson a spot too.

Heartache. And wishing things could be different.

But its fleeting and it will go away. So maybe this kind of thing just happens to remind us that we need to be grateful for those who have touched our lives, either alive or passed on. And to remind us to give free hugs every once in awhile, or just take a second out of our day to make sure those we care about are doing okay.

So to leave today...the lyrics of a song I will always love, Go Rest Ye High On That Mountain of which was sung at Evans funeral.

"I know your life on earth was troubled and only you could know the pain. You weren't afraid to face the devil, you were no stranger to pain. Oh how we cried the day you left us and gathered around your grave to grieve. Wish I could see the angels faces when they hear your sweet voice sing. Go rest high on that mountain, cause son, your work on Earth is done. Go to Heaven a shoutin your love for the Father and the Son"

Thoughts of the Day

- I do not see the fun and excitement in Twitter. A friend of mine has been bugging me to sign up forever, so I finally did, and yeah. I'm just really not getting why its so big and fabulous for me to use. I think I'll stick to facebook. Its much easier.

- I was happy to read a friends post today about comparing herself to the world and not ever living up to worldly standards. I'd link up to it but again, I'm blog-illiterate and have no idea how to do that. Not that I would wish it on anyone, but its nice to know I'm not alone in the world in feeling not up to the worlds standards of what I "should" be. But as she points out, that is NOT whats important. What is important is knowing we are daughters of Heavenly Father and he made us just the way we are for a reason, and more importantly....he is not finished with us yet. Thats what matters most.

- In my planning for Disneyland I have set myself 2 goals. First goal, save $1000 by August. Second goal, is a personal one that I will disclose at a later date. The money goal, however, might need to be revised which will be easier after child support starts rolling in (come on....legal stuff. lets get a move on!) and this is because I was looking at ticket prices...and about died. for a 2 day hopper pass for kids 3 - 9 it was like $150! So JUST tickets alone for all 4 of us would be almost $650 (the adult passes were like $180 or somethin). Ouch is all I can say. So that and gas to drive there would take the entire thousand. Yeah....no bueno.

Reality Check (and venting/apology/humble pie post...and its long sorry)

I just got to say...I am soo tired of seeing people use the system. Whether it be lazy folks or illegals or just straight up moochers...Bah! Really?!

This may sound strange coming from me considering I myself recieve government help. I get state paid childcare, medicaid and food stamps. And I'm grateful the help is there....but I'm not proud of the fact I need to use these resources. But without them, I would be starving and homeless.

Literally.

For example, to put all the boys on my insurance would cut down my take home pay by a couple hundred/month. As it stands, if I had to pay my daycare out of pocket it would leave me with $100 a month for everything else in my life...so if we go off of my homeless scenerio and take a couple hundred out for insurance, I wouldn't be able to even pay my entire daycare bill. So yeah. And...with all those other pieces into play...we would obviously have no food and would starve.

So I am grateful these resources are here for people who truly need them and wouldn't survive without them.

But.

I get soo frustrated when I see or hear of people using the system. They feel entitled to recieve the assistance instead of humbled at the fact they have to even apply. And they are the reason that people using these resources get a bad name. I mean really?

Reality check folks!

On this same note, here is my reality check. Due to happenings in my life in the last year or so I have gotten some huge reality checks of my own that are not always positive. So here goes.

I really and truly hope nobody has the opinion that I am a moocher or entitled to anything. And I know a couple people that probably do and it breaks my heart.

So here are my feelings in a nutshell (its a big nut...).

I do not feel entitled to get help. I do not like to ask for help in pretty much any situation because I don't want to seem like a moocher or inadequate (which I am fully aware is retarded in certain situations and it has been detrimental to me sadly).

But I really do try to be an honest person in every situation. I know that sometimes the way I react to things can make it appear otherwise but I don't show my emotions well and I will put on a happy face before I show anyone I feel bad or am mad. Thats just how I am. If I mess something up...I'm not going to be overly dramatic about it. I say shoot sorry, give a smile, and try not to let it affect my day too much. And then lose a ton of sleep that night because I can't stop thinking about it and can't stop racking my brain to find ways to make the situation better. I wish I was different. I'd love to be more outgoing and be more outward with my feelings and I've tried, but it hasn't worked.

I just feel like a retard and I'm sure I look like a retard when I do try. So I'm truly sorry to anyone who has been offended by me or have gotten the impression that I don't care. I do very much. I just don't show it well.

Also, I am forgetful. Very forgetful.

If I was supposed to do something but have lots and lots on my plate as it is, I most likely will forget. I have sticky notes everywhere in my office and reminders that pop up on my calender. At home I stick everything on the fridge so I remember when stuff is and have alerts on my phone to remind me.

This one makes me feel the worst by far due to the not wanting to be a moocher...but I'm horrible at remembering to pay people back. I get busy with kids and life and honestly forget to grab money. (I'm the same way with my bills...before I had a budget system set up I would constantly forget what bills to pay when). I know its horrible and it makes me look bad and I hate that...but its true. And that is why I really try to stay self sufficient and pay for stuff as it comes along, but I don't always have that luxury. So please...don't just assume I'm a moocher who doesn't want to pay back. I honestly forget and it doesn't hurt my feelings to be reminded, I'd prefer it so that I can remain honest in my dealings.

So why am I saying all this stuff? Well here it is. I have made alot of mistakes in my life. I have hurt people throughout my life that care about me and I feel horrid about it. I would hope that I've improved and progressed since those days (I feel like I have to a degree)...but I know I have some annoying character traits that alot of people misunderstand and I totally see why they would, because I would misunderstand if I didn't know what was going on in my own head. So I'm clarifying just merely because I have eaten a bite of humble pie and hope people will understand my thought processes as well. And I hope it doesn't come off as me being self centered or self righteous...

I just want people to know that I do care. I really do care.

I really try to be a good person but I know that I suck at showing that and I can come off as careless. And I apologize. I'm eating my slice of humble pie and I hope anyone that has ever been offended by me or hurt by me can eventually accept my apology.

Thoughts

There are a couple thoughts rolling around my head today.

First thought of the day....Booking last minute flights can be hazardous to your health. Not really...but I booked a flight to a meeting in Salt Lake that was supposed to be today...and it got cancelled this morning. I'm just happy I came into work to receive the notifications before I headed to the airport.

Second thought of the day....I just glanced at a picture of my boys and thought. "Wow I have amazing kids. I love them soo much."

Third thought of the day....I am going to miss my kids like crazy while in DC next week. I'm grateful for the opportunities to advance my knowledge and training and I will always welcome them as they come. I will miss my kids like crazy though and will look forward to having a peaceful Christmas with them after I get back.

Fourth thought of the day....I really am looking forward to going to DC next week. As much as I will miss my kids and as mentioned before I will be missing them like crazy and wishing I could've afforded to take them... I am looking forward to building up the relationships with my co-workers, gaining new friendships, gaining new knowledge to further my effectiveness in my job, and just being able to experience new things and new places in the Countries capital. It should be a memorable trip.

More Thinking...Yes I Do This Far Too Often

This last weekend has been one that has invoked alot of thought on my part. I'm not going to be specific on what those are out of respect to the people involved, but there has been alot of thought about Grayson. I know I try to downplay my feelings and make everyone think I'm okay, but I also think that it has been a disservice to me at times. It tends to make me not manage my feelings well and that was proved this weekend alittle bit. Feelings of remorse, guilt and even jealousy popped up for my decisions with Grayson. I don't feel like I handled that situation well at all, and I know people will say "Well it was a tough time and you did the best given the circumstances..." but I didn't. I was soo worried about being a burden on others that I didn't give my little guy the respect he deserved. I'm very sad about that and have a whole lot of guilt over it. I know there isn't much I can do now about it, but it doesn't change things. The feeling I didn't expect to pop up was jealousy. I am not jealous of that type situation by any means, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I think I'm more jealous of the fact that some people are more put together in a time of crisis than I could ever be. They have been able to make decisions (which are decisions you would never want to be faced with) that I pushed down quite a bit so that no one knew I was hurting and of course, the whole burden thing. I don't know why I'm so concerned with being a burden but it really is kind of a driving force in alot of my decisions.
In addition to all that, another experience has made me really think about myself, my health, my family, and what is stopping me from being the person I want to be. Health is precious and I take it for granted. Not that I'm the healthiest person ever cause I know I'm not, but all in all I haven't had too many issues that weren't managable. It also makes me appreciate my family much more, especially my parents, for being there in my tough times and in the good times. My parents have saved my butt more times than I can count in soo many different ways. I don't like the thought of either of them not being around. But out of all these kind of sad and negative feelings, I've found a greater appreciation for the things that I have. An awesome family, caring friends, amazing kids, a good job (even though I complain sometimes, I really do love what I do) and a Heavenly Father who I forget about sometimes but still loves me all the same and does things to remind me he's there. Life will even out eventually I think. Its bound to. Until then, I guess the only thing we can do is keep trudging along and hope for the best. At least thats what I'm going to try to do.