Music Love

In my random music listenings, I found another that I love and wanted to share. This song is awesome anyway, but it is made even more beautiful by The Piano Guys. So without further ado.....

A Thousand Years by Christina Perri - covered by The Piano Guys. Love it.

May is FINALLY done

Holy geez was anyone else's May absolutely insane? I know mine was. My calendar wall hasn't ever been as full as it was in May. Two of the biggest things that happened were the parents leaving to Alaska and our trip to Salt Lake (Alaska is on our to-do list within the next year or so Steph, so be prepared!).

So here is how it all played out. I think I mentioned before that I was pretty dang frustrated with the lack on communication between myself, the Orthodontist and the Surgeon for Tyler. So at the last Ortho appointment our doc said he didn't feel Tyler was ready for surgery, he wanted to do more spacing work. However surgery is scheduled. So I decided to see the surgeon so we could find out if he felt Tyler was ready for surgery. The soonest appointment was on the 29th. So I took it.

Well, that is the week the parents booked the Alaska trip. Which means I was on my own in regards to taking care of the boys. And that week was about the craziest week in all of May. That was the boys' first week out of school, Memorial Day was Monday, Tuesday was Scouts (which we missed, I had to actually go to work), Wednesday was our Salt Lake trip, Thursday we had dentist appointments and play practice and Saturday was Weight Watchers. I can honestly say I didn't realize how much my parents do to help me until I was left to my own devices. Mom and Dad, thank you very much for your help. We all missed you both very much. I really don't know if I could do this without you. It really does take a village to raise a family when your a single parent. It definitely makes me think twice about moving to St George until I'm a little more prepared.

So the Salt Lake trip was insanely long but actually kind of fun. I was not looking forward to the 10+ hours in the car with the boys but we had a blast. And they were good company up until around an hour away from getting home. I was impressed. We left early Wednesday morning and made it to Salt Lake about half an hour before the appointment started, so we wandered around Primary Children's. We actually ended up getting in to see the doc early and was in and out before our appointment was actually supposed to start. I was impressed. That NEVER happens in that office. We usually wait an hour to get in for 10 minutes to see the doc. So we decided to try to find the Gateway but, alas, this is where I got lost. I couldn't find it to save my life. We finally gave up and drove until we found Smashburger (dang that place is good but holy cow, lots  AND LOTS of points on Weight Watchers). After that we headed to Cabelas to see the "sharks" since Ry couldn't stop talking about them and spent a good two hours in that place. It was actually kinda fun.
During that mix, I was trying to get a loan closed out from a distance AND while we were driving on the freeway, someone hit our car and speed off. Another testament as to why I couldn't live up there, too much traffic and crazy drivers. So it was a fun trip. We all had fun and slept real good that night.

Oh...and as for Tyler's surgery. The surgeon says we are ready so his surgery is here in a few weeks. This time only me and Ty will be going up there and it will be for a couple days, not just one. Hoorah. We are both a little nervous but happy to finally get it over and done with.

So that was May. June we have lots of birthdays, Summer Camp, Scouts day camps, play practices, more dentist appointments and Tyler's surgery. It's going to be a long month! How's your summer so far? Any fun plans?

Random Ramblings

I was looking at my schedule for the next few months and holy geez we are going to be a busy little fam. The parents are going to Alaska (jealous by the way) so I will be doing a lot more running around with the kids than normal. By the way, thank you to my parents, I didn't realize how much running you do some days until I'm left to my own devices.
I think I've mentioned my saga with Tyler's surgery stuff before but my frustration is ever present. The orthodontist (with whom I adore by the way) feels Tyler isn't ready. He has been moving kind of slow though, which I don't understand. But anyway. Him and the surgeon are not working together too well and after the last orthodontist appointment, I decided I'm done guessing. So we have a pre-op appointment next Wednesday up in Salt Lake to see if the surgeon thinks he's ready. And....we will go from there. Since the surgeon is the primary doc on our team, he will go with what he says.
The unknown is very frustrating when I'm trying to plan the summer though. The boys have activities they want to do and I can't make a decision until I know whats going on with this dang surgery because Ty's ability to move and play will be a big factor in decisions.
Anywho, back to the busy month. So we have that going on, then dentist appointments, then another orthodontist appointment, then surgery coming up in June if it really is happening. The kids want to do summer camp, archery and golf this summer. And somewhere in the mix I've told them we can do a mini vacation up to Salt Lake to Lagoon. However I am regretting telling them that after I saw the prices of admission to Lagoon. Holy Smokes! I died a little inside. We may need to make alternative plans.
So that is our future endeavors, I think it's going to be a very busy summer. Maybe that is why I'm not supposed to be moving yet.....too busy? Who knows.

And can I just mention this.....I know that couples have their own sets of issues and relationships can be hard. However, sometimes I really wish I had someone who I could bounce off of, who could keep me company, who could help with the kids when I need it, and etc etc etc. Just throwing that out to the universe. But funny enough, a relationship kind of scares me a little too because I am pretty stuck in my ways, merging lives can be difficult. I don't envy the person who has to put up with me when that time comes, if it does.

Ok rambling is over. Happy weekend and happy Memorial Day ya'll, take a minute to appreciate those who have passed on and are watching over us.

Goals and my lack there of

As I sit here stuffing my face with pizza, I am thinking of my goals. I have lots of goals. Tons of them floating in my head. I have the life I want pictured in my head, a happy life for myself and my boys. I know exactly what I want. My problem is, I have practically no discipline and no motivation. Which after I write about it, sounds pretty dang pathetic. The thing is, I've hit the monumental moment where I knew that the only person who could change my life was me. I hit that along time ago. But even now, as I say those words, it hits my heart as if it were a surprise yet I know it's true. No matter how much I wish some sort of miracle would happen, I know I'm the only one who can ever change my life. Ever. There is no magical button to push. There is no magical potion to drink. Change takes work. Hard work. Sometimes ridiculous amounts of hard work. And guess what? Results don't come right away. They take a LONG time. That's the part I don't like. I want what I want when I want it, not when I'm ready or capable to receive it. I obviously need to adjust my thinking slightly.
But the experts all say the same thing....if you want something to change, then change it. Work your butt off to achieve your goal because if it is just handed to you on a silver platter, you probably won't appreciate it as much as if you worked hard to achieve it. At a recent "vision meeting" we had at work, we discussed how we needed to make it a goal to be the best. The greatest. Not to try, but to do. Do everything it takes to be the best at something. And I know that is true. I do. So I guess it's time to do a little changing. So I'm going to share what I want out of life. I have made several goals in my life and most of what I'm writing will be repeats because quite frankly, I have had the same or close to the same goals for quite a long time. So in no particular order:

Goal one: Get back to a healthy weight so I can live longer and be around for my children's children.
Goal two: Love myself.
Goal three: Be a better, more involved mother. 
Goal four: Be the best in my field of work, the very best.
Goal five: Save up a 3 month reserve of money for emergencies
Goal six: Save up 5% down on a home (I'm figuring on a $125,000 to $150,000 home)
Goal seven: Stick to my budget, including allowances for the kids and enrollments for extra activities
Goal eight: Pay off all of my debt, including those on my credit that really need to be paid off
Goal nine: Make sure my kids always know that they are smart, kind, amazing and loved.
Goal ten: Always find a way to serve others and teach my children to do the same.
Goal eleven: Own my own home.
Goal twelve: Take my kids on some sort of a vacation every single year.
Goal thirteen: Make sleep a priority. I currently get around 4-5 hrs a night. Probably not good.
Goal fourteen: Make exercise a priority for the whole family.

Now these are all (for the most part) going to take a whole lot of time to accomplish. They are going to take some serious, long term changes in my life. And I am fully aware I cannot work on them all at the same time, because that will never work. I also know that the goals are intertwined. As I accomplish one, another will come closer to being accomplished. So for now, I start slowly.

In order for me to accomplish these goals I need to start from the beginning. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of others. So losing weight is a priority, as will loving myself. I am also going to stick to my budget, because that will help me to accomplish my financial goals. And probably the very most important goals of all revolve around my kids. I will be working on those goals as well right now. The rest will come later as I accomplish my base goals.

A few of these goals are my behemoth goals. The goals that are definitely going to take some time for me to accomplish. Being the best of the best in my field is going to be a work in progress, and will take years to accomplish. But that doesn't mean I am not going to work my butt off to do so.
The financial goals are mini behemoth goals. It may take few years to accomplish them. But I'm going to try my freaking hardest to do so.

So anyway, enough ranting. I get paid Monday, so it's time to create my budget for this paycheck. Good night all.

Talking To The Moon

I am part of an infant loss group on Facebook where people can share stories, vent, share happy moments, or whatever they need to do to help heal. I admit I don't look at the page very often but I was browsing it today and came across a beautiful song that one of the girls posted on Mother's Day (By the way, happy mothers day ya'll!) and loved it so much I wanted to share. I love the lyrics, absolutely love them. They could apply to a few different aspects of my life right now, which is probably why I love them so. Enjoy.

Talking To The Moon - Bruno Mars

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

 I want you back

I want you back

My neighbors think I'm crazy

But they don't understand

You're all I had

You're all I had

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself talking to the moon.

Trying to get to you 

In hopes you're on the other side 

Talking to me too.

Or am I a fool who sits alone

Talking to the moon?

I'm feeling like I'm famous

The talk of the town they say

I've gone mad but they don't know

What I know

Cause when the sun goes down

Someone's talking back

Yeah they're talking back

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself talking to the moon.

Trying to get to you 

In hopes you're on the other side 

Talking to me too.

Or am I a fool who sits alone

Talking to the moon?

Cause every night I'm talking to the moon

Still trying to get to you

In hope's your on the other side

Talking to me too

Or am I a fool who sits alone
Talking to the moon?

I know you'r somewhere out there

Somewhere far away.

Freak

I am about tired of this month, and its only half way done. I have had 3 loans that I swear anything that could go wrong has gone wrong on, two of which are resolved but one of which is not. Which is frustrating. I have looked back in hindsight and have seen ways I can learn from my mistakes for the next time, but it doesn't help my demolished confidence any for the moment. And on the one that's not fixed yet, I have absolutely no pull whatsoever to fix it and that really irritates me. The only thing I can do is bug and bug and bug (and believe me I have) to get things done. But in the end, it is what it is and I just have to hold my head high and pray for strength to get through it all.
Which brings me to the moving issue, again. I got my hopes up for buying a house but quite frankly, my credit is shot enough that this will not be a possibility for a very long time. I have other things of priority I need to take care of before I can shell out cash to fix my credit. And lately....St George has been calling my name. Again. More so than it has for quite some time actually. There is a cute little place in the same subdivision as one of my co-workers that I looked at last summer, and its coming open again this summer. It's in my price range and in a good/convenient area of town. I was worried about what to do with my kids during the summer until I found a summer program that runs the duration of the summer (not just a few days at a time) at a fantastic school in St George called Valor Hall. The program details didn't list cost but my daycare bill runs around $1100/mo for all three kids during the summer so.....can't get much worse than that. So things seem to be falling in place for a move there, except that the boys are now in a play here (Beauty and the Beast) and they will be busy with that all summer. Le Sigh.
I am really tired of not knowing what's next. I am ready for a miracle to happen or some higher power to shout whisper down where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing (and maybe where I can find a new significant other.....). I don't know. I hate this limbo thing. I've been in limbo for a year now (next month actually!) and I'm tired of it. I want to settle down sooo badly not only for me but for my boys. It is sooo rough on them to move around every few years, but every move had a purpose and there wasn't a better option at those times. But still. I'm tired of moving. I want to be settled. I want a perfect situation to fall in my lap and everything to work out exactly as I want it to happen. But alas, life is not perfect.
Anywho....rant over. Time to move on. Thanks for listening ya'll, have a great week.

Very Thankful

pretty flowers i found at a nursery here

In church on Sunday we had a lesson that incorporated being thankful for the kind deeds that others have done for us. I am so very blessed. I don't thank the people around me near enough for the kind things they do for me. The lesson, however, got me thinking about 4 years ago tomorrow when Grayson came into my life. I had sooo many kind people surrounding me during that time. Each played an important role for me and really helped me get through things a little better than I'm sure I would've without them.

To my parents, thank you for supporting me even though the circumstances weren't the greatest. Mom, thank you for sticking with me even when I tried to push you away. You saw past my tough act and stuck in there with me, and I appreciate you very much for that. Thank you for letting me cry and helping me know that was okay. Thank you for your patience with me and trying to understand what I was going through.

To my dad and my brother, thank you for giving my baby his blessing. I can't imagine how difficult that may have been for you but you willingly stepped up to the plate and you have no idea how much I am truly appreciative. That blessing is something that I hold dear. It gave and still gives me reassurance that my boy looking down on our family and isn't just lost in oblivion somewhere.

Thank you to the rest of my family for stepping up and being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for visiting me and offering your love and support. Thank you for remembering my son and counting him as part of our family. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you Steph for remembering every year that it's his birthday and checking in on me. I love you all.

Thank you to my dear friend Michelle. You took time out to sit with me in the hospital and helped me keep my mind off things. You helped pass the time and showed your love for me and my family. You are a beautiful soul and I am blessed to have you as a friend.

Thank to you to my dear friends Jarrod and Staci. Thank you for always being supportive and loving towards me and my boys. Thank you soo much for thinking to contact the NILMDTS photographer, I never would've thought to do that on my own and didn't even know they existed. And even if I had, with everything going on I probably wouldn't have done that on my own. Those pictures are soo special to me. I cherish them and keep them close. Thank you.

Thank you to my dear friends Tyler and Mande, who have always offered us love and support. I know your there and supportive whenever I need you. Thank you for helping us celebrate his birthdays with balloons. Thank you for your friendship, we love you guys.

Thank you to all of my co-workers at the time. Thank you Lisa from the school, who rallied up the troops and brought over meals for myself and my family. That helped so much. Thank you to Amanda and the co-workers at my other job for pooling money to help with costs/purchasing my remembrance necklace.

Thank you to everyone else who was supporting and caring for myself and my boys at that time and now. All of you had a deep impact in my life and there are not enough words in the world to express my gratitude for helping us be strong and endure.

I am thankful for my boys.They asked today when we were going to get a grave for Grayson. They so badly want somewhere we can visit  him, even if it's just his spirit we are visiting. Someday we will be able to afford one, someday. I love when Ryder asks about Grayson and wants me to talk about him. I love that they want to celebrate his birthday just as if he was here with us. They even want to have a birthday party for him tomorrow, complete with cake. Man I love them, sooo much.

And finally, to my sweet angel Grayson. Thank you for being a constant companion to us all. Your in my heart always and I think of you often. I know you are watching down on us and encouraging us to be our best. I am sorry I couldn't do more for you during your short life, but you have blessed me tremendously. I know you served your purpose to me and were too pure of a soul for this world. I love you more than life itself and cannot wait to be with you. I send you my love, my sweet angel, until we meet again.

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these....He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
     -excerpt from Mommy, Please Don't Cry

Control Freak

So I few weekends ago I had a complete emotional breakdown. I'm not sure I can point to one specific thing that caused it really, I just straight up broke down. I hauled the boys to the parents house and tried to keep it  together in hopes a break from them would help. Well it didn't, within a matter of minutes I lost it sobbing. I never cry, nonetheless throw down a giant sobfest. I'm pretty sure I kind of startled her a little but she was nice enough to just give me a hug and let me cry.
So that experience led me to re-evaluate some things. I know I'm feeling in limbo about my location. When to move, where to move, what will be best in the long run for my family and my finances. I'm feeling out of whack about my physical health...it's only getting worse by the day. I'm worried about Ry and school, I don't know that he's prepared and don't know what to do to help him. I'm worried about Nate and the friends he's hanging out at school. I'm worried about Ty and his surgery, his constant fits, the lying, and the insecurities he has. I hate our limited time with each other, I feel out of sync as a parent. I'm worried about this dang apartment, since I'm pretty sure that massive leaking roof issue from winter screwed with the electrical work and that can't be safe. I don't think it's good to hear buzzing coming from the switches when lights are on....and so much more. So slowly I'm trying to figure out what to do to remedy these things.
I remember back when my life was completely out of whack and was trying to figure out how to replicate what I was doing when I turned things around. I started going back to church...which I'm doing now so that's checked off the list. We started doing things as a family more...which I'm trying to do now so that's a work in progress. The one thing out of sync is that I was doing Weight Watchers at the time. I was in control of my body and feeling fantastic. I've heard numerous times before that if you get your body under control, everything else seems to fall into place. So that is the missing link I think. I need to get in control of my body. So, I've joined Weight Watchers again. Saturday was my first weigh in. This is my first week. So far, so good. I have been trying to contain my excitement as I don't want to get my hopes up, but then I realize that the excitement is a key part of success. I have to believe this will help my change things and get back in control or it won't work, I know myself well enough to know I'll give up if I don't have hope.
Weight Watchers will become a regular part of the blog again. And a regular part of my life again. I am truly excited to see how this not only changes my physical side, but my whole self as well. I'm hoping this will spur off getting control of my life and surroundings a little better. Here's to hoping and crossing fingers.

House Dreaming ..... again

There is this Cute Little House  for sale in a little circle across the street from the boys' school. Its small...or should I say "cozy" and kind of outdated. But all in all a pretty decent house, especially for being listed at $117,000 (and its been listed for awhile, so I bet a lower offer would be accepted). The payment on that bad boy would be like $400.
Anyway, so in my boredom what do I do? Play around with ideas to update that little house of course. There are lots of little ways to DIY a remodel for cheap. So here is what I came up with. And on the panoramic views...just move the viewing down to the middle and you will get the effect I think.....

*All pictures are taken from the listing linked above...ERA Reality Cedar City.

Before of Bathroom

And my after creation panorama style.

Kitchen Before...

And my after creation (this one ended up smaller than the before probably is, and the doorway didn't show in the panorama but you get the point).

Living Room Before

And my after creation (the grey stuff is supposed to be black...interesting how it all comes together on the panoramic).

Before bedroom/basement room

And the after. Geez this thing doesn't do colors very well..... the walls are greenish-gray...and yet again the grays are supposed to be black. And the pretty picture above the chaise is of a beautiful landscape....not the wall. Oh well. You get the point.

And who could forget the backyard of course...

I have no before to go off of, but hey this could be right :)

Ok dream time is over. All CAD designs were done on Autodesk Homestyler, its a free, web-based tool that is pretty awesome to play around with if you like that kind of thing.

Lots and Lots Going On

This has been quite the week so far in our little world. On Sunday we had our first true, blue family dinner bbq on the new grill that my dad got for Christmas. The burgers were definitely yummy. We followed that up with a fun game of Phase 10. I haven't played that game forever. Ty jumped in too and actually did pretty darn good for having been his first time. I was impressed.

via my SIL on Instagram

Monday was my nephew Jack's birthday. We all had fun eating some cake and ice cream, and watching Wreck It Ralph with him. I can't believe how big he is getting, it seems like he was just a baby not too long ago and now he's officially entered toddlerhood. He is a true blessing to our family and the cutest little guy to be around. We love you Jack!

Monday also brought on some fun times for Nate who got some woodchip pieces in his eye during school and had a sore, swollen eye. Being the awesome parent I am, I told him just to keep blinking, anything he didn't get out would just work it's way out.

The day after...

Well when Nate woke up on Tuesday, his entire eye was swollen shut. The poor kid was miserable and I figured it was probably time to break down and go see a doc. Luckily, the great Optometrist up the street had an opening so we got right in (and was able to chat with one of my good friends who I completely forgot worked there until we checked in...bonus!). It ended up Nate had a wood splinter caught in a little pocket of his eyelid, and every time he blinked it scratched his eyeball (yeah.....I felt like an awesome parent for telling him to blink more the day before). So the doc flipped his eyelid inside out and got the sliver out, then turned his eye neon so the med student and I could see the scratches on his eyeball (rub it in buddy haha). It was pretty fascinating and Nate absolutely loved all the attention he got that day.

The same day Ry had to go get his kindergarten shots and since we have been in a battle with our pediatrician over a big bill the insurance didn't cover, we haven't been in to see the doc for awhile. We were quite behind on shots.The poor guy had to get 4 of them (and 2 more in a month....and 2 more in 6 months). He was brave though, didn't even cry until the last one that is a stinger.

And then today my apartment managers called and set my yearly recert appointment (we are in a subsidized place). Last year they didn't verify income but I think they are finally starting to be more in compliance to their subsidies so this year they will be. Considering we barely squeaked by when we got in this place, I have a sneaky feeling we aren't going to qualify any longer now that I make more money. Which means we will be moving sooner than expected. Which also means I need to decide if I'm going to stay here or move to St George. But I have concerns with both options that are a pretty big deal. And to not help things at all, I browsed Craigslist and found a house that is about two blocks from the elementary that is about half a mile from my work. I could walk the kids to school then walk to work every day. The neighborhood is one of the better ones in St George as well, and I could afford the payment.

The house via Craigslist and www.advancedrealty.com

But see if I moved then I'd have to figure out what to do with the boys all summer since Nate is getting to old to go to daycare and Ty is quickly approaching that age as well. I know I could work around school schedules but its the summer that is tough.

But....if I stay in Cedar I will continue to have $400+ gas expenses a month (my gosh I wish gas prices would go down) to commute every day which seriously limits the amount of rent I can pay....which seriously limits my selection of rentals here in town.

And then I read the blog of my friend who just had a baby a monthish ago...and said baby almost died from RSV, only to find out that he has heart defects of a serious nature that have required extended stays in the hospital, life flights and surgeries.....and all of a sudden my problems seem really trivial.

I have been blessed and continue to be blessed, so I guess it's time to throw my hands up and trust that I will be taken in the direction I'm meant to go, just as I have been in the past. I just need to remember to have a little faith.