Giving me hope!

its blurry but too cute to pass up :)

So I mentioned yesterday that I was going to have ice cream last night with a friend. This friend and I happened upon each other and I think it was a blessing. Regardless of what happens with this relationship, if it stays friendly or turns into more, I truly think I was meant to meet him at this time in my life. I'm about to get all churchy...so just be warned :)

An interesting thing happened. I have been doing really good with keeping my nose clean so to speak and not giving in to temptations (bad habits) that I have really been trying to steer away from. I really do want to be able to live a clean and pure life in every way I can. So it was really interesting to me that when the ice cream mini date got closer and closer...my temptations grew stronger and stronger. Like holy cow scary stronger than ever strong and it only got worse as the date went on. When we said goodbye for the night, they decreased significantly. For some reason I was able to step outside of the situation so to speak and look at what was going on from what I can only describe as a third party point of view. I could completely see that for some reason this mini date was triggering those temptations very strongly, yet I wasn't anxious or nervous about going which is usually the triggers I fight. Quite the opposite actually, I was very much at peace. And I had a very pleasant time.

So here comes the churchy stuff. We got to know each other pretty well and he made it apparent that he doesn't like to be around the stuff that I have been trying to keep my distance from and it is a complete deal breaker for him in a relationship. Which is great for me because sometimes I need a more concrete reason to stay on the path I've chosen, and this could be a good reason. So when I was able to step away from the situation, I was able to see that if I were to give in to those temptations, I would lose any chance of having any sort of relationship beyond friends with this person. I can't help but wonder if that is exactly what Satan was trying to accomplish. I feel like he used every force possible to try to break me down. Seriously ya'll...the feelings were so strong that I felt like someone was physically pushing me. It was crazy. I think though, that I was given the chance to see the whole picture because I needed to realize that my actions could cause me to lose something very good. It also makes me pretty aware that I am going to be having daily internal battles between right and wrong. Like WW3 for the Kimmy. But I know that good can win, mostly because it really irritates me that Satan is trying to push me to do things I don't want to do. And the stubborn side of me is kicking in saying "I'll show you! I'm not going to listen to you because I know its going to down right ruin your day and thats what you get for trying to ruin my life. Jerk." Not that I'm normally a vengeful person, but it irritates me.

Now I'm not jumping to conclusions and saying that this is the man I'm destined to marry or anything, because I don't know that. But this is the first person I have dated who has the same wants and desires for their life as I do. I'm a very old fashioned girl and my values are not the same as society values these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone or think everyone should feel the same way I do by any means, its just hard in the dating scene for me since not many feel the same as I do on things. Yet he is also the first person who has the same views as I do on relationships and how to act in them. I don't think I've ever shared my laundry list with anyone but here goes. I'm bolding (is that a word? haha) the ones that I can already tell he possesses not by his words, but by his actions in just the short couple hours we spent together. And making notes. Cause I'm a dork.

Trustworthy *I think he is, however I'm stubborn and it takes me time to really know for sure
Respectful *his eyes were in direct contact with my eyes. Not once did he look down which is super rare these days in my experience
Loyal *I also think he would be loyal in a relationship...but its too soon to tell
Honest *wasn't afraid to share his opinions on anything
Good communicator *he talked alot but also asked alot of questions and listened
Good sense of humor *he makes me laugh, like a lot. Its kinda embarassing 
Likes kids *told me several stories of playing with his nieces and nephews
Wants to go to the temple *and won't settle for any less (which is why he's not married yet from what I can tell)
Is endowed *made it clear he will never break those promises he made
Doesn't cheat *he did say he would never do that, and I believe him, but it takes me time to really trust that.
Isn't addicted to porn *made it very clear that he thinks it ruins relationships and is very degrading to women
No smoking, drinking or drugs *made it very clear that he will not put up with anything of the sort
Cares about the soul, not the outward appearance *obviously...since he went on a date with me AND said he wants to do it again
Makes me feel special *seriously...I felt like we were the only people in DQ and no one else mattered. It was nice. And he didn't text once, even though I knew he was getting texted. That goes under respectful category as well.
Gentleman *opened every door for me and paid for ice cream
Supportive *I get the feeling he would be from what he says...but again too soon to tell
Kind *so very kind. dished out sincere complements that I knew without a doubt he was saying because he meant it
Playful *I think he could be...but I also think he might have been a tad nervous. But he has a good sense of humor
Can put up with me and my annoying/quirky characteristics *he made it through a mini date and expressed that he would like to get to know me better....so thats a plus. We'll see if he feels the same when he gets to know me better.

The ones that aren't bold, it takes me time to really trust that they are true. But from what he says and the way he acts (and the response I got from family/friends who know him) I have a feeling that the rest could be good as well. He is the first person EVER to have soo many of the attributes I figured I'd have to compromise on because no one possesses them anymore it seems.

Funny story....I am a nervous wreck about this dating thing. I really haven't ever done the dating thing LDS style. In previous experience, if the guy didn't try to come on to you or something comparable, he didn't like you. Thats not how it works LDS style and I'm finding I'm very insecure about that. We had a great time, he expressed that he wanted to get to know me better and go out again sometime soon, even gave me a big hug when he left. But today, I find myself wondering if he changed his mind and realized I'm a complete whack job. Do I text him? Should I wait for him to text me? Do I have to wait that standard 3 days before contact? I don't want to be stalkerish and creepy or overbearing and scare him away. But what if he is waiting for me to contact him and when I don't he thinks I am no longer interested? Am I really a complete whack job for real? I'm starting to think so. This is why I hate dating. I guess it will pay off in the end and I just need to chill out. But its REALLY hard not to have that anxiety. Bah. I cannot wait until this part of my life is done and over with.

And....as I just wrote that sentence he texted me. Hehe. I really need to chill. When I get this way...someone please slap me and bring me back to reality.

So wish me luck in this scary but kinda fun dating realm. I'm kind of looking forward to the ride, even with all the hard times that are going to come along.

Braaaainnnn Dump

I got invited to join Pinterest yesterday. I learned about it at the family reunion and was kinda curious...but after looking on it for a minute I think it could end up being very addicting. Like very...VERY addicting. That's one site I just may have to be careful with. I've only been on it for like 5 minutes to look around and am still trying to get the concept, however I'm thinking I'll like it. I'm most looking forward to being able to pin the recipes I find online to one spot so I don't have to re-search for them every time I want to make that recipe. That alone is fantastic.

I am really working hard this week to track my eating. I need to get my butt moving on the exercise and eating healthy train...so that is my goal this week. Get my butt moving eat a bit healthier. Which will not work so well tonight, since I'm having an ice cream date with a friend. But maybe that will include a walk afterwards? We shall see how that goes....

I have two tests this week. I am not a good test taker. In fact, I'm a horrid test taker and it doesn't matter how well I know the information I freeze and it all goes poof out the window as soon as I get that test in front of me. So we shall see how it goes. I don't have much hope of doing well, especially since one of the tests is in the testing center at the university and that place just seems like a dungeon of unhappiness and doom.

I'm about fed up with trying to get certain little boys to do their homework. Luckily Nate joined the homework club at school, so his mostly gets done at school. Tyler, however, has issues with homework. I can see that we will have a constant battle every day of his school career with this. And if he is struggling with writing his letters 5 times, I can only imagine what its going to be like when he has to write a 10 page essay on something boring. Heaven help us all, I hope he gets in the habit soon. Else wise, I just might go crazy.

I am also trying to give myself positive affirmations every day. I'm hoping this will help my mood and my attitude towards myself. Its hard, and I don't know that I always believe my affirmations. However I know that I need to find a way to raise my self esteem and confidence so I know how to give my kids that same gift. Right now theirs is waning a little bit, and I don't know how to bolster them up. I'm hoping if I can be a guinea pig and practice what I preach, maybe they will catch on too. Any advice in this area would be much welcomed!

Vegas Baby!

This weekend we headed out to the wonderful sin city...Las Vegas! Could we have made the guys in The Hangover I and II jealous of our good time? Not so much. However It was actually a very pleasant trip. My cousin Taylor is leaving on his mission for the LDS church so we went down for his farewell. Saturday we got there in time to stop and eat lunch. My dad chose Wendy's, and its one that will stay on my list of where not to eat (at that establishment anyway) ever again. The kids meals didn't come with Frosty's (seriously?!) but a coupon booklet was bought for a $1 that gave us 5 free Frosty's. Only problem, you can only use the coupon in Las Vegas or Texas. Kinda irritating. But what made me ban that establishment from the books forever? Weird creepy guy who was being "helpful" as my mom says. It was more like telling all the kids what to do and not to do and touching them. Was it in a pervy way? Not outwardly, however when a complete stranger who is already creeping me out touches my kids at all...I kind of want to knock him out. I refrained but it was hard. So if your in Vegas, avoid the Wendys that's on Nellis.

Speaking of Nellis...as we were driving past Nellis AFB we got to witness a jet landing RIGHT NEXT TO OUR CAR. Yes that was awesome. It obviously was going faster than us, but it was right there on a landing strip right next to the road. The boys were in heaven. And I kinda was too.

Anyway. after that we drove around to find a park for me and the kids to play in while everyone else went to the temple with Taylor. After some playing, we headed to the mall with Betsy and Jack then back to the temple to wait for the family.
The littlest ones were sleeping in my car, so I sat in the parking lot while the older ones and Betsy went in the atrium and such. I had a moment...one of those "why are you being soo stupid with your life when you know what you want?" moments. Not that I haven't improved significantly, I can admit to that. But I still have some work to do before I can enjoy the blessings of the temple. Oh...and that husband factor. It was a somber moment to say the least, but a hopeful one too.

We then had a family caravan to the hotel. It was really a nice place. We did some shopping for forgotten stuff at a Target that was close and then went to Olive Garden for dinner. Can I just say....I was absolutely appalled. It must have been prom night, or something of that sort as there were a whole ton of youngesters there in suits and dresses. If you could call them dresses.

a less skimpy version



Seriously, if I were to try to google a picture of some of the dresses, I'd have to search stripper dresses. It was horrible. Literally...when I searched prom dressese this was as close as it came to finding similiar styles. And the above is modest compared to what they were wearing. One of the parties of girls were sitting outside and all of a sudden the girl in the worst dress says "My mom is here! Let's go!" I was astonished. Her MOM let her out like that? And given the fact her MOM was picking the group up, they were definitely younger than 16...Eesh. Thats teen pregnancy waiting to happen. I've always wanted a girl but this experience made me REALLY happy to have all boys.

Anyway. Dinner was delightful as always, I love Olive Garden. We then went back and I let the boys swim for the remaining hour the pool was open. They loved it, especially spending time with their cousins who also were swimming.

In the morning we went swimming again as promised and headed off to church. I love going to church outside of Utah. The wards are soo much more tight knit. And they sing! My ward probably doubles that ward in size, and you could almost hear a pin drop during the hymns. However...this ward (and I noticed this in CA as well) sang their hearts out and it was absolutely beautiful. It makes me wish that I didn't live in a state where the religion is so predominant, because there truly are gazillions of "Utah Mormons" that two faced, back stabbing people who think they are better than everyone else. Drives me nuts. Anyway. Taylor gave a great talk and the other talks of the day were fantastic as well.

Lunch was at an absolutely AMAZING house. Would've taken pictures, but that might be seen as a bit creepy. But believe me it was. I loved that house. The food was great as well, and we had a great time being able to catch up with family and just spend time together. 

So the weekend in Vegas may not compare to The Hangover...but I think it was even better. Lots of great memories with a fantastic family is always a good time. I had pictures, but my phone is being retarded and I've having issues getting them to my email. So maybe later I'll post them. If I remember. Have a good day ya'll!

Fall!

Our pumpkins!

I'm soo excited that the fall season is coming upon us, I love the fall. The trees are beautiful and we are quickly approaching my favorite holidays of the year. Albeit the most expensive ones too, but still my favorite. They are all centered around family and I absolutely love it. We grew pumpkins (I should say...we planted them but Grandpa and Grandma get credit for watering them) and they look fantastic! I have little faith in things I plant growing, because I do not have a green thumb. I have a black thumb of death. However, these are growing fantastic. The boys can't wait to carve them come Halloween time and I got to say I'm kind of excited to as well. I think things are finally starting to feel less stressful and its great. And the weekend is here! Tomorrow we are headed to Vegas to my cousin's farewell weekend. I am thrilled to be able to go and support him while he goes out on his mission. I also can't wait to go spend some time at the temple down there. I love the feeling that the temple brings and it reminds me of how much I need to get my butt moving so I can go there someday as well.
Ryder is definitely starting to feel better and I think he's looking forward to being able to go back to daycare on Monday. He was quite the whiney boy this morning when he couldn't go with his brothers to school and while we were waiting for Grandpa to come home. However, he loves his Grandpa and loves spending time with him, so I hope the day goes well.
So I hope ya'll have a great weekend!

Hand, Foot and Mouth

The nastiness

So not 15 minutes after I dropped off Ryder at daycare, I got a call from daycare asking me to come get him. He has gotten the Hand, Foot and Mouth Disesase that has been going through daycare. He has a couple little bumps on his fingers, his bum got it pretty bad, and his face. The worst place has been on his tongue. Poor kid looks like he has ginormous canker sores all along the edges. Needless to say, it has been a long day. He isn't cleared to go back to daycare until Monday either, so its also going to be a long rest of the week with lots of creative babysitting that makes me feel horrible for inconvienencing people (namely mom and dad) and I feel like I should just take the rest of the week off from work, but know I can't. Its frustrating. Nows another example of when having a spouse would be great. But....onward and upward we go. I just hope he stops the whining soon...its getting really tiring. I know...bad mom moment.

Happy Birthday Bud

Today is Ryders birthday. It is really wierd to think that in one more year, he will be going to kindergarten. My boys are growing up way too fast for my liking. I have no clue what we are doing today, but I know it includes pizza, cake and ice cream. We will see what happens from there.
Updates about him...
No idea what he weighs, prob around 30 lbs
No idea what his height is
(yes I'm a bad mom)
He is doing MUCH better at potty training, still has accidents here and there but pullups are only reserved for night time use now. And church use, since he doesn't like to go at church. Baby steps.
He is doing fantastic at throwing tantrums. He has this down to an art.
He is loveable, huggable, kissable....everything a kid should be
He loves sausage pizza and slurpees, but donuts are his favorite treat ever
He LOVES reading more than any other activity. I love that he enjoys this so much
He can't wait to go to school like his brothers.
He has a good sense of humor and a laugh that is definitely contagious

*Sad but funny story about my little lovey....

For the last couple months, anytime when we go into stores, he will point to guys and announce VERY loudly "You are my daddy!" I'm not sure how he chooses these guys, because its not every guy that this happens with, he's selective. And watching the faces of these guys is kind of funny. The faces of their girlfriends/wives is even better most times. It is kind of sad and makes me feel bad, but it sure is funny sometimes too.

So buddy...happy birthday. Your no longer my baby, age wise, but your always going to be my baby. Love you bud.

Thoughts

source: La Belle Dame

This weekend was a bit of a thinker for me....I had alot of emotion pass through me. Alot of it rather personal, more so than I want to share on here...but will probably go into on Grayson's blog. Either way, I have a whole lot to think about and a lot of things I'm planning on re-vamping in my parenting style to give my kids the best chance possible. I feel like I've failed them alot, but am working on that and we are going to make some big changes, some of which we have already started. Some of which I need to work on personally, so that I can be a better mother and person.
On a side note, I also made a decision on the big secretive stuff going on...which was a career change for me and a mighty big one at that. One that would've affected my ability to finish schooling on one hand, and one that had potential but would've hurt my family financially had I taken it. I can only hope and pray my decision is the right one for me and my family, but its the one that feels the best so I have to listen to those promptings and have faith I made the right decision.
Have a good Monday all...and a great week.

Studying Abroad



Ahhh the lovely Ireland

 One of my required courses in college is an Experimental Education course where you look into different "engagements" and explore the options that are open to you. As part of the overall points (....this course has 3 parts that run your entire schooling career) you have to plan, propose, and follow through with an idea. It could be something local or you could get really brave and go elsewhere.But, you have no direction. No rules. You have to decide. So to get started, the instructors what you to become familiar with whats available to you. So they have these "engagements" that you study one at a time. The first one unlocked today and it is the Global Engagement Module. In this module, you have to study the options that are available....you guessed it....globally. As I was researching, I couldn't help but feel a little sting of pain that I will most likely never get to experience going international.
I had the opportunity to do European tour as part of the Ambassadors of Music that I got nominated into in high school. That would've been my dream. The summer before my senior year, I attended the big announcement of that tour and I was determined to come up with the $1200(ish...can't remember exactly) to be able to go. However...that is also the summer I stupidly got pregnant and missed my senior year, graduating early at the adult education school. Obviously, international travel is frowned upon when pregnant, so that was a dream that flew away.
Do I resent having kids? Not in the least. I love my kids more than anything and I wouldn't trade them for the world. However, there are times that I wonder how my life would've been different had I followed the more "normal" path of life that one generally leads. What would've happened had I gone to Europe? How would my life be different had I gotten to attend my senior year? I missed out on prom, and pretty much every other formal dance during school. I missed the senior trip, painting the C, and loads of other fun stuff that happens when your a senior. I missed being a giddy little freshman at a new school experiencing "grown up" time and responsibilities. I also missed a missionary who I had written while he was on his mission...and who had come to see me when he returned home. Of course by then, I was married and had a baby. What would my life be like now had all of that worked differently than it did?
This brings me to studying abroad. As I mentioned before, a big part of this course is planning and actually accomplishing a goal. Which means that the resources for students who choose to plan their project under the Global Engagement Center are opened up and they will have the opportunities to complete their project. Some have gone to China to teach english, some to Africa for humanitarian services. Some just simply study a semester in another country for the learning and growth that it would bring to them personally. As I looked at the list of countries and universities that were partnered with SUU, that sinking feeling of what if came rolling back. What if I had waited on marriage and kids? What if I was just single little me with not a care in the world? I would totally be able to fulfill my dream of going abroad. One of the major universities that is partnered up is in Ireland. Can I just say that Ireland is one of my top 5 places to visit before I die? Another is in France. Yet another of my top 5 places to visit. And another? Italy. One of my top 3 places to visit before I die. I am feeling the ache of accepting the consequences of my actions.
Are those consequences for the most part wonderful and amazing? Of course...my kids are the highlight of my day every single day. I miss them like crazy while I'm working and can't wait to see them afterwards...even if they do drive me crazy alot of the time. However...being responsible for their care and well-being prevents me from being able to just pick up and leave....so when opportunities like this are dangled in front of me I can't help but feel a little twinge of ache for what may have been. 

A debacle

I now have 3 choices to choose from. Still keeping this on the down low for a minute, but I'm really getting kinda stressed about what to do and need a venting session. Email me if you are curious and I will explain in more detail.
Anywho....I'm learning that with change will come sacrifices. Whether that be time, emotion, money, etc....I'm finding out that no matter what I'm going to have to sacrifice something. What exactly that is I will have to decide. And its a scary decision.
What to do, what to do..............

Another Economics Lesson

This economics business is rather interesting to me, I must say. The thought has crossed my mind a time or two if I should switch majors (again) and pursue that route. Then I realize the hassle and think better of it. But who knows. Anyway. The lesson for today....
Supply and Demand. It is rather interesting to me how supply and demand works. On the basic Marshallian Theory with which the country runs, the price and output of a product is based on both supply and demand. So when a company launches a product and set the price, that price will either go up or down based on the demand. A good example is sports events. When a team is doing great, more people are willing to pay money to see the team play so prices of tickets will go up. If the team sucks it up consistantly, then the price of tickets will go down.
There is also the case of complementing companies like Pepsi and Coke. They are pretty even kill, so if Pepsi raises their price, the demand for Coke will raise. Because of this, the prices are generally the same or pretty comparable because neither company wants to lose their market to the competitor.
What got me thinking about this was the big Target launching Missoni debacle. My guess would be that Target was wanting to increase its profit, so they partnered up with Missoni to offer this generally VERY expensive designer line at a much lower price which in turn increases profit. However...they weren't prepared for the demand of the product. There was such a demand that their website got shut down within 3 hours and was out of service for much of the day. And the stock was completely sold out. Could they have prepared for that? Probably not...at least I can't think of a way. And maybe thats what they were going for but wow. Talk about VERY unhappy people.

Anyway...very interesting how that works. So when you see something go on sale or lower prices, you can almost always bet that the company assumed the demand would be higher than it was. How marketing comes into play is very interesting too...but thats for another.

Ok class is out folks...hope you learned something good!

I've become smart!

So I gave in yesterday after dropping my phone for the bajillionth time and breaking almost everything on it (its a cheap phone), and got a smart phone. Its nothing name brand, just a cheapy LG Optimus. But I love it. I felt not so smart when I got it and couldn't even find the ringers....but after playing with it for awhile I've figured it out! I still can't find the alarm though....
Anyway. The apps it has are awesome. One I downloaded was the CalorieCount.com tracker. I'm excited to use it as my mom has been and says great things about it. And I got my first experience with Angry Birds. Its kind of addicting. And hilarious. Its going to take awhile to get used to the touch screen, but I think it will be good. I'm rather excited for it. The plus side as well is that to add the data was only $10/mo which is pretty cheap compared to other companies from what I've heard. So I can officially say now...I'm smart! :)

Remembering



source: google images

 As soo many people do, I remember where I was when the tragic events of 9/11 happened. I was in science class and remember being really irritated that my teacher wouldn't turn on the news and let us watch. In fact, not many of my teachers let us at all throughout the day. I don't know if it was because they were trying to protect us, or just didn't want their plans interrupted. So that day, I didn't get the gravity of the situation. I saw all the pictures, read the papers, watched the news, saw the horrific images and such for weeks afterwards...but really just didn't get the gravity of the situation. I knew it was sad and I knew it was horrible, but it didn't have a profound effect on me. Maybe because I was soo young to truly understand? I don't know.

Yesterday I realized the gravity. My heart ached for those people who lost husbands and wives, daddies and mommas, sons and daughters, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins....their loved ones. It made my heart ache for the heroes who had to witness the death and destruction that was caused that day and risked their own lives to try and save others, or find those lost among the rubble. Many now have scars both on the outside and deep within from that day which will never go away. I'm not a highly emotional person by any means, but I definitely couldn't stop myself from tearing up a little remembering the pain and suffering that one event caused for our entire nation.

My only gripe for the day is certain pictures. They are all painful to see, however the images I have the hardest time with are those of people falling out of the buildings. I cannot look at those. I wish that whomever was the editors of those papers, magazines, etc would've taken into account that those are PEOPLE, not just some object to make money. Those people were in their final moments of life and were shown no reverence whatsoever. I know they defended themselves by saying they felt America needed to see them to really understand, however it wasn't their daddy or husband or son that was now plastered everywhere falling to his death. As one said last night, he felt showing one picture in particular of a single man falling really "encompassed how America was feeling after the tragic events." I'm pretty sure that ALL of the pictures and videos taken at that time encompassed how America was feeling. Makes me sad for the families that had to see their loved ones' last moments of life like that.  

However, life does go on. We are rebuilding as a nation, and the tragic events of 9/11 briefly brought this country together and made us all remember what is most important to us. It made me want to forget my stupid, petty issues and realize just how lucky I have it. I am very blessed and tend to forget that alot. So my heart goes out to those who were lost that day, the families and friends of those who were lost and the heroes that risked everything that day. It truly was a day that changed history that I know I will never forget.

Duurrrrr

OK so Its Friday and I don't really have much to say other than....Hi. So lets get a snapshot of a Kimmeh head shall we? Here we go. In no particular order.....

-I am hungry. Like... tummy grumbling hungry and I'm looking forward to dinner, whatever that may be. I didn't plan menus this week, so I think I have sloppy joes and hamburger helper to choose from. Or mac and cheese. Or...smores....hehe. What I am not looking forward to? At least one child saying "I don't like that! I'm not going to eat!" which is a daily occurrence at our house whether it's chicken or burgers or pizza or whatever.

-I will be happy if I manage to pass my Accounting class. No high expectations here...I'll be content with C. The concepts aren't hard, the way the teacher teaches them is hard. The chapters are a million (ok 60 but still!) pages long and really hard to focus on. And is it just me or is EVERYTHING backwards? Debit means you add to something? Credit means you take something away? I'm thinking I need to read that chapter again.....

-Debates on what the best route for my financial future are going to be are happening constantly. Do I stay? Do I go? Pros and Cons....will I regret my decision later? Will I be able to handle my decision once it's made? Bahhhhhhhh

-Self confidence is dropping...fat thoughts emerging....thinking I'm not okay or people won't like me because of the chub factor....I need to get back to that losing weight thing. More specifically...the exercise thing. I've prepared myself and have a plan, I just need to start doing it. Come oooonnnnnnnn motivation. Time to kick it in gear.

*Ok these next ones were in particular order...funny how my thoughts evolve from one subject to something completely different...

-Starting to come to the realization that I may not find the love of my life in my first semester of school as I would've hoped. Dang. Guess I've got to be a little more patient and faithful in the master plan of my love life, whatever that may be.

-Speaking of master plans...holy moly I watched The Adjustment Bureau a couple weeks ago and WOW! I love it. Love love love it. I would recommend it to anyone who is thinkin they want to watch a fairly intense but very interesting movie that will make you think and make you want to punch some people. But don't really punch anyone.

-And speaking of other movies...I'm finding that I'm having a hard time convincing myself to watch some of my favorites like P.S. I Love You and Dear John (I know that movie got alot of grief, but I truly do love it). Like, no desire at all. Either I'm becoming uber depressed at the thought of watching lovey dovey people or its possible I'm getting over my fantasies of finding a prince charming who is sweet and caring and kind and and and....   Either way...the desire is there no longer. Which is sad...because I love those movies.



-Its the weekend....Yay!



-I'm still hungry....

And finally a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister...I rarely remember birthdays but facebook saved me today. I apologize to all those I forgot...but I do have to give a shout out to my sister because she's one of the main reasons that I keep up this blog. It keeps them in the loop of whats going on here and helps me feel closer to her as well.

Fatness

So last night I was watching Dateline's Extraordinary Families and this episode was about people with eating issues. Compulsive eating, bulemia, you name it...on both ends of the spectrum. As I sat there watching it (with my bag of chips being munched on beside me) It was rather insightful and made me really think about the way I eat and WHY I eat. One of the researchers on there made a good point that people with issues aren't loading up on broccoli or apples, they are loading up on the highly processed foods that are really unhealthy but sooo addictive. They also were researching whether or not you can have a food addiction. My opinion is yes. After some research and medical tests, their opinion was yes as well. Something literally goes on in the brain when these addictive foods are being eaten. But how do you kick it? No addiction is easy to kick. But it's easier (to a point) to say "Ok I'm going to stop drinking alcohol now. I will stop buying it, going out, being around it, etc" and do what you can to stick with it. However you can't say "I'm going to stop eating food." Ya kinda need the stuff to survive. Shocking, I know. But its true. So you have to have the discipline to force yourself not to eat that junk, and its hard. However...it can be done. It happens every day. But.....the above poster is true as well. I can come up with some good excuses.....believe me. Which is exactly why I was eating some chips while watching TV last night instead of exercising. Yup.
So the point to my rant? I wish I was a naturally skinny girly with the metabolism of a....hummingbird maybe? Its the best thing I could think of shhhhh. However....I'm not. I'm one of the lucky (sense the sarcasm......) girls who has the metabolism of an elephant. Or whale. Or something with a slow metabolism. However....I can't keep using that excuse. I need to get my butt moving and just get it done. Force myself into better habits so I can be around to play with grandkids. And I can do it. Just got to find that one thing that works for me. We shall see.

*In other news....I have an exciting event happening today in relation to the super secret possibly good stuff going on. Give me good karma....and hopefully I can tell ya'll about it soon!

A Brain Dump and the Gurgles

*It's kinda funny to me how I can tell the most subtle changes that are occuring within myself. Its more of that growing up stuff I think. I don't know what it was about moving into the new house, but I've never had more of a desire to make sure my house is clean and dishes are done. Add in laundry to that. Instead of having the mindset of "Ah I'll do it later" I actually do stuff as it comes up. Maybe its because this house isn't as overwhelming as the other place was (size wise) but I like to chalk it up to me growing up a little.
*Along with the adult growing up....I've been having AHA moments left and right with my money. I tend to be an impulse buyer. I'll tell my kids that we don't have enough money to spend on a pizza one night, however a couple nights later I will be lazy and get take out, even though I really don't have the money. I didn't realize until recently that I'm a walking contradiction. And being a bad example to my kids. What am I teaching them? I am slowly changing my ways which will also bring on a fiscal fast pretty soon just to be able to get myself back in check.
*I am wondering what my body is up to. The plus side...I've lost probably 5 lbs in the last 2 days. The downside, that is because I haven't been able to eat much and what I do eat doesn't stay in my body long. I thought it was getting better last night, however I woke up this morning to gurgly tummy that I'm hoping goes away soon...but its sure making me not want to eat. Or do much of anything else sadly. I can't help but wonder if it is something I caught from my kids who were all sick last week, or a side affect of dehydration, or some funky bacteria that may or may not have been in the pool/hot tub at the hotel. For some reason I've been thinking about that the last day or two....hmmmmmm.
*Nate has been struggling AGAIN with school. His report card showed mostly N's which are the 3rd grade equivilant to an F. The plus side, he is doing well on his bell work. But that is the only thing. We do homework at home, and try to read every night, however he doesn't get his homework to his teacher. I need to come up with something that will show him the importance of turning in his work, especially when the majority of the time its done. If anyone has suggestions....please send them my way!
*Tyler has been struggling with just about everything. I don't remember Nate ever going through such a defiant stage. I ask him to do ANYTHING and he is too tired, or doesn't feel like it. No matter what I say or do he isn't changing his attitude. Again...some help here would be nice if anyone has experienced this before! I've tried everything and most nights end up tearful for both him and I. I just don't know whats going on with him, but I need to figure it out soon.
*I've been considering counseling for the older kids. I always thought they were adjusting well, however I'm starting to see a decline in both and wonder if they might benefit from having someone to talk to. Maybe their lack of will to do anything is related to such? I dunno. Either way, I'm worried about both of them and hope we can find something that will help them out soon.

Okie Dokie I think thats all for today. Have a good one ya'll :)

Labor Day Adventures

This weekend we had our annual Cowley Family Reunion and it was fantastic. The boys and I debated what to make for our portion of the menu and decided on Chinese Chicken Salad from the Hungry Girl site. I kept feeling like it was missing something, but all in all it was pretty tasty. We also made some Better Than Rice Krispy Treats-Peanut Butter Style that I found on my friend Michelle's blog Loving Every Second (she does a whole ton of fun and easy crafts and recipes there). I think they turned out pretty tasty if I do say so, and they were completely got at the end of the day so thats a good sign too.


The deliciousness

We ended up staying at the Day's Inn in Richfield and it was different. Our room kind of smelled like an old person house but otherwise, it wasn't too bad. However, when we went swimming I decided that they must put something in the water to make it look blue, because when we dived down with goggles on you couldn't see your hand in front of you. That was kind of disgusting. And then the hot tub. Ohhhhh the hot tub. Ry has this big fear of anything on the sides of a pool/hot tub (filters, jets, you name it) and I learned this weekend its for good reason. We were chilling in the hot tub and he was fearful so I scooted over to be in front of some intake thing....and got sucked in. I figured it was just a fluke so I didn't really mention it to anyone, however I also didn't let my kids near it just in case. Well the next day we found out that the son of some friends that had come along had also got sucked into the intake. Except that he ended up with a HUGE hickey looking thing that had swollen up and such. I felt horrible for him, as it looked like it had to hurt. So Day's Inn in Richfield...throw some air freshners in your rooms and please put a cover on your intake thing in the hot tub. Thats a lawsuit waiting to happen. We did have great dinner of sloppy joes and tasty sides as well. Then afterwards we had a very insightful talk in relation to redundancy. The sister in laws and myself were in charge of games (although they did all the work I think) and they were sure fun...at least to watch. I think everyone else had fun too though. Then we got a fire going and the kids roasted marshmellows.

Saturday we woke up to some very tasty biscuits and gravy and then headed out to the hills. My brother successfully scared the bejeezies out of myself and his wife by going up and down the steepest slopes he could. It was good fun. Then we got to the place where we ended up going repelling. It was a good spot, however climbing up that mountain was not so good. The bottom part was great, but there was a part that was steep and straight up. Like you were literally climbing the side of the mountain to get up to the top as if you were a mountain climber (this was before some brilliant soul discovered an easier path...just my luck). I would've taken a picture, however I had an immense fear that I would fall to my death if I took my hands off the wall. I've decided getting older makes you more aware of these things, because in my younger years I would've just hopped, skipped and jumped up that rock. Doesn't help I'm WAY more out of shape now as well. I'll get to that later though.

I did finally get to the top after some reassurance from one of my cousins who was headed up behind me and got set to go down. Tyler and Ryder had both already been at the top for quite some time (I'm really curious how they got up, but I'm happy I wasn't with them or I would've been freaking out a little I'm sure) and I was going to try to go down tandem with one of them, but our friend Jason requested I try going down alone first, since it had been since my teenager years that I had done this last. And that was for good reason. I did good at first, however then I lost control of the rope and just kinda swung around until I finally reached the bottom.

Everyone had quite the unique styles of coming down from little twinkle toe jumps to hanging upside down...to the one brave soul who went commando (front first) and I think that girl is a superstar just FYI. The boys all chickened out except for Ryder...I'm still laughing that the youngest of the 3 is the only one who would take the plunge. And he absolutely LOVED it. He is going to be my daredevil kid I think. After everyone was done, we went down to the Rotary Park and ate lunch together then departed for home.
There were a couple family members missing from the group and we sure missed everyone that couldn't make it, hopefully next year we will be able to get together again and include some of those that were missing this time.

It really was such a fun time, however I'm pretty sure that I got some sort of heat exhaustion since I ended up with a pounding headache and just kind of wanted to puke all afternoon. But after a quick dinner and some showers for all around, the kids and I all headed to bed at like 8:00 pm which is fairly standard for them, but not so standard for me. The sleep did me good though. I'm still not feeling fantastic, but the headache is gone and I'm good for the day.

I learned alot about myself this weekend. Some good, some bad. I'm sure I'll go into it during another post, some other time.

So without further ado, a couple pictures from the repelling adventure! I hope everyone had a great weekend!

This is the bottom of hte mountain...looking up to where we were going to repel from.

This is the view from the top...kinda scary for sure.



I really need a better camera than my phone. But this is Ryder and my cousins husband Brandon coming down the mountain.




This is me swinging down with my brother Scott belaying for me and Nate "assisting"



More economics relating to life

I am finding with this economics class I'm taking it forces me to open my eyes and take a good look at how I behave. A common trait among most people in society is that we fall into patterns. In general, people are over-confident. Not in the way you would think, but in decision making. If something is failing, most people have a hard time looking objectively at the situation and trying to figure out why they failed because "it wasn't my fault! it was his fault!" (as my professor says). So instead of breaking down the situation and figuring out how things went wrong so that in the future it doesn't happen again, people tend to repeat over and over that failed mistake or something like unto it so that they don't have to take responsibility. No one likes being wrong, its just human nature. And thats true. How many times have I been irritated at something and I'm soo mad at someone else but really, I need to be looking at my share of the responsibility as well and what I can do to change it in the future.
So in looking at my own life, I need to make some changes. With school, work and trying to be a mom all happening in one shot PLUS all the outside stuff going on (a.k.a the divorce stress, losing weight, relationships or lack there of in my case, etc) how am I going to not fail? I'm really good at getting organized and structured, but not so good at following through on what I set up. So last night I really sat down and wrote out my thoughts and a plan because if I don't get something going, being overwhelmed is going to make me shut down in all areas and fail.
Now, I have a plan. My focus for the next 4 months is going to be very guided. At work, I will not focus on school matters. At school, I will not focus on work matters. At home, I will give my boys the time they need and reserve the time after they go to bed to do my homework. But its got to be planned. I have set up a To Do list every day (at least for the next week or so to start) and I will work on accomplishing these tasks every day. I'm going to be more involved in what my kids are doing in school by sitting down with them each night and going through their backpack and doing homework/reading. We are going to sit down each night at the table for dinner and talk about our day. Bedtime routines will not be crowded out by me trying to do 20 things at once. I've laid it all out so I know what I need to get done each day and I think that it will truly help me not repeat the mistakes I made last time I attempted school, and will make it so that I don't fall back into bad habits to deal with stress and anxiety. I've worked too hard to turn my life around, I can't afford to fall back into old tendancies. And I'm going to quit focusing on the dang relationship aspect. Its weighing me down and I know I just need to have faith that when the time is right, things will fall into place.
Heres to hoping that this will all work!