I know I know...I'm being all EMO

I'm sorry...this is more blah blah I'm having issues and such that you've already heard about a million times so bear with me, but writing is very theraputic so you get to hear all about it.

I've been having a struggle as to whether or not my life is headed down the right path or not. Previously, life was easy. I obviously had some of the worries that every person has...money, screwing kids up for life, etc. But beyond the normal stuff I was fine. I felt hope that I'd find someone nice to be with because my choices weren't super limited, I just needed to sift through the losers to find a good one. However I was a crappy mom, daughter, sister, family member, friend, etc. I know this...and thats what prompted me to make changes. I was tired of constantly feeling like I was a let down.

Now...I have made the changes that I feel needed to be made in order for me to feel like I'm becoming a better person, but I guess I'm starting to feel the consequences maybe? I feel better as a person, but I realize that I have given a HUGE disservce to my kids and I've been a crappy mom. I want my kids to be respectful, honest little gentlemen. But I don't know what to do to teach them those principles. I can lecture and lecture....but how do you teach them? Don't get me wrong, I love my boys with all my heart and I do feel like they are good kids. However they are all exhibiting signs of naughty deeds that I know are directly related to the fact that I've been a crappy mom in some areas. The most recent....Tyler sending a not nice text to his cousin then lying straight to my face (and everyone elses) about it up until the time when his cousin let me know it was him. Seriously? How do I teach him that lying is not okay? I've told him numerous times...and ironically they had learned about it in primary that day too. Yet he still did it. What do I do?

The other area I'm struggling in is the man thing. I know I know....ya'll are tired of hearing about it. But seriously....things like the kids being naughty makes me realize even more that they need a man in their lives. They need someone to show them how they need to treat women. They need a strong hand. Beyond that, I'm lonely. And seriously? I feel hopeless that there is anyone out there for me. I'm having to be more selective. If I want to get married in the temple, then the person has to be LDS. 90% of LDS guys get married directly off their mission, and the divorce rate within the religion is pretty low. So the guys left who are my age or older are generally either very odd and quirky, two faced, complete jerks, or get swiped up as soon as they hit the market again. But...there are several very good guys out there who are of different religions who are awesome awesome people. I've met loads of them that I would love to date. However...they are not LDS. And really? Who is really gonna want to take on this emo mess girl and her 3 emo mess boys who are wanting a loving, kind dad soo much that they can barely contain themselves?

So...is this particular religious path I'm on worth it? I'm not sure anymore. My life is a daily struggle now. There isn't a day goes by that I'm not fighting off something...whether it be a craving, a desire to go hang out with my old friends who I miss like crazy, taking up offers of a date with guys not LDS, struggling with my kids and how to raise them since I'm not doing a great job and truly don't know how to improve....the daily bouts of loneliness and feelings of inadequecy in every aspect of my life right now just add to that battle. Is this really how I'm going to choose to live the rest of my life, struggling EVERY DAY to find some sort of peace or happiness...or something? Anything? Sigh....lets hope now that its all off my chest I can have a good week yeah?

*And as I'm finishing this post....Come Thou Fount starts playing on my Pandora and makes me want to cry (filled with spirit cry)....that helps me know that I think I'm headed the right direction maybe I just need to pray for some reassurance....

Braaaainnnn Dump

I got invited to join Pinterest yesterday. I learned about it at the family reunion and was kinda curious...but after looking on it for a minute I think it could end up being very addicting. Like very...VERY addicting. That's one site I just may have to be careful with. I've only been on it for like 5 minutes to look around and am still trying to get the concept, however I'm thinking I'll like it. I'm most looking forward to being able to pin the recipes I find online to one spot so I don't have to re-search for them every time I want to make that recipe. That alone is fantastic.

I am really working hard this week to track my eating. I need to get my butt moving on the exercise and eating healthy train...so that is my goal this week. Get my butt moving eat a bit healthier. Which will not work so well tonight, since I'm having an ice cream date with a friend. But maybe that will include a walk afterwards? We shall see how that goes....

I have two tests this week. I am not a good test taker. In fact, I'm a horrid test taker and it doesn't matter how well I know the information I freeze and it all goes poof out the window as soon as I get that test in front of me. So we shall see how it goes. I don't have much hope of doing well, especially since one of the tests is in the testing center at the university and that place just seems like a dungeon of unhappiness and doom.

I'm about fed up with trying to get certain little boys to do their homework. Luckily Nate joined the homework club at school, so his mostly gets done at school. Tyler, however, has issues with homework. I can see that we will have a constant battle every day of his school career with this. And if he is struggling with writing his letters 5 times, I can only imagine what its going to be like when he has to write a 10 page essay on something boring. Heaven help us all, I hope he gets in the habit soon. Else wise, I just might go crazy.

I am also trying to give myself positive affirmations every day. I'm hoping this will help my mood and my attitude towards myself. Its hard, and I don't know that I always believe my affirmations. However I know that I need to find a way to raise my self esteem and confidence so I know how to give my kids that same gift. Right now theirs is waning a little bit, and I don't know how to bolster them up. I'm hoping if I can be a guinea pig and practice what I preach, maybe they will catch on too. Any advice in this area would be much welcomed!

Brain Dump

Sometimes...you just need to not worry about whats being said or how random it is and just type whats on your mind so thats what I'm doing.

I'm excited for this weekend. I'm unsure what my weigh in is going to bring, since it seems when I do great I fail, and when I do not so great I fail...so we shall see. But I am getting excited for the 5k. And scared. Scared to death because I want to do good but I'm afraid to fail. I know I'm going to push myself and I want to be able to jog the whole thing but I'm going to have to use a whole lot of ice afterwards I think. But I really want to be able to say I did my very best and I pushed myself hard. I want to earn it. 

I've also been doubting the program which is bad. Because like I said, I seem to have fantastic weeks and I have a bad weigh in. Then of course not so fantastic weeks and another bad weigh in. I know my body is adjusting and muscle is forming and all that jazz...but it makes it very frustrating when you work hard and nothing comes of it. And as I'm writing this I feel like a hypocrite because I could've pushed myself harder and didn't. But I did make a valid effort. I should've seen something positive come from it you would think.

On the job front I wasn't nervous...until recently. As many know..the funding for my position has been cut completely out of the FY2011 budget. Thank you congress and Obama. Way to kick the little people while they are down. And ironically...in FY2012, they want to put the funding back in budget AND increase the amount. But for one year...families have to suffer and rescue scams will become record high. My boss is working diligently to find funding to keep me on at least for that year so we can re-apply for funding next year, and I'm applying for all sorts of grants from every business, bank, and foundation I can find who need to use CR money. But thats not a guarantee. I know I have a job for at least a couple more months thankfully, but who knows past there. Its a frustrating spot to be in, just because I don't know if I should be trying to apply for other jobs or just stick it out here. I really like my job and I really want to stay here. But I need to be able to take care of my family as well. Its a hard position to be in.

The legal paperwork has been served. That means come June 3, unless the ex disputes anything....this whole legal battle will come to an end. This makes me soooo happy. I will be grateful when I can recieve child support, because it could definitely help my cause a lot. That extra income will be nice. And the fact that we are re-arranging the custody and the visitation stuff, the boys will be much happier and hopefully we won't have to negotiate anymore on when they will be going with their dad. Makes me feel bad that they have to learn how to negotiate the time with their dad. But its coming to an end. I feel good about that. I just hope he actually pays the child support and doesn't job hop to avoid it.

I've decided that on the religious front, Satan works really hard on me. Like really hard. I come sooo very close to being able to resolve all my issues and get straight again, and he steps in to put doubt in my mind. "How do you know this is the right path for you? What if you make the sacrifices you need to make to follow this gospel and in the end its not true? Then where will you be? Lonely and friendless and depressed? Again? Is that how you want to live your life? If you have doubts about the truth of it, why even try to live it?"
These thoughts run through my head constantly, but even more so when I'm doing anything church centered. It makes the tasks extremely difficult and it does put a whole lot of doubt in my heart and mind. I do remember a scripture saying that as soon as I give my heart to Him, the difficulty will go away. I feel like thats true, but I don't have alot of faith in anything really, and I don't have alot of trust in anything. This has been a hard path for me. I don't know why and I know I make it 20 times harder than it needs to be.

Thats my brain dump for the day. All my thoughts and feelings of the day. And on that note...I hope ya'll have a good weekend. I'm going to be doing business expo then weigh in then 5k then more business expo then die. Should be a good weekend.