Churchy Stuff (a very LONG post)

I generally don't go all churchy, but I feel I need to express some things, and I've found I do better writing it than trying to explain it talking. I've learned a valuable lesson between my last major experience with the atonement and this experience with the atonement. Last time...it seemed just a bit too easy. This time...its a lot harder. I'm still at peace, for the most part, but struggling to not commit sins is tough. Especially when you now have a new understanding about it. I'm sure everyone struggles with this in their own way, since no one is perfect. But man...I'm not as gung-ho as I was at first. I know that this is my chance. I need to make this happen. The hardest part (for me) is done and now I just need to live it. But I'm starting to think the whole living it part is far harder than I ever imagined.

Everything I do now has concious effort put into it. In other words....I think about every move I make now (for the most part). It's tiring. If I miss a night of studying scriptures or saying a prayer, I feel horrid. And generally I wake up the next morning and read a little to make up for it, but even after doing that I feel horrible for the rest of the day. Same goes with other things I'm struggling with. I keep thinking about a passage I read in True to the Faith. It states "It is wrong to commit....sins with the thought that you will simply repent later. This attitude is a sin itself, showing irreverance for the Lord and the covenants you make with him." I feel like when I sin, I know its wrong and I make a concious effort to not do it, but the temptations get too strong and I give in. Or I do it not even thinking about it then afterwards I think "Really? Why did you just do that." So...to me this means I'm commiting a sin with the thought that I'll simply repent later. This is not okay.

I am having some serious struggles with what to do. I pray like crazy and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I pray for the ability to know how to just give myself to Him....and it doesn't seem to be working. I read in the scriptures that as soon as you can give yourself to Him completely, the temptations decrease immensely. I want that. But I don't know how to obtain it. 

I'm frustrated because I'm done with the "homework" I was given and don't know what to do next, so I read the scriptures. But I feel like I don't know what else to do from here or what to focus on. I don't know if my bishop will contact me or if I'm supposed to contact him...I thought he said he would contact me after he talked to the Stake President last week but I still haven't heard from him....maybe I'm just antsy to get this taken care of and I need to learn patience? I don't know.

I'm feeling like I don't have a game plan. And because I don't have a game plan....I'm feeling like I'm going to be lost. I feel like I'm going to give up and I'm refusing to right now, but what about tomorrow? Or the next day? When is it going to finally get to me? And is it sad (or bad...) that my only thread keeping me going is the hope that my intuition about finding a new man comes true? (if you don't already know....I have a very strong feeling that the man I'm supposed to be with won't come into my life until business is taken care of... in other words the universe aligns.)

I think I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I feel true longing. I watch couples all around me. The men are so sweet and adoring, and you can tell the wives are proud to be in the arms of that man. Its not just the newly weds either its couples of all ages, young and old. They are soo happy. I know all marriages have issues, but even so they truly look happy and content with their lives. And on Sunday, as I was surrounded by couples of all ages, from all walks of life....I felt that longing. Almost a desperation to have someone in my life like that. And I know I need to get things taken care of before the right man comes into mine, but it doesn't seem like it will ever happen.  

I'm feeling this same stress with my divorce as I am with the atonement. I feel like I don't have a game plan. I feel like I'm just kind of floating...waiting for things to happen but not knowing how to make them happen quicker like I want. And really...all I want is a timeframe. Thats it. And I know I can't just miraculously have a timeframe handed to me in both cases, because it is dependent on other people. I just want something to shoot for. Some end to things. I'm just soo tired of floating and not knowing whats next.

Does this ever get easier?

Memorial Weekend

Our Memorial Weekend was not too shabby. Saturday we were hoping for a day at the beach, but it was soo windy that we decided just to play at home. The boys played with their friends from daycare all day and it was an all around good day. We also have taken on pet sitting. When my friend Evan died, he orphaned 3 cats. 2 have found homes but 1 has not...and the folks keeping the one needed a sitter. So we have Cleo for a little bit. She is a sweetheart and its helping Ry get rid of his scared feelings towards animals. The boys love her, but the downfall is that she is temporary so as soon as she goes I'm sure that I will get several requests for a pet. But for now...Cleo will do. Sunday we went to church and had a good dinner at home and Monday we were going to shoot for the lake. Before we went though, we had to get little chores done.

The boys thinking I was making them do slave labor. i.e. pulling the jungle that had grown into our patio.

After that, we made our way to the beach but it was FAR too windy and cold so we opted for the Aquatic Center instead. We were there for literally 3 1/2 hrs and looked like prunes but had a really good time. The boys were starving and I had luckily had some chicken crockpoting, so we were about to eat a quick sandwich when....my friend Darlene called and asked if we wanted to go there for a BBQ. Of course I said yes! Lots of good friends and kids for the boys to play with. 



Tyler and Ry made friends (and possibly girlfriend)



Nate and Ty trying to be pool sharks with Darlene's son





Ry getting in on the action with the help of our friend Duncan.



We had a great night and it was good to see those friends that I hadn't seen for months. This morning...we were all tired from lack of sleep. It was worth it though.

And due to it being Memorial Weekend, I would just like to express my thanks to those who have are still are fighting for our countries freedom, and those who have died because of that. Also to remember those I've lost that I've loved.

Challenge!

Over at One Twenty Five (a fitness blog that I came upon while reading Ben Does Life), she is posing the Operation 5km, 5 lbs, 30 Day Challenge. I'm in! Starting on Wednesday June 1, 2011, I will be starting this challenge. The goal is to lose 5 lbs and/or be able to run a 5k in 30 days. I'm pretty excited. This is a jump start I need to improving my 5k. I'm rather excited and look forward to starting it! So here it is. I PLEDGE AND COMMIT TO LOSE 5 LBS AND RUN A 5K IN 30 DAYS! (I'm over-achieving)

As she says..."...5 pounds and a 5k, are you willing to make sacrifices? It’s 30 days of your life, food and the couch will be waiting for you in July."
"No one will lose your weight for you, so why not start now? Let’s get sexy for Summer 2011 and do something good for ourselves for one, simple, month."

Come on my faithful readers (hello? hello? anyone out there........ hehe :P) I challenge those of you who are feelin the slump. It's only 30 days and it will be awesome. Ditch the last (or first...or middle) 5 lbs and get in shape. If your not a runner, then just shoot for the 5 lbs. If your not worried about weight but want to run, just shoot for the 5k. If neither apply...then just make a commitment to be healthy! Either way....get it done! I will be jogging and following my Weight Watchers plan. At One Twenty Five she is following a Paleo program (not sure what that is) and is creating a training guide. But go check her blog and see if its good for you. Or just follow the basic food pyramid we all know and love. Whatever works. Just get it done.

I'm committed! Are you?!

Content

I'm feeling at peace again today with my internal struggles I was having yesterday. I will go into detail later after things cool down a bit....but it is really hard to decide whether you should choose loyalty or financial security. Its hard. But I've let go. I'm leaving it in His hands. Whatever is meant to happen will happen.

The boys are soo excited to be done with school. Today is the last day. I feel bad because the fact that I'm a single mom means that they don't get the lazy summer days that I once got, they still have to go to daycare. But maybe someday I will find my Prince Charming and will have a little less work time to worry about. That would be nice.

I'm excited however, for the summer months. I'm looking forward to goin to the "beach" with the kids again, and really excited for the chance to go to Disneyland. Still need to get my butt moving on saving for that, but I think it will be okay.

I'm taking a hiatus and having a three day weekend. I'm looking forward to being able to relax and spend time with my boys. Yay for Memorial Weekend! I hope you all have a great weekend too!

Big Decisions and Nate's Graduation

 I'm having to make some big decisions right now that I am not comfortable with. I'm not going to go into detail here, for now, but I'm nervous about whats going to be happening in the next couple months. I've been having internal battles about this subject matter and just don't know what to do. I'm just hoping and praying that things work out. It's been an interesting experience however....to let my intuitions lead my decisions.

So I cross fingers that things will happen as they are meant to happen. We shall see.

In other news, Nate had his 2nd grade music program yesterday and it was absolutely adorable. Sorry the pictures aren't all that great. I can't believe its summer break next week but am excited for the fun plans of the summer.

The 2nd Graders



Nate afterwards while we were waiting for Ty



Biggest Loser Finale

 Did anyone else watch The Biggest Loser finale? Oh my goodness! I was soo happy for Deni to win the at home prize, even though I was secretly rooting for Austin. But I was extremely irritated that Olivia won overall. I really don't like her for some reason. I was rooting for Hannah. I can't help it...I wanted her to win. I think shes fantastic. And oh my goodness is she hilarious...I didn't realize until they showed the funny clips of her. Can you believe how much weight they lost? If not...heres the perspective.



This it their before shot.  I can relate.



Their after shot. Oh my goodness.



As much as I really don't like Olivia, I do have to say that I am really proud of her and Hannah for what they accomplished. I'm also a little jealous. Hannah is in her 120s now! I don't think I'll get that small, but still. Its extremely impressive to me, and it makes me want to try to do better. This week has been full of inspiration already...and now Ms Hannah has added to it. I just wish she would've won. But good job Olivia. I guess. I hope you at least share the money a little.

random

I am having a bit of a mental block today as to what I should write. I want to write something....I just dunno what. So I guess its one of those days I just type and see what comes of it.

I am starting to get more and more excited about my weight loss. I think the fear I had of losing weight is starting to subside. Yes...I had fear. I feared I'd have a fat tongue (like on Click, the extra skin that won't shrink) that people would realize I am fat (duh...cause thats not obvious at all), that I would fail, all sorts of random wierd things. But I'm getting over that now. I'm excited to start feeling good in my own skin finally. I'm also rather excited for Disneyland. My savings goals and my weight loss goals are NOT on track, but I'm working on it and I'm hoping things align a little better so that these can both be amped up. I have pretty much 2 1/2 months to get my butt in shape...and to get money saved up. Time to work on the discipline.

I have been struggling with how to offset what the boys are learning at their dads. Ty seems to be semi- immune to it all for now, but Nate has taken on some really bad habits that I need to curb. Attempting to curb them, however, is a hard thing to do. I guess just keep praying I'll figure something out and they won't be  too screwed up in the end. I do get to have them more often now though and that makes me happy.  Less time at their Dads house means more time in an (attempted) positive atmosphere.

Memorial day is coming and again I feel crappy that I don't have anywhere to memorialize Grayson. I guess we will see how the weekend goes. I'm excited I'll have my kiddos and look forward to having a good time, whatever we do.

At Peace

This morning is a good morning. I didn't get raptured...which is either a good thing (not the end of the world yet) or a bad thing (it is the end of the world, but I didn't get saved and I will now be either eaten up in a giant earthquake or engulfed in a giant fireball). This weekend was very crazy and I am so grateful for all of the experiences I had. I completed two very difficult tasks that I never thought I'd be able to do. I got shown love and support in ways I would've never imagined. I am at peace with myself, and I know my life is headed in the right direction finally. I feel strong.

Life is good.

The 5k and my feelings towards it

This morning with the momentous 5k. My first one ever. And it reminded me of a link my sister Steph put on facebook not too long ago about a woman who was running the Boston Marathon and how to spirit kept her going and such. I'd link up to it but really...I'm tired and really don't feel like searching it, but I believe it is on http://www.lds.org/. Go search it.

Anyway. I started out and I was nervous. I knew I could finish it though and totally figured I'd be able to run the entire thing because, well, I forget I'm fat and not in as good of shape as I used to be sometimes. Before it was time to start, I had a sudden burst of excitement and was ready to roll. Now this was a very unofficial 5k. No numbers, no timers, nothing like that. Just a whole bunch of people getting together to walk/jog/run whatever we could for the mere purpose of good health. Well it started and I was going strong, I was running with my sis-in-law Betsy and another girl from our group named April. I made from where we started to the park..not sure how far that is...and I just couldn't push myself anymore. It wasn't far. I told them to go ahead and run on while I walked.

This is when the thought process started. All of a sudden my mind reverted back to my Heavenly Father. It was very unexpected. I was having all sorts of doubt. I was unsure if I could finish. I wondered why on Earth I had ever even attempted to run this 5k. I wanted to cry. The song playing was "Crash" by Dave Matthews Band (again...too tired to even bother trying to link it up. Youtube it). I felt like I was crashing. I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to cry...I almost did cry. I knew I was going to fail. Then for some reason I thought of my life. How many times have I felt like I was crashing? I was seriously engulfed with the spirit for just a split second. I knew he was pushing me along and I knew he was trying to help me succeed...not only in this race but in my life as well. I had never had that experience before, and it shocked me a little bit. And for that split second, I knew I would be okay. In this race...and in life. I would be just fine if I just kept pushing.

Throughout the rest of the race I had serious doubts. I kept thinking "at the next set of benches I'm just going to sit down for a second and rest." or "when Betsy passes, I'll just turn around and run back with her. I can't finish this anyway, I was crazy to try." But those doubts immediately got shifted out of my mind and I kept going. Then they would creep back in...and get booted right back out again. When I finally reached the half way point, I was there. I knew I was closer to finishing then turning back, and I did what I could to finish strong. I alternated walking and jogging, and even though I was slow I did it. My feet were killing me, I couldn't stop coughing, my calves were burning, my knees were on fire, I had gained a headache....but none of that mattered because I was almost there. Almost done. I had made it that far and I knew I could finish. Even if I did have to crawl across the finish line, I could and I would finish.

Then the song "Until The End" by Breaking Benjamin came on. It says that you can last until the end. You have to last until the end in essence. It got me through. It got me jogging. I was able to jog the last little bit and was greeted by my dad and Betsy cheering me on. I have the best family in the world. I truly do. I knew I had completed it. I had done it. Was it hard? Oh my goodness yes. Am I going to do another one anytime soon? Oh no. No no no. I need to prepare myself better first. But do I now have the insight and confidence I need in other aspects of my life? Oh yes. I think I was meant to do this to prove to myself that I can finish what I start, and when I do...its going to be worth it. He is pushing me along...taking my hand and at times carrying me in the right direction. He is willing to do that as long as I'm willing to give myself to him.

So...I'm happy. I won't be doing a 5k any time soon, but maybe when I'm better prepared. And I have a new dedication to changing the direction of my life. I know its going to be such a hard road, and I know I'm going to want to give up...but I know that I'm going to be able to make it. I know for a fact.

And one more happy moment? I lost 3.8 lbs at weigh in!! So today has been a good day. Hopefully this amazing feeling stays with me and keeps me moving onward and upward.

Have a good weekend all!

Brain Dump

Sometimes...you just need to not worry about whats being said or how random it is and just type whats on your mind so thats what I'm doing.

I'm excited for this weekend. I'm unsure what my weigh in is going to bring, since it seems when I do great I fail, and when I do not so great I fail...so we shall see. But I am getting excited for the 5k. And scared. Scared to death because I want to do good but I'm afraid to fail. I know I'm going to push myself and I want to be able to jog the whole thing but I'm going to have to use a whole lot of ice afterwards I think. But I really want to be able to say I did my very best and I pushed myself hard. I want to earn it. 

I've also been doubting the program which is bad. Because like I said, I seem to have fantastic weeks and I have a bad weigh in. Then of course not so fantastic weeks and another bad weigh in. I know my body is adjusting and muscle is forming and all that jazz...but it makes it very frustrating when you work hard and nothing comes of it. And as I'm writing this I feel like a hypocrite because I could've pushed myself harder and didn't. But I did make a valid effort. I should've seen something positive come from it you would think.

On the job front I wasn't nervous...until recently. As many know..the funding for my position has been cut completely out of the FY2011 budget. Thank you congress and Obama. Way to kick the little people while they are down. And ironically...in FY2012, they want to put the funding back in budget AND increase the amount. But for one year...families have to suffer and rescue scams will become record high. My boss is working diligently to find funding to keep me on at least for that year so we can re-apply for funding next year, and I'm applying for all sorts of grants from every business, bank, and foundation I can find who need to use CR money. But thats not a guarantee. I know I have a job for at least a couple more months thankfully, but who knows past there. Its a frustrating spot to be in, just because I don't know if I should be trying to apply for other jobs or just stick it out here. I really like my job and I really want to stay here. But I need to be able to take care of my family as well. Its a hard position to be in.

The legal paperwork has been served. That means come June 3, unless the ex disputes anything....this whole legal battle will come to an end. This makes me soooo happy. I will be grateful when I can recieve child support, because it could definitely help my cause a lot. That extra income will be nice. And the fact that we are re-arranging the custody and the visitation stuff, the boys will be much happier and hopefully we won't have to negotiate anymore on when they will be going with their dad. Makes me feel bad that they have to learn how to negotiate the time with their dad. But its coming to an end. I feel good about that. I just hope he actually pays the child support and doesn't job hop to avoid it.

I've decided that on the religious front, Satan works really hard on me. Like really hard. I come sooo very close to being able to resolve all my issues and get straight again, and he steps in to put doubt in my mind. "How do you know this is the right path for you? What if you make the sacrifices you need to make to follow this gospel and in the end its not true? Then where will you be? Lonely and friendless and depressed? Again? Is that how you want to live your life? If you have doubts about the truth of it, why even try to live it?"
These thoughts run through my head constantly, but even more so when I'm doing anything church centered. It makes the tasks extremely difficult and it does put a whole lot of doubt in my heart and mind. I do remember a scripture saying that as soon as I give my heart to Him, the difficulty will go away. I feel like thats true, but I don't have alot of faith in anything really, and I don't have alot of trust in anything. This has been a hard path for me. I don't know why and I know I make it 20 times harder than it needs to be.

Thats my brain dump for the day. All my thoughts and feelings of the day. And on that note...I hope ya'll have a good weekend. I'm going to be doing business expo then weigh in then 5k then more business expo then die. Should be a good weekend.

The Sky Is Falling!

So I guess something called Rapture is happening this weekend...still not sure what that is....and apparently according to this guy the world is also going to suffer from a massive earthquake and the entire universe will be engulfed in flames.
As far out as this is...it does make me wonder how close we really are to the end. I'm a bit nervous I do got to say. I know I'm not prepared at all for when it all happens. And I'd like to get that way as soon as I can. I'm working on it. But geez. Saturday is the day....or 2012 is the year.....it makes you wonder. Although I do believe no one really knows when it will happen except for one guy. But its still kinda scary to think about. And...if its scary to think about that does mean I'm sooo not ready for it to happen I suppose. I guess I'm just hoping I can at least find the man of my dreams before it happens. But in the end I know its all part of HIS plan. I just need to be patient.
All the same...I hope the world doesn't end on Saturday. Or in 2012. I still got alot of living left to do I think.

The Biggest Loser

Ok is anyone else an avid Biggest Loser fan? I am. And I really....REALLY....do not like Olivia. I'm not sure why. I'm sure she is a nice person and all but something about her just drives me crazy. I'm kind of hoping for Hannah to win. Or Jay. I wouldn't mind Irene either but my first pick is Hannah. I didn't like her either until this episode which is funny to me, but I really like her now.

So last nights show almost had me in tears, which is kind of embarassing to say. But it really did! It was the final challenge where they had to carry the amount of weight they had lost across the golf course. Watching them struggle and hearing their insight on how they felt about carrying all that weight again was extremely motivational for me (except for Olivia being a whiney butt, that was annoying). I want to be able to look back and feel that way too. It has shown me that I need to really stop being a whiney butt and start pounding it out. They have been at it for 20 weeks. I've been at it for 14 weeks and look where I'm at? No where close to them. Granted...they eat, live, breath and sleep the weight loss, but still. I could do better. And I will do better.

Big Girl...Your Beautiful!

Heres the dish on our family as of late.

I am STILL trying to potty train Ry. He hates it at preschool...hates it at home....hates it everywhere. Except for Sunday when we put Cheerios in the potty and I let him try to aim and shoot. It didn't work. Nothing came out. But it did make him want to go potty. We spent a good part of the morning just sitting on the potty chatting. Maybe this means we are getting closer?

I've had an ongoing sore throat turned into swollen gland thing since starting to run outside. Maybe there isn't a relation...but I don't think it was just a coincidence. Anyway...mom gave me some essential oils to help it feel better. Well its not getting worse, but I still can't swallow without wincing. I swear...I better get well soon.

I was finally able to go shopping yesterday and stock up on some good food. So the week of fantastic eating and exercising...commences. I passed up a donut at lunch, a sweet treat at work and as much as I wanted to chow and munch last night...I didn't. I think I'm making progress...or at least getting back to my awesomeness of the first week. I REALLY need to get back on track with my weight loss. Disneyland isn't going to wait for me to lose the chub!

I just saw a video Big Girl (You are beautiful) that cracks me up. Seriously. The guy is singing about how big girls are beautiful too. It made me feel kinda happy inside. Then I read down some of the comments and the happy feeling went away. Boy are people judgemental. I agree...its not all together healthy to be overweight (or obese) and thats the reason I'm trying to lose (well we can't ignore the fact that I want to look better too). But girls ARE beautiful at any size. And I wish guys (no offense to the ones who are NOT like this) would get a grip and look past the size 2 waist and the super model physique. I guess my point of this whole rant...is that I should feel beautiful how I am but I really can't wait until I stop being "you have a beautiful face" and start being "you are beatiful". I know...its vain of me...but it is what it is.

Blast

I'm a bit frustrated.

I know I pushed myself too hard when I was running the mileage and now I have sore knees and shin splints. Hoorah for me. Well...last week I didn't exercise much cause I was hurting and on top of that, I didn't eat all that splendidly. And....I gained 4 lbs this week. GAINED 4 LBS. I think I kinda gave up this week too. After pushing so hard the previous week and gaining the 0.2 lbs when I know I should've lost weight...I kinda fueled down. I've seen this in myself before....this is the point where normally I cut my losses and stop working at it. I can't do that this time though. It's been proven to me that I can do this I just need to re-dedicate myself. Which I will.

Also...Since I started the running outside I had funky sore throat issues. The sore throat has gone...but now I have swollen glands and it really reminds me of the double ear infection thing I had a couple months ago where I literally couldn't function. So I've been taking an antibiotic and rubbing this lavender peppermint oil stuff on it that my mom swears by...and yesterday I could swallow better but this morning not so much. I hope I can curve the infection before it gets too bad.

On a positive note...
Friday night was alot of fun. My friend Aleta called up and asked if I wanted to go to the singles dance with her. I figured sure...so we went and it was dead. Literally...no boys there. All girls. So we left and decided to go to the 222 salute/fundraiser. It was sooo much fun. And we even got in the mosh pit. We saw a good friend Bonnie and her boyfriend there, and it truly was just a whole ton of fun.
Saturday was the horrendous weigh in. However the meeting was great. So I'm now re-motivated to do good this week. For lunch, I treated (all but $2) my parents to some Garden House for lunch. I'd gotten a gift certificate and since I'm being loserish at the moment and didn't have anyone to go with...I invited them. And I'm happy I did, it was really a good time. And the soup was amazing!
Sunday was a great day at church. Ry went to primary by himself for the first time, and I didn't mess up too bad on playing piano in relief society. Then dinner was delicious requested lettuce wraps again. Really, it was fantastic.

So besides the funky swollen glands and the weight gain...the weekend went well. I hope everyone else is having a good weekend as well!

Graduating and A Beautiful Moment



De Cute Lil Guys

 I am soo very proud of Tyler...he graduated from Kindergarten on Wednesday. He is such a great little boy and I am soo happy to have him as my son. Sorry for the awesomeness of my phone...I need to get more batteries for my camera.
Anyway...the night was a whirlwind. I had forgotten to put stuff in the crockpot for dinner that day so I had to speed home and find something to make... we ended up with stroganoff (rice-a-roni style) and ground beef. It was wierdly good though. Tyler also didn't have any clean nice clothes...we we were trying to wash/dry those in the 1 1/2 hr time frame we had. Then...of course...Mr Anti-Potty decided to stink up the house and I was out of normal pull-ups. It was 6:45 pm. It takes 15 minutes to get to his school. He was supposed to be there at 6:45. Blast.
Grandma saved the day and met us in front of the school...changed Ryders diaper at her house (and apparently had a great time driving my car) and allowed us to be on time to the program. Thank you to her for that. Much appreciated. Pictures as follows....



Ry Decided To Join Tyler On Stage



Mid-Program



Tyler and his Teacher Mrs Wood



Yesterday, I had an early morning flying to Salt Lake. I had a meeting at the Federal Reserve building at it was awesome. There were a whole lot of fantastic people from all different jobs...FDIC, Fed Reserve, VPs of banks, CEOs of companies, etc. Lots of very awesome people. It was a really good time. And the food... amazing. And totally the murderer of my points for the day. But it was soo worth it. It ran over though, so I wasn't able to make the early flight I was hoping for. Instead...I had to go for the 8 pm flight. So to kill time I decided to walk around and found....



Fountain Outside of Church Office Building



SLC Temple. Absolutely Beautiful

Beehive House Flower Gardens

I had been on the grounds during high school at Christmas time, and it was amazing then. But there were sooo many flowers and fountains there. It was stunning. And so peaceful. Despite having loads of people walking around and 3 weddings going on....it was quiet and serene. Like nothing I've ever experienced. I was sooo happy I was able to go there and enjoy it on such a beautiful day as well. It was well worth the trip.

After that...I met up with a friend for some dinner at Texas Roadhouse where I once again killed my points but it was worth it...then flew home. And went home and slept hard. It truly was a great day.

On another note...I'm thinking that my weigh in is going to be pathetic tomorrow. I haven't done well this week. I'm losing steam. I need to get moving though, because I know that as soon as I get another good weigh in I'll be all hyped up.

But...I also had a wonderful experience at this meeting. People I had seen at other trainings but hadn't ever approached me were reaching out. Asking where I knew them from and how I'm doing. Even had a guy from who knows where that I swear kept glancing at me from time to time. I don't know how much credit to put towards that...but it was still a booster for me.

And...it was sooo nice on the airplane not to worry about the seatbelts. I was able to clasp it and tighten alittle. That makes me sooo happy. Its those fantastic little things.

Ummmm OW.

So I think I went at it a bit too hard with my running. My knees and shins hurt all day yesterday. If this pain had been in my muscles it would've been different, but where it was joints and such I decided I better slow down. I have been reading about the program Couch to 5k and have decided I'm going to start with their training program. I had tried to incorporate it with my ww training program...but it was not working well. It also won't help me with this 5k coming up in a couple weeks, but I think its going to transition my body a lot easier. Its a 9 week program that gets you from being not active at all to running a 5k (target time would be 30 minutes). Honestly...I think its doable. I'm rather excited.
I completed the first workout last night and it was great. Today my knees aren't hurting nearly at all, shins aren't hurting, and I feel fantastic. I think I'm going to keep up with it and see how it goes. Might not give me the steller weigh in that I want...but oh well. I'd rather take it slow than be going all gung ho and injure myself. And if I add in some muscle toning stuff as well during the "off days" then hopefully I will still manage to lose some poundage. I think this will be good. I'm kinda excited. Lets get r done.

Motivation

 I have been very motivated as of late. Very. I'm not sure why...maybe an added confidence that I can indeed accomplish what I strive to do? Where in the past I gave up easily? Maybe so. Who knows. But non-the-less.... I am very excited for this new chapter of my life. I feel like I'm finally taking control and manuvering it the way I would like...and I'm finally "growing up" so to speak. And I think tonight is going to be slightly pinnacle in this growing up deal. One of the bishopric stopped me at church and asked if he could meet with me sometime this week....my guess is for a calling. Except I think this is the divine intervention I needed for some other things to happen and assist in the whole universe aligning as well. So I'm scared to death, absolutely scared to death. But I'm feeling at peace about it as well. Anyway...only a handful of people will know what I'm even talking about but those that do just may be leaping (?) for joy....or saying FINALLY! in their heads. Anyway. On to the rest of my post. We had a delicious dinner of Catalina Chicken with rice and veggies. I love using the boys' plates because I feel like I have WAY more food than I do. Regardless, it was very tasty.
Afterwards, we had our family night. I've made a goal to work on scout stuff with Nate every FHE so thats what we did. We completed an entire achievement (the physical fitness one I'll have you know) during family home evening. It was a whole lot of fun for everyone and I think it meant alot to Nate as well that we all wanted to help him achieve his goals.

I again...did not want to run. And had slacked Saturday and Sunday by overeating and not exercising. So I figured I better just get it done. It was ALOT harder to endure the 2 miles. Seriously...I've learned a valuable lesson. If you slack and don't run for a day or two, your endurance suffers. No more slacking. So to make up for it...I pushed myself to go 2.5 miles and I did it! But only with the help of my ipod. I have never appreciated that thing more. 2 pumped up songs came on and I was able to bust out the final 1/2 mile that I had been struggling with. I'm thinking it will be a must do have that during the 5k.

And...the proof is in the pudding. Ignore the fact that it took me 50 minutes to accomplish. Granted 5 minutes of that was cool down but still. Thats not good. My goal, however, is to do 2.5 miles every night this week and increase to 3 miles next week to prepare for May 21. Then I hopefully won't die while running. Since I've never ran a race before...I don't have a PR (personal record) in which to break but my goal is to finish in less than 60 minutes. Even that is pretty sad...but I'm taking baby steps. Speaking of which....come one come all. May 21 at 10:00 am is the official/not so official 5k Walk It Challenge for Weight Watchers. Come walk, strut, jog, or run with us! I've heard they are timing but its not official enough to have numbers assigned. And its a stroller friendly 5k. You don't have to sign up...just be there. Show up and get your exercise on. I'll be there. So will my jogging buddy. So come say hi. :)

Some people...

...need to not judge so quickly. I found the blog of a friend of a friend (does that make sense?) from high school and figured I'd read up for a minute to see what she had been up to. Bad idea. There was on post that was about adoption. A recent couple she knew had experienced heartbreak when the mom of the baby they were adopting backed out at the very last second. And yes...I agree...very heartbreaking! She made a plea to her readers to make sure that single females knew there was an option of a loving family who could give these children a loving home. All fine and dandy...until...."two parents can make a better life for a child than almost any single parent can. Sure, there are celebrities that do it, but they have wheelbarrows of money...." then later on in the post "The stats on children raised my single parents are pretty grim."

So does that mean my kids are going to be better off living with their dad and his fiancee who worships the devil? Who leave their (10) kids by themselves to go drink or participate in wierd drum lines? Who encourage lying, stealing, manipulating, belittling or hurting others to get what you want in life? I mean that technically is a two parent household and all. And what about those parents who try to be friends instead of parents? Who buy alcohol, drugs, or pornography for their kids and even particpate? Call me crazy...but I think my kids are better off in my household as a single parent than being in either of those situations.

Am I a perfect parent? Not at all. Do I make lots of mistakes? Most definitely. Do I wish the universe would hurry up and align so that my Prince Charming could be in our lives? YES! Do I also believe that once Mr Prince Charming arrives, being a parent will be much easier? DEFINITELY! But I would much rather be a single parent than be in a household where my husband didn't respect me (or my kids), love me (or my kids), or treat me (or my kids) how I want my boys to treat their future spouses/kids. I try my hardest to teach my kids good morals and values...empathy, honesty, respect, loyalty, charity, kindess....we have family nights and work on scout projects together. We go to church, say our prayers every night, read our scriptures (prob not as frequently as we should...but still) and do what we can do live good lives. Not to mention I have a fantastic support system within my family. My boys (and I) know that we have a safe spot to fall where our family will pick us up, dust us off, and help us on our way.

And yes...I agree there are single parents out there that are 100% part of those "grim stats" becuase I see them every day at my job. Those who feel entitled to mooch off the government and child support. Who are too lazy to get a job or make an effort at being parents. Those who abuse or neglect their children. Or who just don't care at all. Who are working, contributing members of society but leave their kids to their own resources/to fend for themselves. I've seen it...I've had friends who have come from those types of families... and I agree those are the ones I see on the bookings more often than not.

So...you have freedom of opinion and I'm not going to try to sway opinions. But my plea is not to make assumptions until you know the whole story. And yes...this next part will sound judgemental...but its people with this very opinion that caused me to be inactive from the church soo long. Until you have walked into a new ward with kids and no spouse...you could never know. The stares are bad...but then you have the whispers, and rumors, and sitting alone every Sunday because no one wants to sit by some heathen  adulterer! And you may think that is extreme...but honestly. Thats how it feels. I've been in numerous wards in my lifetime, and even in the most loving ones that I've adored this happened. Once that stigma has been placed...it takes a VERY LONG TIME to unstick it. It has been over a year in my new ward and still, I can count on one hand the number of people who willingly sit by me or talk to me. But I've come to the understanding that I am there for the Lord and not friends. That is what gets me through the Sundays. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. So please just be cautious before you pass judgement. This has definitely made me look at what I'm doing a bit closer. Hopefully it improves me for the (less judgemental) better.

Mother's Day Weekend...in pictures! (a grayson pic too...just as a warning)



Friday was a monumental day for me. It truly was. Why...you may ask? Because I really really did NOT want to exercise. But I decided to anyway and guess what happened? I was able to jog 2 MILES without stopping! I've never done that in my entire life! I am proud...and it gives me some serious motivation to do better. Not to mention I was in full belief I'd have an awesome weigh in after accomplishing something so great.   

 Well....all my hopes of a great weigh in were crushed. Abolished. Totally crashed out into oblivion. I GAINED 0.2 lbs. To many it wouldn't be a huge deal...but this de-rails my goal of losing poundage before Disneyland. It seemed like an awesome week too, which has be scratching my head. But I'm going to strive to do better this week and see where it goes. So anyway...on to the weeekend.

I was feeling cabin feverish and was planning on going out of town this weekend to somewhere, anywhere... when my sis-in-law Betsy mentioned going to St George. I was all sorts of in like flynn. We left about 1 and went to her mothers house where we went swimming. Ryder had such a good time....he loved his floaty Betsy had gotten him, and loved being able to catch Jackers in his floaty. It was such a great swim. (I didn't have my phone right then...or I would've taken pictures) After burning some time we went to Cracker Barrel with Mom and Dad which was fantastic. I had a cute picture of him sitting on a rocking chair...but this blogger deal is being retarded. So there ya go. We then decided to make a detour to the Sweet Tooth Fairy (I'd never been there) and oh boy is that a dangerous place.  



Soooo many to choose from!







Mmmmmmmmmmm







Awww cupcake heaven!



On our way home, Ryder fell asleep and stayed alseep until about 11:00 pm when he woke up with a case of Croup sooo bad that he couldn't breath. He was literally gasping for breath and his heart rate was no joke about 170 beats/min. It was scary for me. All the kids have had Croup before but we have been able to manage it with cold air until morning for a doc appointment. This was serious though. So we went into the ER and they were really nice. They took good care of him and at around 2:00 am we got to go home...and Ry was good and breathing again. So that was very nice. 

 Sunday was Mother's Day. We had a realitively calm day. Me and Ryder slept in for quite awhile, since we'd both had a long night and then waited for brothers to come back. We then went to church and it wasn't until there was a super cute newborn little boy in the row in front of me during Sunday school that not having Grayson here got to me. I cried. Not like, crazy noticably because that would've been embarassing. But tears and runny nose. I gathered my composure however and was able to play piano in Relief Society. I also have an appointment with my bishopric on Tuesday...not sure why....

After that was dinner at the parents house. I was ornery and kinda bummed and Ryder was being a pill all of a sudden, so I let Grandma give her Grandma loves for a while before I attempted to deal with him. Playing the piano has always been a good stress reliever so I attempted that and cried some more...but it did make me feel better.

After a tasty dinnner, the boys and I decided to go put flowers on some of the baby graves at the cemetary. Even though it was FREEZING cold and really windy. It was worth it. And a good end to the night.

So for Grayson...happy birthday my darling. It was a bittersweet Mother's Day for me, but I know that your little life impacted mine the way it needed to, and everything is part of His bigger plan. I can't wait to see you again. I love you and I hope you had a great birthday as well.



...

I have officially gotten a full blown sore throat/cough thing. I really think its a sign from the exercise goddesses that either A. I should give up or B. I need to forge through and show myself I can do this. I'm hoping B is the right answer cause thats what I'm doing.
In other news...I just need a venting session about my job. As most know, I work for a non-profit organization that I absolutely love. I love my job, I love where I work, I love my co-workers. I DON"T love the Lenders I deal with day in and day out. When I first started, they were really nice. A couple months ago I had an awesome streak of approvals. Now...they are getting cut throat and harsh. So far I've had Lenders tell people they are worthless liars, that they tried to help the homeowners but the homeowners didn't feel the need to help back (so untrue), that their attempts in modifying and helping were FUTILE. Seriously...the letter said FUTILE. And the day after that letter showed up, the denial letter showed up. I just don't understand whats going on. I really don't. It went from a fairly easy in with Lenders to them doing anything possible to string out the process and find any reason possible to deny. I truly just don't get it.
On a happy note....congrats to my sis-in-law Betsy for being honored in the Festival City newsletter thing. We love you and I'm happy your hard work could get acknowledged!

Random catch up

Randoms for the day:

-My boys realized I was serious when I set that ground rule of "if you say it wasn't me...you take responsibility." Nate got to clean up some pudding on the floor that I'm pretty positive Ryder spilled, but when I asked he was the first to pipe in. Felt good (weirdly) to stick to what I say. I bet he won't be doing that anymore.

-I've been told I'm like a block of ice...the chub is kinda just melting away. I haven't noticed a huge difference except that my favorite pair of undies are now a bit too big, but I'm happy with what I can get! And it made me feel good about my progress.

-Had an all-dayer in Salt Lake for a meeting and it was truly an enjoyable time. H and I had a great drive and a mildly productive meeting with our funders, but had a really good thought pool about funding and my job on the drive back. It was pretty awesome. We have some FANTASTIC ideas for the agency.

-Is it normal for you to get a sore throat directly after trying to get your lungs accustomed to running outside?? I think I'm on to something here....

FHE

After work last night we decided to go at it FHE style. We had some BBQ chicken with potatoes and corn for dinner, then discussed some new family rules after a song. The new rule? Momma is tired of hearing "I didn't do it! It wasn't me!" So from here on out in my household, if someone says that when I asked what happened...they take automatic blame. If no one comes forward, then EVERYONE gets to bare the consequence. And if the person who did do it comes forward, they will still recieve a consequence but I will go easy on them. Hopefully this helps.

Also as part of our FHE, I have decided to go through Nate's scout book and help him pass stuff off. So we did 4 achievements last night. Afterwards, we went and got a smoothie then walked to the park. Yes walked to the park. This is not something I would've done 3 months ago.

Nate was trying to give me a "tough" look. Didn't quite work out all that well.

Ry was having a cause of "Mommas Luck" and tripped like 5 times while at the park.

I quite liked this 'twilight' lookin picture...not the vampire twilight but the twilight like right before the sun goes down.



I've been thinking about my weight loss and even though its kinda like DUR you shoulda known that A LONG TIME AGO I'm realizing that to get my full potential going...I can't be lazy. I have to push myself and I will only get out of it what I put in. I know thats just a general rule, but in my mind I figure if I just eat right and do some walkin I'll drop some poundage. Which is true. But I could be doing so much more...so much faster! So I decided to go suck it up and run OUTSIDE. Not go easy on myself and go inside. And it was fantastic. I did 3 loops around my complex/street which is .55 miles. So I pretty much did a little over 1.5 miles last night. I didn't run the whole thing, but I'd jog one street then walk the next and repeat that pattern...and by loop 2ish my lungs had stopped burning. It was awesome. I want to add one loop around every week or sooner if I feel I can handle it. Then the 5k in T minus 3 weeksish. I'm excited. For once...I'm saying BRING IT ON!

Weekend Highlights and some thoughts

I quite like having the boys here for the weekend I've decided. I'll summarize and say the two definite highlights were swimming at the Aquatic Center (thanks for inviting us Betsy!) and cooking dinner Sunday. We had an all out Chinese food feast that was delicious. My favorite new thing that I tried were the lettuce wraps. I definitely have a new favorite. It was really fun to be able to cook with my family, something that doesn't happen a whole lot.

Oh! Make that 3 highlights of the weekend. I weighed in on Saturday and lost another 3 lbs. Which means I'm down 18.8 lbs....well on my way to my Disneyland goal! I'm excited to be dropping the weight, and I've been given some extra motivation to keep it going and see how much I can do each week. However, I still am not feeling like I'm losing weight. I'm not seeing it and the only difference I've noticed thus far is that my favorite pair of undies are a smidge too big now. Which is good...but still. I think this process is teaching me to have patience.

On other thoughts...I have also had a first hand experience as to how Satan works and why I struggle sometimes. I was studying some paperwork I received at church about parenting and our roles in the church and in our household, and was studying some scriptures that went with it. The further I got into it, the harder I had to focus on what I was studying and the more I was getting absolutely bombarded with thoughts like "This isn't true, this isn't worth the work. Whats going to happen when you are miserable trying to perfect yourself and you have nothing to show for it? This can't make you happy. This won't make you happy. It's too hard and not worth it." These thoughts were accompanied by some very suffocating feelings. This is truly the first time I've been able to seperate myself and see what is really going on. But I also read a good scripture during the course of these thoughts that pretty much stated that if we can truly have a change of heart and give our faith in Christ completely, the temptations and grief that Satan is giving will die down or cease completely. This gives me hope that I won't always have those intense badgering feelings if I can just get over this little stretch of road.

And lastly...Osama Bin Laden is dead. After 10 years he has been captured and is now dead. I'm happy that his reign of terror is now done, however I can't help but think that this will go one of two ways. Either Al Quida will disband without their fearless leader, or they will get really mad and take revenge on us. I have a feeling it will be the second option sadly, but I hope I'm wrong.