Sunday, June 14, 2009

Its been a month now....

This last month has been interesting. Its been a little over a month since I lost Grayson, and my feelings have been hard to sort out. The Monday after I lost him I was having a really hard time, I was feeling soo guilty for not keeping his body and for not having a proper funeral. There was soo much guilt because I hadn't spent more time with him or let the boys meet him even though I knew that would've been hard on them. So I tried to get his body back from the hospital, had the mortuary look into it for me as well, but it was too late. They had already taken care of him. Which is another thing I've been having a hard time with. What does "take care of him" mean? I know we don't have a baby burial ground or anything here, so what happened? I have this horrid picture in my mind that they tossed him in a red bio-bag, put him in a bio-bin and he sat down in the bio room until someone came to have him discarded of with all the other surgery bio, pathology bio, and anything else they throw in those bins. Its killing me to have that thought in the back of my head. I want to call the hospital and see how they take care of them, but at the same time, I don't know that I want to know. I should have kept him. I shouldn't have been tryin to disregard everything going on and shouldn't have been tryin to be tough, I should've broken down and just been. It makes me feel bad. But I've been tryin to move on. I got my memorial necklace on Friday and I love it, haven't taken it off since. So there are upsides and downsides....guess it will all work out in the end.

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