Nate Late Birthday

Nate had his very first friend birthday party yesterday and it went over pretty well I think. I was disorganized as always but things seemed enjoyable for everyone involved. Nate invited Trae and Gabe from next door to Grandpa and Grandma as well as his cousins here in town and Grandma. I was running late so everyone met us out at the bowling alley and we started bowling. I think everyone had a good time and after we were done, we went to my house to eat pizza and cake.
Nate also got a hampster named Bob for his christmas/birthday and is so very excited about him. He takes such good care of him and we all love him. Every night we have to say good night and incorporate him into our bedtime routine.
Anyway...still haven't figured out how to get pictures from my phone to my computer. I'll post pictures when I do.

Love...

Are we to love only those who deserve our love? Ye have heard that it hath been said thou shalt love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you love thy enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Heavenly Father, which art in heaven.

-Matthew 5:43-45

I don't know my scriptures well enough to have any idea if this is from LDS doctrine or not, but I saw it and loved it. Its a theory I need to take into my own life. Definitely thought provoking eh?

On a new kick

I have had some interesting thought provoking experiences the last probably two weeks. Its causing me to think.

My brothers stuff and all that was involved with that,

a conversation with the ex,

watching Eat Pray Love,

the whole Christmas season and seeing the sparse gifts under the tree,

and going to see True Grit with dad.

These have all brought on some interesting thoughts and some new found motivation for change. And I really don't like setting resolutions for New Years because they rarely come true. But it just so happens this motivation comes at this time of year. Anyway...what I hope to achieve in the coming months (not News Years resolutions...just goals):

-Put a couple dollars away every paycheck and truly start saving
-My dang eating healthier goal (I was doing good then got hindered by the holidays. Starting fresh now)
-Getting set right with my life
-Becoming more involved (not is a psycho way) with whats going on in my family
-Learning the concepts of the movie Eat Pray Love (I need to learn pretty much everything she learned on her trek I'm just not sure how. I'm sure it will come with these other goals and time)
- Get this dang divorce stuff finally handled and kids protected

I have already seen some improvements with some of my issues and feel I'm on a new path thats much better than where I was.

And every time I think I can't do it...I have visions of the unbathed monsterously huge white trash lady sitting on the front porch of a horribly run down house, smoking with beer in hand, watching 20 horribly dirty and unhealthy looking offspring run around the yard with the most recent boyfriend who also has smoke and beer in hand (I pass this household on my way home almost every day) and how I soooooo do not want to be like that ever.

So it gives me inspiration to trudge on and accomplish my goals for a better me and a better life or my kiddos.

And I can appreciate how far I've come from a year ago...

but life is all about change and I need to embrace that.

Things are constantly changing.

So am I.

Thought of the day

All of us at times might wish we lived in a more tranquil world, but we don't. And if our times are difficult and perplexing, so they are challenging and filled with opportunity.

-Robert Kennedy

Tis The Season

This was an enjoyable Christmas I think. On Friday, the boys and I ate eggs and toast for breakfast (rare...we usually eat cereal) and decorated Nate's cake. Then Uncle Scotty took Nate shopping for his birthday present. That was fun of course. The boys played a little while longer until it was time to go to the annual Carlile Christmas Eve Dinner. The company was fantastic...the food was super tasty and it was nice being able to just be.

The Christmas Brownie brought jammies to all the kids as well.

On the way home, Nate let me know that this was the best birthday ever.

I'm glad.

The boys were happy on Christmas morning with what Santa brought them (Santa was a slight bit nervous about the presents this year) and even happier to get all the goods at Grandma and Grandpas house. Nate and Ty went with their dad in the afternoon to do Christmas there. Ryder puked like 12 times and had just about as many diaper changes.

Poor kid didn't feel well. He finally went to sleep and we were going to go to the movie but the siblings one by one dropped out...so me and Dad went to True Grit. That was a great movie. I'd recommend it to everyone. When I got back, Ry was awake with Grandma and ready to go home.

After cleaning up the house a bit (more like cleaning a place to sit down haha) me and Ryder snuggled up on the couch and fell asleep watching Eat Pray Love (another movie I highly suggest).

It was a good holiday.

I took alot of pictures on my phone but have no idea how to get them from my phone to here so....such is life. Hopefully I'll figure it out soon so I can post soon.

I hope you all had a great and filling Christmas Season!

Merry Christmas!

I know I'm probably not going to be getting on here during the next like...5 days....I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I feel very blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people and I wish you all the best!

Santas Real!

A couple weeks ago we wrote letters to Santa and dropped them in the box at Lins. And then didn't think twice about it.

Well last night we got home and checked the mail and guess what was in there?
Santa Letters!

The boys were soooo excited that

a. they got mail and

b. they got mail from Santa!

You could tell for the most part they were form letters but they were all different and they mentioned some of the things the boys had asked for so it was great. They thought they were just the bees knees. It made me a little bit more excited about this whole Christmas thing.

So thank you to whomever is Santas helpers writing back to those kids...its soo worth it to see the joy it brought to my little boys.

Countdown to Christmas

The boys are counting the days. Its officially 4 days, 18 hours, 23 minutes and 44...43...42 seconds to Christmas. Just kidding I have no idea how long it is other than the day part. Their presents have started to roll in at work and I'm starting to feel it more and more. The weather is definitely helping since its cold and blustery (I kinda like cold and blustery). So today is a day to remember blessings.

-Blessed to be able to afford to live. Although its tight, and its not fantastically awesome to be poor...I do have enough to cover my bills and I'm grateful for that.
-Blessed to have a nice roof over my head. Its nice not having to watch the boys stomp and smash cockroaches...even if it does come with a higher rent tag.
-Blessed to have a car. Which I'm tryin to see the positives with right now since I'm pretty much just praying it lasts until taxes come back so I can buy a new one. Its a race against the clock. But at least I have a way of getting around.
-Blessed that I have a plan in place for me. I may not know what it is...but every time I start to doubt it I get a swift kick in the butt telling me just to have faith and things will work out. Also a swift kick saying to take care of business so it can work out. But all the same...I know he's there and loves me.

Bah Humbug

I for some reason have not been in the Christmasy mood this year. I've tried. But it hasn't worked. And its sad because this is the first Christmas Ryder has been super excited about and old enough to remember anything about. Nate and Tyler of course are very excited and even more excited they get to spend the time with me instead of their dad which is another reason I should be ecstatic. And I'm happy I get to spend that time with them of course but the holiday itself is just not feelin it for me.
So I'm listening to Christmas music in hopes of a more Christmasy attitude and Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant has come on. The words are getting to me today which is funny because I don't know how many times I've sang that song and haven't thought twice. But these words are striking the heart...

"I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear.

In a world as cold as stone must I walk this path alone?

Be with me now.

Do you wonder as you watch my face if a wiser one should've had my place?

But I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan.

Help me be strong,

Help me be,

Help me."

Amen to that.

A Manly Man

I have decided I need a man. And not just any man. A manly man. He's got to be respectful, honest, trustworthy, romantic, kind, funny, good with kids (with good daddy potential of course), good to me, has a job, has a car, etc, etc, etc....the list is long. Which is probably why I haven't found anyone concrete yet. But I don't really want to settle. I did that once and ended up with the dude whos now quasi-married to a witch. Literally....she's a witch who practices witchcraft.

Yeah.

Not going to go down that path again.

But I'm starting to get more and more lonely as time passes.

And I had a realization today.

I think I have a tendancy to hold on to things because I have a fear of letting go. Not because I really like the subject matter, but because I'm not sure what I'd do without it and I've had it so long that it would feel wierd NOT to have it in my life.

I'm working on changing that too.

I think this new year is going to lead to some interesting changes and experiences for me. Hopefully good things will come out of it.

Oh How I Love My Kids

I have never claimed to be a good parent...if fact my kids trotted all through Lins yesterday chanting "Momma is mean....we have a mean momma". Yup I'm a mean momma. But its okay. Its good for them.

And my recent feat is bribing the boys to clean. I haven't had very much energy this last week so I told them if they helped me clean the house including their rooms and bathrooms they could have a treat. And I also knew I wouldn't be up for making dinner or going out again, so we stopped at Lins on the way home.

I told the boys they could choose a good ol' kids TV dinner or a lunchable or something for dinner then choose a treat but they couldn't eat it unless they helped clean, and if they didn't help clean I got to eat it.

So we pick out the dinner stuff and then I let them choose their treats. Ry decided on M&Ms, Tyler decided on Gummy Bears and my dear little Nate was indecisive. First he wanted Swedish Fish, but not the multi-colored, and they didn't have a little bag of "normal" ones so he decided on a giant super sized candy bar that I kiboshed real quick. I told him he had to hurry and he was semi-eyeing some of this

which makes me laugh cause he doesn't even like cotton candy. He then tried his best negotiation tactics and told me he would look at the candy bar selection up front while we were waiting to check out and that if he didn't want anything he would run back and get cotton candy. Images of candy crashing and shelves falling over came to my head. So once again had to kibosh his dream of wandering a big store alone and climbing 10 ft up the shelves to get cotton candy that was on the highest hook.

He told me he was okay with just choosing something from the front and as soon as we got there...he took a short 100000th of a second glance and decided on cotton candy. Too late. We were in line and people behind us. So then came the tantrum.

"But I WANT the cotton candy. I DON'T want anything there." I said too bad choose something here or get nothing at all...and unloaded my groceries. He throws more of a fit. I say more too bad. Finally the cashier is waiting and I tell him choose something now or forever hold your peace. Well....I almost had to drag a teary-eyed boy out the store because life was just not fair! And momma is mean! And he wanted cotton candy! Not stupid gum that he chose!

Oh well. It is what it is. Life went on. He got his gum. And after cleaning not another word was even mentioned about the cotton candy.

Yay I love being a momma sometimes. :)

Sigh...

I realized yesterday....that I am no longer as computer savvy as I had once thought. Thats what I get for attempting to be all jedi-awesome when it came to computers. Mine has crashed a couple times at work and once we got the okay to bill to our grant...I got a new computer. Its nice. I like it and I appreciate that we have the ability to do so. But I have issues. Its all the new stuff....and for like two hours yesterday I had no idea where my email was going. My inbox was open...emails popping up on my alerts....but they were hiding.

Seriously...no where to be found.

So I finally broke down and called the computer place begging for help. The guy linked up to my PC through Teamview and in about 2 seconds showed me where my emails were at. The inbox for this new email was just in a different spot.

DUR!

I also went to write up a draft letter in the new Word. And when I went to print...there was no "file" option. No print icon. Nothing to make it easy. Took me probably 20 minutes to figure out how to print the document.

Really?!

So...I'm eating my humble pie. I am not the hottie tottie computer savvy chicky-dee I once thought. I'm getting old and times...well...they are a changin'. Sigh.

But life goes on. And so will I. I'm sure I'll adapt and regain my former jedi status....and then eat more humble pie when things update again.

Thus a world of constant change.

I'll Tell You What

I have learned alot these last couple days. I need to share my gratitude. So here are my thoughts today.

-My brother is amazing. He has taught me alot about his character and about things I need to start doing in my own life before a tragedy occurs to knock some sense into me. Its been an eye opening experience for sure. He's handled things soo differently than I probably would've and it makes me want to do better.

-My family. I say it often but I couldn't ask for a better family. I really couldn't. To see everyone so supportive of each other has been amazing. Prayers and miracles are flying everywhere and I if there was ever a time that I doubted the power of prayer that has been completely abolished. They do get answered and miracles do happen.

-My work and clients. The amount of support I and my family have recieved from them has been amazing. I am soo grateful to work in such a supportive place and to work with such great people. I truly feel blessed.

-My ward. I know. I used to really not like going and would dodge out. But with this new bishopric things have changed immensely. They have opened their arms to me and made me feel welcome, something I haven't had since I moved there.

-My kids. I have realized that as much as I love my kids I haven't been making them a priority, and that is going to change. There are some big things that are going to be put in play to protect them and make sure that their interests are met and not just the selfish interests of the other party involved. No more being a pushover. It's time to stretch out the claws. Phew this is going to be a hard experience but it needs to be done.

I have no idea if anyone even pays attention to these posts but I've heard that more people than I realize follow what goes on with my little family. So I thank you all for the kindness and support I've been given through my ups and downs and am grateful to you all too.

Have a great day!

An Eventful Week

This last week has definitely been eventful. Very eventful. The trip to DC was fun. The classes were not what I expected and were not my favorite of all the classes I've ever taken, but it was still a good experience. Monday night we decided to hire a driver to take us around to the monuments. That was such a fun time and our driver was great. His name was Rudy. And we must have been memorable cause we saw him the next day and he honked his horn at us. The rest of the week kind of whizzed by. Wednesday we went to the reception at the hotel which was nice. I had a stalker girl there that we kept having to dodge. But it was okay. Thursday we took the free shuttle to Union Station and had such a good time there. The food was cheap and good and the stores were fun to look at. Friday everyone left and I was alone so I just stayed in my room.
Then I came home to the family issues going on and that has taken a little bit of time to sink in. But I just want both parties involved to know that I love you both. I'm not one to take sides and I will love and support both of you and your family and do what I can to make this whole transitition process alot easier. There have been several miracles and blessings answered this weekend personally and for the family and I attribute it to this experience so as hard as it is for everyone, we are all being blessed for it as well.

Small Blessings

I am going to be rather busy today so I am not going to write alot but I just wanted to express my gratitude for small blessings. Today...it goes to my daycare. They have been absolutely wonderful to my boys and to me just as they are. But they go above and beyond constantly. Yesterday, I got a statement from them because the state had not been paying for Nate to be there the small amount of time he is there. It wasn't much comparatively speaking...$167 for the month of November and December, but they also gave me all sorts of discounts and such which dropped it to that. It would've been much more. So today I was talking to Ms B and she said not to pay that right now because she wants to talk to the state and see whats up. She doesn't want to put me in a financial bind right before Christmas. This is a small blessing because even though that really isn't a whole lot compared to what I would be paying without state help, its quite a big chunk out of my take home pay. So there is blessing number 1.
Second blessing from them...she asked me if it would be okay for her to submit my name to her church for a Christmas basket. She said she didn't by any means want me to think she assumed I was too poor for Christmas or anything, but she knows I'm a single mom and am trying to make it on my own and really wanted to help. And since our daycare is in the church, the congretation really loves those little kids and really try to intertwine themselves when they can. I wanted to cry. This is such a blessing and will help out immensely considering we are tight on money right now.
I never really realize how much people care and how much people truly think about us and our situation. I feel very blessed and appreciative...and hope I can give back somehow as well.
On a different note, since today is Friday and I will be gone all next week I do not know if I will be posting. I may...but if not...I hope everyone has a great week next week and I'll talk to you all soon!

Its December!

So yesterdays post was a lil...well...down in the dumps I think. I actually had a really good day...I just needed to get some things off my chest.

Anyway on to happier things today!

I cannot believe its already December! This year has flown by. As a trainer of mine would say...just wave your hand back and go "phoosh!" and thats how quick it has been.

It is kind of funny to think of last year compared to this year. Last year I felt like I was totally down in that poor white trash girl mode and was just trying to claw my way out to a better situation.

This year...I'm still kinda there but have stretched above the white trash line...so I'm officially just a poor white girl. Woot Woot! Hehe.

I really am just grateful to have so many blessings. I have a nice home, a great job, awesome kids, a wonderful family, sweet friends... I've met some awesome people and built some good, lasting friendships and ya know...what more could I ask for (besides a million dollars)? I have been blessed and I am truly grateful.

Here are best wishes for a great December, Happy Holidays, and a great New Year!

Reality Check (and venting/apology/humble pie post...and its long sorry)

I just got to say...I am soo tired of seeing people use the system. Whether it be lazy folks or illegals or just straight up moochers...Bah! Really?!

This may sound strange coming from me considering I myself recieve government help. I get state paid childcare, medicaid and food stamps. And I'm grateful the help is there....but I'm not proud of the fact I need to use these resources. But without them, I would be starving and homeless.

Literally.

For example, to put all the boys on my insurance would cut down my take home pay by a couple hundred/month. As it stands, if I had to pay my daycare out of pocket it would leave me with $100 a month for everything else in my life...so if we go off of my homeless scenerio and take a couple hundred out for insurance, I wouldn't be able to even pay my entire daycare bill. So yeah. And...with all those other pieces into play...we would obviously have no food and would starve.

So I am grateful these resources are here for people who truly need them and wouldn't survive without them.

But.

I get soo frustrated when I see or hear of people using the system. They feel entitled to recieve the assistance instead of humbled at the fact they have to even apply. And they are the reason that people using these resources get a bad name. I mean really?

Reality check folks!

On this same note, here is my reality check. Due to happenings in my life in the last year or so I have gotten some huge reality checks of my own that are not always positive. So here goes.

I really and truly hope nobody has the opinion that I am a moocher or entitled to anything. And I know a couple people that probably do and it breaks my heart.

So here are my feelings in a nutshell (its a big nut...).

I do not feel entitled to get help. I do not like to ask for help in pretty much any situation because I don't want to seem like a moocher or inadequate (which I am fully aware is retarded in certain situations and it has been detrimental to me sadly).

But I really do try to be an honest person in every situation. I know that sometimes the way I react to things can make it appear otherwise but I don't show my emotions well and I will put on a happy face before I show anyone I feel bad or am mad. Thats just how I am. If I mess something up...I'm not going to be overly dramatic about it. I say shoot sorry, give a smile, and try not to let it affect my day too much. And then lose a ton of sleep that night because I can't stop thinking about it and can't stop racking my brain to find ways to make the situation better. I wish I was different. I'd love to be more outgoing and be more outward with my feelings and I've tried, but it hasn't worked.

I just feel like a retard and I'm sure I look like a retard when I do try. So I'm truly sorry to anyone who has been offended by me or have gotten the impression that I don't care. I do very much. I just don't show it well.

Also, I am forgetful. Very forgetful.

If I was supposed to do something but have lots and lots on my plate as it is, I most likely will forget. I have sticky notes everywhere in my office and reminders that pop up on my calender. At home I stick everything on the fridge so I remember when stuff is and have alerts on my phone to remind me.

This one makes me feel the worst by far due to the not wanting to be a moocher...but I'm horrible at remembering to pay people back. I get busy with kids and life and honestly forget to grab money. (I'm the same way with my bills...before I had a budget system set up I would constantly forget what bills to pay when). I know its horrible and it makes me look bad and I hate that...but its true. And that is why I really try to stay self sufficient and pay for stuff as it comes along, but I don't always have that luxury. So please...don't just assume I'm a moocher who doesn't want to pay back. I honestly forget and it doesn't hurt my feelings to be reminded, I'd prefer it so that I can remain honest in my dealings.

So why am I saying all this stuff? Well here it is. I have made alot of mistakes in my life. I have hurt people throughout my life that care about me and I feel horrid about it. I would hope that I've improved and progressed since those days (I feel like I have to a degree)...but I know I have some annoying character traits that alot of people misunderstand and I totally see why they would, because I would misunderstand if I didn't know what was going on in my own head. So I'm clarifying just merely because I have eaten a bite of humble pie and hope people will understand my thought processes as well. And I hope it doesn't come off as me being self centered or self righteous...

I just want people to know that I do care. I really do care.

I really try to be a good person but I know that I suck at showing that and I can come off as careless. And I apologize. I'm eating my slice of humble pie and I hope anyone that has ever been offended by me or hurt by me can eventually accept my apology.