Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Reality Check (and venting/apology/humble pie post...and its long sorry)

I just got to say...I am soo tired of seeing people use the system. Whether it be lazy folks or illegals or just straight up moochers...Bah! Really?!
This may sound strange coming from me considering I myself recieve government help. I get state paid childcare, medicaid and food stamps. And I'm grateful the help is there....but I'm not proud of the fact I need to use these resources. But without them, I would be starving and homeless.
For example, to put all the boys on my insurance would cut down my take home pay by a couple hundred/month. As it stands, if I had to pay my daycare out of pocket it would leave me with $100 a month for everything else in my if we go off of my homeless scenerio and take a couple hundred out for insurance, I wouldn't be able to even pay my entire daycare bill. So yeah. And...with all those other pieces into play...we would obviously have no food and would starve.
So I am grateful these resources are here for people who truly need them and wouldn't survive without them.
I get soo frustrated when I see or hear of people using the system. They feel entitled to recieve the assistance instead of humbled at the fact they have to even apply. And they are the reason that people using these resources get a bad name. I mean really?
Reality check folks!
On this same note, here is my reality check. Due to happenings in my life in the last year or so I have gotten some huge reality checks of my own that are not always positive. So here goes.
I really and truly hope nobody has the opinion that I am a moocher or entitled to anything. And I know a couple people that probably do and it breaks my heart.
So here are my feelings in a nutshell (its a big nut...).
I do not feel entitled to get help. I do not like to ask for help in pretty much any situation because I don't want to seem like a moocher or inadequate (which I am fully aware is retarded in certain situations and it has been detrimental to me sadly).
But I really do try to be an honest person in every situation. I know that sometimes the way I react to things can make it appear otherwise but I don't show my emotions well and I will put on a happy face before I show anyone I feel bad or am mad. Thats just how I am. If I mess something up...I'm not going to be overly dramatic about it. I say shoot sorry, give a smile, and try not to let it affect my day too much. And then lose a ton of sleep that night because I can't stop thinking about it and can't stop racking my brain to find ways to make the situation better. I wish I was different. I'd love to be more outgoing and be more outward with my feelings and I've tried, but it hasn't worked.
I just feel like a retard and I'm sure I look like a retard when I do try. So I'm truly sorry to anyone who has been offended by me or have gotten the impression that I don't care. I do very much. I just don't show it well.
Also, I am forgetful. Very forgetful.
If I was supposed to do something but have lots and lots on my plate as it is, I most likely will forget. I have sticky notes everywhere in my office and reminders that pop up on my calender. At home I stick everything on the fridge so I remember when stuff is and have alerts on my phone to remind me.
This one makes me feel the worst by far due to the not wanting to be a moocher...but I'm horrible at remembering to pay people back. I get busy with kids and life and honestly forget to grab money. (I'm the same way with my bills...before I had a budget system set up I would constantly forget what bills to pay when). I know its horrible and it makes me look bad and I hate that...but its true. And that is why I really try to stay self sufficient and pay for stuff as it comes along, but I don't always have that luxury. So please...don't just assume I'm a moocher who doesn't want to pay back. I honestly forget and it doesn't hurt my feelings to be reminded, I'd prefer it so that I can remain honest in my dealings.
So why am I saying all this stuff? Well here it is. I have made alot of mistakes in my life. I have hurt people throughout my life that care about me and I feel horrid about it. I would hope that I've improved and progressed since those days (I feel like I have to a degree)...but I know I have some annoying character traits that alot of people misunderstand and I totally see why they would, because I would misunderstand if I didn't know what was going on in my own head. So I'm clarifying just merely because I have eaten a bite of humble pie and hope people will understand my thought processes as well. And I hope it doesn't come off as me being self centered or self righteous...
I just want people to know that I do care. I really do care.
I really try to be a good person but I know that I suck at showing that and I can come off as careless. And I apologize. I'm eating my slice of humble pie and I hope anyone that has ever been offended by me or hurt by me can eventually accept my apology.

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