Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Memorial Day Weekend

So I'm using a draft of a previous blog cause I realized, I didn't say anything about Memorial Day. I posted some pics, but didn't actually write about my experience. We went over the weekend and it was soo much fun. I always look forward to my trips up there to see my dad's side of the family. They are soo sweet, and always soo kind and accepting. I really do love them with all my heart. Although we did the typical deal of visiting the different gravesites and then having lunch at the BurgerMiester in Midway. Except its not BurgerMeister anymore! But the food was still amazing and we were in very good company.

I didn't really realize the importance of Memorial Day previous to this year, always thought it was a good time to see my Dad's side of the family and pay respects and so on. Well, it wasn't until we were at the Heber Cemetery and this sweet man thats there every year started playing Amazing Grace on the bagpipes.

All I could think about was all the regret of not burying Grayson and having a place to go pay my respects and I had to walk away from the group so I could compose myself. I have to find some way to save some money so I can get a plot and headstone, even though it will be empty, at least I will have a place to remember him. And maybe as ideas are flowing I can create a place for others to visit who were in my situation and couldn't afford to have a funeral for their little one or made what they felt a wrong decision in a tough time like me. Its going to be a long journey. But I've got to do something to give Grayson the respect he deserves, in his short life he taught me a lot, he needs somewhere to be remembered. So back to Memorial Day, this one is definitely one I'm going to remember, not because there was anything bigger than normal that happened, but because it was the first one that had real true meaning to me.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

More Grad Pics

The boys all doin their thing....except no one is lookin at my camera!

Nate and his bud Jake

Nates class walkin in...only part of it though.

Ryder was dorkin it up big time! lol so cute.

One of the cute songs they sang.

My Baby is Growin Up!

Tonight was Nate's kindergarten graduation, and it was soo cute! The teachers did a wonderful job putting it all together. Mrs. Ekker and Mrs. Woods classes started at the back of the room, and they walked up to the front of the room, to the stage, dancing to the song "Celebrations." Then they got up there and did quite a few musical numbers and said their little poems and whatnot. Nate said his favorite song was the one about ice cream, and I agree, it was super cute. All of the songs were a good pick though. Nate is such a goofball, he was behaving, but you could tell he was tryin to get a smile outta someone, whoever it may be. It was really funny to watch. Man my little guy is growing up! It's unbelieveable but true. I love him soo much, and hope all my kids know I love them with all my heart and soul. It really was a good way to round out the night.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mothers Day!

I was really dreading today, but it actually turned out to be a really nice day. I walked to church this morning, which was really refreshing. I was late, but the talks were really good, obviously about mothers and of course you got to love the chocolate they give at the end. Ryder went to nursery today for the first time too....and I didn't have to stay at all! He stayed all by himself and they didn't have to come get me either. It was really kind of strange, though, cause I'm used to being with him and taking care of him throughout all of church. But it was a good break too. The lesson in relief society was a good one, and Sister Foster gave a scenerio the first part of the lesson about a lost child. It really hit my heart. But the hardest part of the whole deal was the closing song in relief society, Sweet Hour of Prayer. I've always loved that song, but never really listened to the words until today and it made me tear up alittle, just thinking about my struggles for the past couple days.
Then tonight the family got together for family dinner. I think Sunday dinner is probably my favorite thing in the whole week. We all get together and get to spend time together, and I really love that. It always feels like something is missing when for some reason we can't do our Sunday dinner. We didn't do anything too fancy, just ate some sandwiches and chips and potato salad, but it was such a good time. Afterwards we all went on a walk on the canyon trail, but on the part thats by the memorials. I hadn't ever walked on that part, and it was really nice. The boys were on their bikes with Scott and Betsy and the rest of us were walking. It was such a nice and peaceful day. When we got home my favorite part of the day started. The boys calmed down and got into their jammies, brushed teeth, and we cuddled and talked about our day and their weekend. I love our wind down time so much. So all in all this mothers day was definitely more difficult than any other ones I've had, but it was also a very peaceful and pleasant day for me as well. I am soo thankful for my wonderful family and all the love and support they have given me throughout my entire life. I have put them through so much, and they have stood by my side in every way. I can only hope I will be able to do the same if the time ever comes that they need the support as well.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Baby Grayson

The last couple of days have definitely been tough, and I keep hearing that if you write down things that happened that it might help the healing process and who knows, might help someone else down the road. So I'm going to share the experiences of the last couple days and hopefully it will help. I'm also going to be doing another blog sometime down the road as more of a memorial, but decided to do this first more for my own feelings that anything else.

So it all started about a week ago when I went into an ultrasound and found out that the baby I was pregnant with had an enlarged stomach and fluid around its kidneys. My doc didn't know what was wrong and set up an appointment for me to see a specialist, whom I saw yesterday. When I got there, the nurses took me back to the ultrasound room and started doing the measurements and whatnot. It was a little eery for me because usually with the ultrasounds they turn on the sound and listen to the heartbeat, but there was just silence. When the nurse got done, she told me she was going to get the specialist in and have him go over some things with me. He started looking at the baby, and turned to me and said "I am really sorry, but I have some really bad news for you. The heart on your baby has stopped." I didn't know what to think, and just kind of sat there for a minute. They were all very sweet and gave me time alone to let things sink in and digest. On my way home I called Dr. Gatherum and he said for me to go in to the hospital that night at 6 and they would induce me. All of this was really scary and confusing. I wasn't sure what to feel or think. So I kept myself occupied by setting things up with work and with the boys so that they would be taken care of. My mom was wonderful and arranged for them to stay with my sister-in-laws so she could be with me at the hospital.

When we got to the hospital they had already prepared everything for my stay and took me back to my room. Dr. Gatherum came in and gave me the medicine to put my body into labor and from there it was just a waiting game. It still didn't seem real to me until I started feeling the pressure and the contractions and knew that the time was coming close. My mom stayed with me as support, as well as my good friend Michelle, who I can't thank enough for the company. Around 10 pm I really started feeling the pain coming and going, and it was almost unbearable. As time went on it got worse, and by 11:30 I had a feeling it was coming soon. Then all of a sudden I could feel the pressure and told the nurses I was really close and felt the need to push, so they went to get some pain meds and to call Dr. Gatherum. As they left, I could feel him coming down and told my mom to get the nurses, he was coming. As she left the room, I was alone and knew I couldn't stop it, it was too late. I could feel him in the room with me. Its hard to explain but I knew his spirit was there with me and it stayed with me for quite some time. All I could do was cry. My mom came back in and saw me crying, with this sweet little baby laying on the bed below me. The nurses rushed in shortly after and saw him there...and waited with me until Dr. Gatherum got there to cut the cord and move him. The nurses were so sweet, they bundled him up for me and let my mom and I hold him, and also took some pictures for me. As soon as I saw him I knew his name was Grayson. I didn't know why, I hadn't even considered that for a name, but just felt very strongly thats what it needed to be. The hardest part came next. *This is the girly part so if there are any queezy guys readin feel free to skip over it* The placenta would not come out. Dr. Gatherum tried for about an hour and a half, using some agressive measures to try to get it out and it wouldn't come. They were about to take me to surgery when he finally was able to manuvuer his way in and get it. He did a D & C on me then to make sure there was nothing left. This was soo painful, it hurt more than the actual labor but the nurse stood by me the whole time holding my hand. The ordeal was finally over and we were all tired and worn out.

The next morning was really hard. My mom left to go to her work and I tried my hardest to sleep but couldn't. Nurses were coming in and out and so was Dr. Gatherum, so I gave up on my sleep. I was soo grateful when my mom came back in to check on me. I also got an outpouring of love and support from so many of my friends texting to see if I was ok and making sure everything was good. Sweet Lisa Allred who I work with came in to see me and visit, bless her heart. Then my good friend Staci and her husband Jarrod came as well. They are so dear to me and have been so kind and supportive through all of this, there's no way I am ever going to be able to repay them for their kindness. I decided to give him a name and blessing, so when they left, my dad and brother Scott came in to do that for me, as well and my mom and brothers wife, Betsy. This was probably one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had. I watched my father and Scott give this sweet little baby a beautiful blessing, asking for him to be watched over and taken care of until I could be with him again. I could truly feel the love in that prayer and the love in their hearts as they did this, and knew he was there with us. After that I had some pictures taken by a photographer her who does loss photos and then was able to get some rest until it was time to leave.

I think through this whole thing, it has made me a stronger person and made me realize what I truly want for myself in my life. I really want to be able to be the person who will be able to meet my son when the time comes and need to strive to do that. So that was my experience. Thank you again to everyone who has been so supportive and kind to me, everyone at both the places I work and my family and friends. You have all taught me the meaning of love and kindness. I dont know how I will ever repay you for everything you have done, you are truly special souls to me.