Baby Grayson

The last couple of days have definitely been tough, and I keep hearing that if you write down things that happened that it might help the healing process and who knows, might help someone else down the road. So I'm going to share the experiences of the last couple days and hopefully it will help. I'm also going to be doing another blog sometime down the road as more of a memorial, but decided to do this first more for my own feelings that anything else.

So it all started about a week ago when I went into an ultrasound and found out that the baby I was pregnant with had an enlarged stomach and fluid around its kidneys. My doc didn't know what was wrong and set up an appointment for me to see a specialist, whom I saw yesterday. When I got there, the nurses took me back to the ultrasound room and started doing the measurements and whatnot. It was a little eery for me because usually with the ultrasounds they turn on the sound and listen to the heartbeat, but there was just silence. When the nurse got done, she told me she was going to get the specialist in and have him go over some things with me. He started looking at the baby, and turned to me and said "I am really sorry, but I have some really bad news for you. The heart on your baby has stopped." I didn't know what to think, and just kind of sat there for a minute. They were all very sweet and gave me time alone to let things sink in and digest. On my way home I called Dr. Gatherum and he said for me to go in to the hospital that night at 6 and they would induce me. All of this was really scary and confusing. I wasn't sure what to feel or think. So I kept myself occupied by setting things up with work and with the boys so that they would be taken care of. My mom was wonderful and arranged for them to stay with my sister-in-laws so she could be with me at the hospital.

When we got to the hospital they had already prepared everything for my stay and took me back to my room. Dr. Gatherum came in and gave me the medicine to put my body into labor and from there it was just a waiting game. It still didn't seem real to me until I started feeling the pressure and the contractions and knew that the time was coming close. My mom stayed with me as support, as well as my good friend Michelle, who I can't thank enough for the company. Around 10 pm I really started feeling the pain coming and going, and it was almost unbearable. As time went on it got worse, and by 11:30 I had a feeling it was coming soon. Then all of a sudden I could feel the pressure and told the nurses I was really close and felt the need to push, so they went to get some pain meds and to call Dr. Gatherum. As they left, I could feel him coming down and told my mom to get the nurses, he was coming. As she left the room, I was alone and knew I couldn't stop it, it was too late. I could feel him in the room with me. Its hard to explain but I knew his spirit was there with me and it stayed with me for quite some time. All I could do was cry. My mom came back in and saw me crying, with this sweet little baby laying on the bed below me. The nurses rushed in shortly after and saw him there...and waited with me until Dr. Gatherum got there to cut the cord and move him. The nurses were so sweet, they bundled him up for me and let my mom and I hold him, and also took some pictures for me. As soon as I saw him I knew his name was Grayson. I didn't know why, I hadn't even considered that for a name, but just felt very strongly thats what it needed to be. The hardest part came next. *This is the girly part so if there are any queezy guys readin feel free to skip over it* The placenta would not come out. Dr. Gatherum tried for about an hour and a half, using some agressive measures to try to get it out and it wouldn't come. They were about to take me to surgery when he finally was able to manuvuer his way in and get it. He did a D & C on me then to make sure there was nothing left. This was soo painful, it hurt more than the actual labor but the nurse stood by me the whole time holding my hand. The ordeal was finally over and we were all tired and worn out.

The next morning was really hard. My mom left to go to her work and I tried my hardest to sleep but couldn't. Nurses were coming in and out and so was Dr. Gatherum, so I gave up on my sleep. I was soo grateful when my mom came back in to check on me. I also got an outpouring of love and support from so many of my friends texting to see if I was ok and making sure everything was good. Sweet Lisa Allred who I work with came in to see me and visit, bless her heart. Then my good friend Staci and her husband Jarrod came as well. They are so dear to me and have been so kind and supportive through all of this, there's no way I am ever going to be able to repay them for their kindness. I decided to give him a name and blessing, so when they left, my dad and brother Scott came in to do that for me, as well and my mom and brothers wife, Betsy. This was probably one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had. I watched my father and Scott give this sweet little baby a beautiful blessing, asking for him to be watched over and taken care of until I could be with him again. I could truly feel the love in that prayer and the love in their hearts as they did this, and knew he was there with us. After that I had some pictures taken by a photographer her who does loss photos and then was able to get some rest until it was time to leave.

I think through this whole thing, it has made me a stronger person and made me realize what I truly want for myself in my life. I really want to be able to be the person who will be able to meet my son when the time comes and need to strive to do that. So that was my experience. Thank you again to everyone who has been so supportive and kind to me, everyone at both the places I work and my family and friends. You have all taught me the meaning of love and kindness. I dont know how I will ever repay you for everything you have done, you are truly special souls to me.