Studying Abroad



Ahhh the lovely Ireland

 One of my required courses in college is an Experimental Education course where you look into different "engagements" and explore the options that are open to you. As part of the overall points (....this course has 3 parts that run your entire schooling career) you have to plan, propose, and follow through with an idea. It could be something local or you could get really brave and go elsewhere.But, you have no direction. No rules. You have to decide. So to get started, the instructors what you to become familiar with whats available to you. So they have these "engagements" that you study one at a time. The first one unlocked today and it is the Global Engagement Module. In this module, you have to study the options that are available....you guessed it....globally. As I was researching, I couldn't help but feel a little sting of pain that I will most likely never get to experience going international.
I had the opportunity to do European tour as part of the Ambassadors of Music that I got nominated into in high school. That would've been my dream. The summer before my senior year, I attended the big announcement of that tour and I was determined to come up with the $1200(ish...can't remember exactly) to be able to go. However...that is also the summer I stupidly got pregnant and missed my senior year, graduating early at the adult education school. Obviously, international travel is frowned upon when pregnant, so that was a dream that flew away.
Do I resent having kids? Not in the least. I love my kids more than anything and I wouldn't trade them for the world. However, there are times that I wonder how my life would've been different had I followed the more "normal" path of life that one generally leads. What would've happened had I gone to Europe? How would my life be different had I gotten to attend my senior year? I missed out on prom, and pretty much every other formal dance during school. I missed the senior trip, painting the C, and loads of other fun stuff that happens when your a senior. I missed being a giddy little freshman at a new school experiencing "grown up" time and responsibilities. I also missed a missionary who I had written while he was on his mission...and who had come to see me when he returned home. Of course by then, I was married and had a baby. What would my life be like now had all of that worked differently than it did?
This brings me to studying abroad. As I mentioned before, a big part of this course is planning and actually accomplishing a goal. Which means that the resources for students who choose to plan their project under the Global Engagement Center are opened up and they will have the opportunities to complete their project. Some have gone to China to teach english, some to Africa for humanitarian services. Some just simply study a semester in another country for the learning and growth that it would bring to them personally. As I looked at the list of countries and universities that were partnered with SUU, that sinking feeling of what if came rolling back. What if I had waited on marriage and kids? What if I was just single little me with not a care in the world? I would totally be able to fulfill my dream of going abroad. One of the major universities that is partnered up is in Ireland. Can I just say that Ireland is one of my top 5 places to visit before I die? Another is in France. Yet another of my top 5 places to visit. And another? Italy. One of my top 3 places to visit before I die. I am feeling the ache of accepting the consequences of my actions.
Are those consequences for the most part wonderful and amazing? Of course...my kids are the highlight of my day every single day. I miss them like crazy while I'm working and can't wait to see them afterwards...even if they do drive me crazy alot of the time. However...being responsible for their care and well-being prevents me from being able to just pick up and leave....so when opportunities like this are dangled in front of me I can't help but feel a little twinge of ache for what may have been. 

An Awakening of Sorts

I had an awakening yesterday at approximately 3:37 pm. This is the moment that I realized how niave and stupid I have been in regards to my ex-husband. Because he has been in default with the courts, his visitation got taken away. Not by my actions, but by his. And not by me...by the judge. Except that is NOT what he is telling his family. Ohhhhhh no and I learned that the hard way yesterday afternoon. My ex father-in-law (FIL) called to see if it was okay that he take the kids for the weekend. I am not one who will punish them for their sons actions, so I was fine with that but I wanted to make sure it was okay with my boys. So I called daycare and talked to them and they didn't want to go. We are having a sleepover this weekend with friends and they didn't want to cancel. So... I call the ex FIL back and told them that we were busy this weekend but maybe next weekend. He paused...slowly said ok and there was an awkward silence. I felt like they needed to know the rules of the no visitation so I started to explain and I got as far as "his visitation has been revoked..." and I got "NO IT HAS NOT! YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT! YOU NEED TO PULL YOUR BLEEPITY HEAD OUT OF YOUR BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP AND QUIT LYING!" (caps because he was literally yelling at me). I try to explain I am not the one who took it away, the courts did for non-compliance and was answered with "YOU NEED TO QUIT LYING AND BEING A BLEEPITY BLEEP!" at this point I was trying to explain the situation and I have no idea what he was saying because he was yelling over everything I had to say but there were sure alot of BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! word said. And then he hung up on me.

Now. I know that my ex had told the new girlfriends family some major lies about me, because they have stopped my family around town and cornered them about it (oh the joys of living in a small town). I have no idea why I ever thought he wasn't telling his OWN family all these lies as well, but I figured he was trying to treat me with respect. I've been very accomodating. He's been able to see the kids whenever he wants, he hasn't paid a lick of child support in almost 4 years, my family has gone out their way to be respectful of him and his family (which is not the case on with his side of the family) and not once have I said a mean thing about him in front of my kids or to my kids or family. I've gone out of my way to make this whole seperation/divorce process as smooth as possible so the kids didn't get thrown in the middle and get screwed up for life. I've been paying every cent of the legal fees, filing fees, etc not to mention taking care of our kids by myself.

So what does this mean to me? I feel stupid for ever thinking that he would be respectful of me. I feel stupid that I trusted him. I guess more than anything I feel betrayed. Why? I don't know. Our entire marriage was full of lies and him cheating on me numerous times....and for some reason I figured that would change? I still haven't figured out why exactly I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

What have I learned from this? I'm no longer going to be bending over backwards to make this an easy process. His dad kicked me straight back into reality and although I will still be respectful (I refuse to sink myself to his level) I will no longer be so accomodating and nice. I will not go out of my way for him and I will no longer let things slide (like child support). I'm done. And that goes for his family too. Its a hard lesson of life for me to learn, thats for sure. But I am no longer going to be the nice guy. Respectful? Yes. But no longer nice.

Divorced Parenting

Last night I attended the Divorce Education class for divorced parents. I was not very happy about going. Really...we've worked out a decent parenting plan that seems to work okay (for the most part) and taking a class on it seemed ridiculous, but whatever. Did I mention it was supposed to be $35 and jumped to $55? And it was supposed to be from 5:30 - 8:00 and instead went from 6:00 - 9:00? And when I got there the teacher didn't have the keys to the building anyway so we were running like 20 minutes late? Yeah. I wasn't a happy camper.

But.

The first part was actually pretty informative. I really and truly got alot out of it. It helped to understand how kids handled being in two homes. The book was more informative than the teacher unfortunately....since he was an odd duck who kept emphasizing making sure your kids don't get hit by cars. But the book is great. One part I really liked was on Anger. One particular part was the Rules For Anger. You cannot hurt yourself, hurt others, and you cannot destroy things. So what can you do? It gives tips on how to identify the underlying issue of the anger to resolve those feelings, or come up with safe ways to manage the anger.

The other part I sooo wish my ex (who was supposed to be there but didn't go) would've been there for was the whole don't talk bad about your ex spouse in front of your kids, because they are apart of both of you and will feel like your talking bad about them too. I've asked them if their dad says mean things about me and they say yes, as does his new girlfriend. Her more than him. Its kind of sad to me, because I've done what I could to make the relationship go as smoothly as possible so it hurts that he has the audacity to do that. But also helps me see that I'm being entirely too nice to him. Not that I will talk bad or anything, but I'm taking his feelings into consideration when he's not doing the same, when I should be looking out for whats best for my family.
And that child support and money are not tied together, unless the person paying child support isn't paying. If thats the case, they probably shouldn't be seeing the kids.

It was good. I'm kind of happy I went. And a really cute guy sat by me in class which was even better. Although he kept saying he wanted to go have a beer afterwards so he isn't my type of guy. But at least he was cute and proved to help time go by alot quicker.

random

I am having a bit of a mental block today as to what I should write. I want to write something....I just dunno what. So I guess its one of those days I just type and see what comes of it.

I am starting to get more and more excited about my weight loss. I think the fear I had of losing weight is starting to subside. Yes...I had fear. I feared I'd have a fat tongue (like on Click, the extra skin that won't shrink) that people would realize I am fat (duh...cause thats not obvious at all), that I would fail, all sorts of random wierd things. But I'm getting over that now. I'm excited to start feeling good in my own skin finally. I'm also rather excited for Disneyland. My savings goals and my weight loss goals are NOT on track, but I'm working on it and I'm hoping things align a little better so that these can both be amped up. I have pretty much 2 1/2 months to get my butt in shape...and to get money saved up. Time to work on the discipline.

I have been struggling with how to offset what the boys are learning at their dads. Ty seems to be semi- immune to it all for now, but Nate has taken on some really bad habits that I need to curb. Attempting to curb them, however, is a hard thing to do. I guess just keep praying I'll figure something out and they won't be  too screwed up in the end. I do get to have them more often now though and that makes me happy.  Less time at their Dads house means more time in an (attempted) positive atmosphere.

Memorial day is coming and again I feel crappy that I don't have anywhere to memorialize Grayson. I guess we will see how the weekend goes. I'm excited I'll have my kiddos and look forward to having a good time, whatever we do.