This is going to be a long and boring post...but I've found that this blog is a good place for me to really think things through, and maybe my thought train might help someone else. I dunno. But I've been having a bit of an issue with some things lately, and I haven't quite known how to deal with them. One thing seems to affect the next thing going on and it has created a bit of a never-ending circle of Grrrr frustration. I have no idea where the circle starts, but I will start it at work.
I love my job, I love what I do. I feel like I can really make a difference in someones life. But I can also really screw up someones life. I feel like I'm holding a major part in my hands and I better not let them down. Which isn't good in this line of work because the final decision is not mine, and it can cause a lot of pressure. So mix that with being frustrated in my work surroundings because of my lack of confidence and communication skills and its a time bomb.
That in turn affects my ability to be a good parent. I come home frustrated and don't give my kids the attention they want. I'm not able to truly enjoy them, and I'm not patient with them.
This adds to my exhaustion which affects my home. If I'm tired, I don't want to clean, or prepare a big meal, or do laundry. So my home suffers.
Then I get feeling kind of sorry about myself and start into a pity party. Why does this happen to me, why do I have to have these trials? That leads to pent up feelings about losing Grayson. Again, why me? But more importantly, why him? Why did he have to suffer?
This leads to the final piece of the circle, which is my religion and beliefs. I start questioning what its all about. Why am I here? I know the answer deep down. I know what I need to be doing...so why aren't I doing it? Why aren't I living my life in a way that I can be with my family for eternity...to have the chance to be Graysons mother, to gain the unimaginable gifts and blessings that have been promised to me and my family if I do what I know I need to do? I'm lonely, and I know that I'm going to stay that way (companion-wise) until I change what I'm doing and live a more worthy life. I can feel this...I know that the person I'm meant to be with is waiting for me to come back. To embrace the gospel again. So why aren't I??
I know with all my heart that He wouldn't give me trials that I couldn't handle. And I know I'll get past all this someday. Hopefully sooner than later. But why is it that I know the steps to take, I know the path I want to go down, but for some reason something is holding me back? I know if I took even that one step...I would be able to do it. But that one little step is a HUGE leap of faith for me, and I honestly don't know if I know how to have faith anymore. Or if I ever did know how. There has been a fear instilled in me that I can't get past. I don't know why...and I know every day I'm getting closer to breaking that fear down, and just when I think I can do it...something comes along that tears me down and I'm back at square one. Why am I getting worked on so bad? I feel like Satan has picked me for his sole target and is throwing everything possible at me to get me to stay down. And its working. How do you get out of that cycle? I don't know. I think I have a lot of thinking and praying to do I think. Hopefully I can figure it out soon.