Fun weekend with the boys...kinda.

With Saturday being the 24th, Heidi decided to give us Friday off as well at work. I was of course super excited because that meant pretty much a whole day to spend with the boys! We loved our beach journey so much the first time that we went again. This time we lathered up in sunscreen though to avoid the heartache of sunburn we got last time. Well...the boys did. I didn't...and I'm feelin the heartache once again blah! But we had a blast. Nate and Tyler started playing with some kids that were there from daycare and were having fun, but when Tylers friend went home, he decided to go solo. Nate played with the older kids for awhile and Tyler actually found a new friend. He was soooo excited and kept telling me "Momma I got a new friend! And I like him!" It was cute. Ryder stayed with me for the most part but decided he kinda liked Tylers new friend too, so they all ended up playing together until it was time to go. Of course, it was like pulling teeth to get them to go home, but Dan was going to be there soon to pick up the older two so we had to split. The rest of the weekend was lazy re-coup. Me and Ry slept through the 24th breakfast at the 2nd ward AND slept through the parade. So...we just took a drive and cleaned the house. Church was really good Sunday too. I decided to try my old ward again and I don't know if it was just my change of heart or something different there, but I finally felt more welcome and it ended up being a great experience. And more people talked to me, which was even better! So all in all a great weekend!

Latest News

We have been having some fun lately...summer fever is getting to us. There is a new "Lake on the Hill" that is quickly becoming a favorite spot. The kids absolutely LOVE it there. We did suffer some major sunburns from it, except for Nate whos got the awesome skin of an indian I think but we still had a good time.

Nate has also been going to the dentist to get his teeth fixed. He is a trooper, with the amount of damage that was there he was really a tough kid and didn't cry at all. And everyone at that office LOVES him! They think he's the greatest kid in the world, and I have to agree. The last appointment they filled some cavities then had to do a pulpectomy (?) and he was there for about 3 hours. This next visit he is only getting two more cavities filled and spacers for his top teeth. He's pretty excited to go back, he likes it there too. So pics below were the last visit :)

Other than that we have been working and trudging along. Dad helped me build some bookcases that I LOVE for our living room, finally getting all the crap off the floor and contained. Its a dream come true I tell you! I'll post pics of that later.

I really appreciate my family and friends who have been here for us and stuck by us in tough times and fun times...we really appreciate the love and kindness thats been shown. I've been thinking bout that alot lately too (I know I've been thinking probably too much about EVERYTHING lately) and just wanted everyone to know we love you! Thanks it for now, I'll post more pics of our summer adventures later on.....hope everyone is having a good summer!

Phew What a Week!

This last week or so has been very busy. Fun...but busy. It kicked off on Saturday with hiking. Matthew and his "family" (the family he is staying with at the moment) invited me to breakfast and hiking. I normally don't do a whole lot on weekends, just because they are my designated clean/laundry days since I only have one monster around instead of three. But we gave in and went. We had a super yummy breakfast of french toast on homemade wheat bread and creme brulee. Then we all pitched in and made sandwiches for the hike. We went up to Kolob Canyon to check out a trail there, and when we got there I noticed the sign said it was a 5 mile round trip hike. Now this trail was the farthest thing from a stroller friendly trail, so we went as far as we could and had to turn around about a mile into it. Ry was getting tired. But...we did stop and play in the stream. There were skeets and tadpoles hanging out and Ry decided he LOVES tadpoles. Or apples as he likes to call them. And of course the rest of the family went ahead and hiked on...with the sandwiches, so we ended up going to Zions and eating there at the pizza place in Springville. It was good...except that previous to going iin Ry had puked all over. So we didn't stay long. Matthew had never been to Zions but it was busy, so we opted just to drive through the tunnel and head home. I could have sworn that tunnel came out near Kolob Canyon but boy was I wrong. I added like, 2 hours to our drive cause I thought I was a big smarty pants ha! And the whole ride home Ryder was sleeping, then puking, then sleeping again. Poor kid, we'd worked him too hard then rode in a toasty car. It was alot of fun though.
Sunday was a rest day. We didn't do a whole lot of anything because me and Ry were sooo worn out from the previous day but Monday was a blast. We woke up early and got ready for the parade. Betsy had worked it out with the officers to let us in on the street next to the police station right after they closed it off. And of course the parade was great. I found out Ryder LOVES firetrucks and we are going to have to take a visit to his uncle at the fire station soon. Then we headed to the park for lunch. This was also fun...we had Scott and Betsy and her family/friends, Valena and her family, and our family. The kids played in the water and had a big water fight. Ry didn't quite know what to do but ended up squirting himself several times instead of anyone else! It was great! :)
After the park, we went home and rested for awhile until Nate and Ty got home then went to our friends Tyler and Mandes house for dinner. That was a fun time...although I apologize again to them for being witchy...the boys always act up after coming home from their dads unfortunately and I wasn't handling it well. When our tummys were full we went out to the airport and met mom and dad there. My dad is the best. Those boys look up to him soo much and he goes right along with it. They stood up by the fence and chatted, looked at the airplanes, and finally watched the fireworks when they started. Watching the sillouettes of them was a very sweet thing for me. I don't know why...but it really touches my heart. My kids wouldn't be who they are without the help of my parents, they are amazing people. Anyway...So then went home and went to bed.
I was sooo behind on my work from missing a day so I tried to catch up on Tuesday but ended up having to go to St George for a workshop. That was actually a good thing, because I realized I do know what I'm talking about and had to correct alot of things the presenters said hehe. But I did it after so it wasn't disrespectful. :) Wednesday I had meetings up in SLC so woke up at 4 am to go to the airport and fly out. The cab driver when I got to the airport got lost and made me late to my meeting, which ended up being in a homeless shelter anyway and that was a bit scary ha! Then flew home and was so tired we all went to bed, but not before the kids showed off all their cool stuff that grandma had gotten them while at the Ren Faire. They had earned a trip since they cleaned their rooms while I was gone. And my parents tidied up my house...which I got to say I was sooo grateful for since I hadn't been able to give it a good clean the weekend before. I love my parents and that was just one more thing that edified those feelings. Not to mention the funny stories of my mom using my disposable toilet scrubbers to clean my stove, george foreman, sink and counters I believe... she didn't realize what they were until she had my dad go buy some...and they were in the toilet cleaner aisle hehe!
So this week has been very eventful. I'm happy for the weekend to be here so I can rest. And I get to keep my boys this weekend so thats even better! We are going to check out the July Jamboree and figure out something fun (and free since I'm poor haha!) to do.
So have a good weekend everyone and I wish you all the best!

Some Random...But Not So Random Thoughts

This is going to be a long and boring post...but I've found that this blog is a good place for me to really think things through, and maybe my thought train might help someone else. I dunno. But I've been having a bit of an issue with some things lately, and I haven't quite known how to deal with them. One thing seems to affect the next thing going on and it has created a bit of a never-ending circle of Grrrr frustration. I have no idea where the circle starts, but I will start it at work.
I love my job, I love what I do. I feel like I can really make a difference in someones life. But I can also really screw up someones life. I feel like I'm holding a major part in my hands and I better not let them down. Which isn't good in this line of work because the final decision is not mine, and it can cause a lot of pressure. So mix that with being frustrated in my work surroundings because of my lack of confidence and communication skills and its a time bomb.
That in turn affects my ability to be a good parent. I come home frustrated and don't give my kids the attention they want. I'm not able to truly enjoy them, and I'm not patient with them.
This adds to my exhaustion which affects my home. If I'm tired, I don't want to clean, or prepare a big meal, or do laundry. So my home suffers.
Then I get feeling kind of sorry about myself and start into a pity party. Why does this happen to me, why do I have to have these trials? That leads to pent up feelings about losing Grayson. Again, why me? But more importantly, why him? Why did he have to suffer?
This leads to the final piece of the circle, which is my religion and beliefs. I start questioning what its all about. Why am I here? I know the answer deep down. I know what I need to be doing...so why aren't I doing it? Why aren't I living my life in a way that I can be with my family for eternity...to have the chance to be Graysons mother, to gain the unimaginable gifts and blessings that have been promised to me and my family if I do what I know I need to do? I'm lonely, and I know that I'm going to stay that way (companion-wise) until I change what I'm doing and live a more worthy life. I can feel this...I know that the person I'm meant to be with is waiting for me to come back. To embrace the gospel again. So why aren't I??
I know with all my heart that He wouldn't give me trials that I couldn't handle. And I know I'll get past all this someday. Hopefully sooner than later. But why is it that I know the steps to take, I know the path I want to go down, but for some reason something is holding me back? I know if I took even that one step...I would be able to do it. But that one little step is a HUGE leap of faith for me, and I honestly don't know if I know how to have faith anymore. Or if I ever did know how. There has been a fear instilled in me that I can't get past. I don't know why...and I know every day I'm getting closer to breaking that fear down, and just when I think I can do it...something comes along that tears me down and I'm back at square one. Why am I getting worked on so bad? I feel like Satan has picked me for his sole target and is throwing everything possible at me to get me to stay down. And its working. How do you get out of that cycle? I don't know. I think I have a lot of thinking and praying to do I think. Hopefully I can figure it out soon.

This day

I got kind of an antsy feeling about today. Not sure why. Things seem to be going okay so far but man I hate these feelings. I always wonder why I get blessed/cursed to feel when something is about to go down. Who knows. Just found out today a friend of mine is getting married as well. Thats tough. They've known each other for like 4 months. I think hes jumping the gun a bit because he's lonely. Who knows though. I suppose if they are happy then more power to him. It's kind of an eye opener though. Makes me kind of wish I could...oh I dunno....get married soon myself. But that is a LONG way down the road I fear. Oh well. Anyway...enough of the random talk...I hope everyone has a good day and we shall see what happens with it :)

Shout Outs

I've been horrible at recognizing peoples birthdays this month....so here goes!

Happy Birthday to-

Tony
Scott
Valena
Melissa
Megan
and the late Grandma Cowley.

Sorry I'm a space cadet and didn't recognize you all on your actual birthdays but I hope you all had great ones! (and I REALLY hope I didn't miss anyone else this month....I'm really sorry if I did!!)

Catching up

I'm not doing as good with keeping this updated as I was, I get on to read peoples blogs but don't ever write them anymore. So I guess its catch up time. This month hasn't been super interesting, just been doing the same old work and be momma. Works going a tad better, although just when I think that something happens to knock it all down again. I've been trying to find a better way to deal with the people I work with better. Hopefully I find something soon. But my actual Housing Counseling job is actually going fantastic. I love it and I love working with the people I do. I've had a couple set backs but can only go up from here right?

The kids seem to be doing okay. I get a little worried about Nate and Tyler, they seem to really be having issues lately. I don't know if its due to the new surroundings at their dads house (I know I wouldn't be comfy there) or just life getting to them or what, but I hope they will be okay. Ryder is just Ryder. Hes an ornery little pill but hes doing good. They are all

getting so big. I love them to death.

Today I have to give a special appreciation to their daycare, Bright Starz. That place is AMAZING. They have helped the boys out so much in feeling comfortable and loved. The teachers are all amazing and really make the boys feel special. I give a special thanks to Mrs. Beverly today. Every month she takes on a family to do something nice for. She really watches the kids and determines something they could really use. Well, today she pulled me aside and said "Nate was showing me the hole thats starting in his shoes, so I'm wondering....would it be okay if I took them all to get a new outfit and new shoes today?" I was in awe. She wanted my permission because she didn't want me to think that she was implying that I was poor, she just wanted to let me know she has decided to take them on as her family this month. I thought that was soo sweet. And yes...I am poor hah! I was going to make Nate wait until the new school year to get shoes since he'd probably just trash the new ones anyway and I really don't have money to buy a new pair every month. So her thinking of this was a huge asset to me, and I really don't think Nate will ever forget it. I hope that my kids can learn that kind of compassion for others and learn how to be charitable. I'm trying to teach it, but having such great examples definitely helps too.

*I haven't shown off pictures for awhile so I added some today. the first is the boys playing in our front yard. They have really adjusted well to our new house thank goodness :). The second is Ryder in Nates boots looking for his caterpillar friend whos been living on those flowers. It was rather cute :)

Memorial Day Weekend

We had a fairly uneventful beginning of the weekend. The boys decided they wanted to stay with me which was great. I love being able to spend time with them on the weekends. Except that I wanted to put them up for sale on the side of the street by the time Monday rolled around. They did not want to stop fighting. But Monday was a very good day. We ended up going to mom and dads to help plant their garden, which the boys loved doing. Then we went to Zions and went hiking. We went on the Weeping Rock trail, which is very short but it makes up for it in the incline. It was a straight up the mountain wall hike. Holy cow. But very awesome when we got to the top. The boys really thought it was cool and Ryder had a fun time walking down the trail afterwards. We then rode the shuttle up to the river hike and played in the water for quite awhile. It started getting late so we stopped off at the lodge to eat some dinner and checked out the turkeys that were running everywhere. The boys had such a great time, it was nice to see them so happy. When we got home we decided a snow cone was in order so we went to the Tiki Shack (which is AMAZING by the way mmmmmmmmm and super cheap!) and went home to hang out and wind down.
I am soo super grateful for having such a wonderful family and amazing kids. I don't know what life would be like without either and just want to express my thanks for being blessed with them.
It was kind of sad that I wasn't able to go pay respects to Grayson anywhere but the knowledge that I would be able to as soon as we get this memorial wall done made that not as big of an issue. So the weekend went fairly smoothly.
So...thank you to my awesome family...I love you all for being there and supporting me through everything I've been through. Thank you to my friends who always have my back and who I know I can turn to for anything. And a thanks to all those in the military who have given their lives or are putting their lives on the line every day for mine and my family's freedom. We greatly appreciate everything you do for us and appreciate you sacrificing your time and life for us.
Happy Memorial Day everyone!

Its Been Awhile

It has been awhile since I posted last. Kind of alot has happened.
Workwise- after coming back from Phoenix, we found out the other counselor (CG, ive talked of him before) didn't go to training. So we fired him. And I took on his case load. Which I'm actually happy I did even though its going to be a whole lot more work. As we were looking through files the last couple days, he hadn't been doing much of anything with these clients. He had told alot of them to short sale or do a bankruptcy which is a big no no. We cannot give legal advice like that because of the affect it has on credit and such. Everyone else he just told he couldn't help or left them hanging for months at a time. I feel HORRID for his clients and hope we can mend our integrity has an agency.
Familywise- not alot going on there either. Everyone is excited for summer to be here. Nate can't wait to go to school next year (mostly so he can get new shoes..sheesh) and Tyler is super excited for Kindergarten. Ry is just being Ry and getting huge

I was Graysons birthday on May 8th. It was a tough day. I felt fairly lost the entire day just merely because we didn't have anywhere to go pay respects and I really kinda felt alone. Its also been hard to be around the cute little new babies that are surrounding me. That never was a huge issue after he was born, so I'm not sure why it is now. So my family and friends who have new babies...if I don't play with them or want to hold them please be understanding. I still love them all the same I just need to get over this bump in the road or I'll break down. On the plus side, plans for the memorial wall are up and running again so hopefully that project will be completed soon.

Well, have a great day everyone and I'll try to get on here more often. Love you all!

Phoenix so far

For those of you who don't know....I'm in Phoenix AZ right now for a training. And I love it. The first class was basics and kind of boring, but at the same time there were soooo many new things I learned and some things that were clarified to me I love the opportunity to expand my knowledge base and learn new ways of doing things I was already doing. Today was a credit score class. It pretty much cleared up alot of notions about credit and some things I didn't know. I have come to hate the way FICO decided to score people because it's not totally fair. But...its good to know how it works. And now I understand why things I was doing to try to improve my score were actually very detrimental to it instead and made it go down. Who would've known. But I have some good knowledge for here on out. The only issue I'm having here is that I really am not making friends the way I have in my other two trainings. That part has been extremely hard considering I'm here pretty much by myself. The other counselor came but I've seen him once in the three days for about 2 minutes. So.....yeah. Tonight is a big networking reception though to hopefully that will help out a tad. Maybe. I dunno. It proves to me I need to get my wieght under control because I think its affecting my confidence to go up and speak to people first. hopefully I can get past that soon. Anyway....heres crossing fingers things will go better soon :)