Learning Experiences

I had a bit of an eye opening experience last night (which I don't want to go into right now, maybe another day). It opened my eyes to how evil works and how easily it creeps into our being without warning when our guard is dowm. Also how quickly our sense of peace can get ripped away and how much more intense our feelings can be. I didn't feel a change in myself when the burdens I was carrying for sooo very long were lifted off my shoulders. I felt at peace, of course, but I didn't feel a change in me.
My experience last night showed me how much I had changed. How much I had bettered myself and how I felt equal to those around me finally. I didn't feel like lesser of a person. I was more likely to say a friendly hi and strike up a conversation. I just felt better.
It showed me how quickly that can change when your guard is down and you make mistakes. I have never felt a feeling soo intensely as I did last night when I felt my peace slipping away because I had put my guard down for just a quick second. That's all it took for evil to swoop right in and get cozy. And I've never felt such an urgency to mend the hurt I had just created for myself and get that load off my shoulders.
Right now, I'm not grateful for the experience. But I know in the future I will be. This has taught me the importance of being on guard all the time. Never swaying from what you believe in and definitely never assuming that you can handle matters of your heart and soul on your own.
I really hate that I'm the type of person that has to learn by experience....and it has lead me to choose things that have made my life rough. This is one of those moments that I wish I could've just learned by example and been lead in the right direction without having to experience the hurt and pain that went along with my actions. But...thats how I learn. I will conquer it and get back to my peaceful self. At this point, all I can do is hope that my retarded mistakes and such will help others reading to take a step back and think about their own lives, instead of learning the way I've had to.

My Life's Directions

Last night I had 5 years worth of weight lifted off my shoulders, and its a bit personal but those who are close to me will know what I'm talking about. This makes me happy for the future and what I have in store for me. So on with it.....

Gotta get my money situation under control. Not that its out of control, but I have less faith now than I ever did in retaining my job past September. This is obviously very scary to me since I am the only source of income for my kiddos. So....saying prayers and having faith that I will be lead in the right direction there.

Next up...find me good ol' southern gentleman. Or just good ol' man who will also be............

A great father figure for my kids. They need that in their lives since the current father situation is a pretty sad one. So lets also say lots of prayers and have alot of faith that someone fantastic will come along soon.

And of course....this is my next destination with that fantastic gentleman and father figure so that we can be an eternal family. Poor guy...I hope he can put up with my constant dorky side and harassment (I think its the Carlile gene...the sister-in-laws and brother-in-law would probably agree) for the eternities.

And of course....the above mentioned will lead to a romantic swooping kiss like this after all is said and done (at least I can hope for one....) and a Happily Ever After as well.

:)

Churchy Stuff (a very LONG post)

I generally don't go all churchy, but I feel I need to express some things, and I've found I do better writing it than trying to explain it talking. I've learned a valuable lesson between my last major experience with the atonement and this experience with the atonement. Last time...it seemed just a bit too easy. This time...its a lot harder. I'm still at peace, for the most part, but struggling to not commit sins is tough. Especially when you now have a new understanding about it. I'm sure everyone struggles with this in their own way, since no one is perfect. But man...I'm not as gung-ho as I was at first. I know that this is my chance. I need to make this happen. The hardest part (for me) is done and now I just need to live it. But I'm starting to think the whole living it part is far harder than I ever imagined.

Everything I do now has concious effort put into it. In other words....I think about every move I make now (for the most part). It's tiring. If I miss a night of studying scriptures or saying a prayer, I feel horrid. And generally I wake up the next morning and read a little to make up for it, but even after doing that I feel horrible for the rest of the day. Same goes with other things I'm struggling with. I keep thinking about a passage I read in True to the Faith. It states "It is wrong to commit....sins with the thought that you will simply repent later. This attitude is a sin itself, showing irreverance for the Lord and the covenants you make with him." I feel like when I sin, I know its wrong and I make a concious effort to not do it, but the temptations get too strong and I give in. Or I do it not even thinking about it then afterwards I think "Really? Why did you just do that." So...to me this means I'm commiting a sin with the thought that I'll simply repent later. This is not okay.

I am having some serious struggles with what to do. I pray like crazy and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I pray for the ability to know how to just give myself to Him....and it doesn't seem to be working. I read in the scriptures that as soon as you can give yourself to Him completely, the temptations decrease immensely. I want that. But I don't know how to obtain it. 

I'm frustrated because I'm done with the "homework" I was given and don't know what to do next, so I read the scriptures. But I feel like I don't know what else to do from here or what to focus on. I don't know if my bishop will contact me or if I'm supposed to contact him...I thought he said he would contact me after he talked to the Stake President last week but I still haven't heard from him....maybe I'm just antsy to get this taken care of and I need to learn patience? I don't know.

I'm feeling like I don't have a game plan. And because I don't have a game plan....I'm feeling like I'm going to be lost. I feel like I'm going to give up and I'm refusing to right now, but what about tomorrow? Or the next day? When is it going to finally get to me? And is it sad (or bad...) that my only thread keeping me going is the hope that my intuition about finding a new man comes true? (if you don't already know....I have a very strong feeling that the man I'm supposed to be with won't come into my life until business is taken care of... in other words the universe aligns.)

I think I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I feel true longing. I watch couples all around me. The men are so sweet and adoring, and you can tell the wives are proud to be in the arms of that man. Its not just the newly weds either its couples of all ages, young and old. They are soo happy. I know all marriages have issues, but even so they truly look happy and content with their lives. And on Sunday, as I was surrounded by couples of all ages, from all walks of life....I felt that longing. Almost a desperation to have someone in my life like that. And I know I need to get things taken care of before the right man comes into mine, but it doesn't seem like it will ever happen.  

I'm feeling this same stress with my divorce as I am with the atonement. I feel like I don't have a game plan. I feel like I'm just kind of floating...waiting for things to happen but not knowing how to make them happen quicker like I want. And really...all I want is a timeframe. Thats it. And I know I can't just miraculously have a timeframe handed to me in both cases, because it is dependent on other people. I just want something to shoot for. Some end to things. I'm just soo tired of floating and not knowing whats next.

Does this ever get easier?