I had a bit of an eye opening experience last night (which I don't want to go into right now, maybe another day). It opened my eyes to how evil works and how easily it creeps into our being without warning when our guard is dowm. Also how quickly our sense of peace can get ripped away and how much more intense our feelings can be. I didn't feel a change in myself when the burdens I was carrying for sooo very long were lifted off my shoulders. I felt at peace, of course, but I didn't feel a change in me.
My experience last night showed me how much I had changed. How much I had bettered myself and how I felt equal to those around me finally. I didn't feel like lesser of a person. I was more likely to say a friendly hi and strike up a conversation. I just felt better.
It showed me how quickly that can change when your guard is down and you make mistakes. I have never felt a feeling soo intensely as I did last night when I felt my peace slipping away because I had put my guard down for just a quick second. That's all it took for evil to swoop right in and get cozy. And I've never felt such an urgency to mend the hurt I had just created for myself and get that load off my shoulders.
Right now, I'm not grateful for the experience. But I know in the future I will be. This has taught me the importance of being on guard all the time. Never swaying from what you believe in and definitely never assuming that you can handle matters of your heart and soul on your own.
I really hate that I'm the type of person that has to learn by experience....and it has lead me to choose things that have made my life rough. This is one of those moments that I wish I could've just learned by example and been lead in the right direction without having to experience the hurt and pain that went along with my actions. But...thats how I learn. I will conquer it and get back to my peaceful self. At this point, all I can do is hope that my retarded mistakes and such will help others reading to take a step back and think about their own lives, instead of learning the way I've had to.