Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Losin IT

I think the last couple weeks have been not very inspiring. Or something. I don't know what it is.

I have been going through phases of motivation in my weight loss. Some days I really want to do good and make it, other days I'm just like BLAH I don't care. At this very moment...I have used 40 of my extra 49 points for the week and its only Tuesday. Thats not a good sign, especially when I generally only use 5-10 if that. I haven't felt like walking, or jogging, even though I know it will make me feel amazing if I just do it. I'm starting to get that quitting feeling. But I can't quit and I know I can't quit or I won't be happy. Just hard right now to be motivated.

I'm feeling this way with religion as well. Not that I'm motivated to do anything bad...but my desire to say my prayers every night and morning is gone. My desire to read the scriptures is gone. Being ultra careful with the music and shows I watch are gone. And those things have been pinnacle in me keeping the spirit with me. Its not here with me any longer. Then there are a few guys who have shown interest in me but aren't temple worthy and I can't help but think if thats the best I'm going to get. Should I really let them pass by when maybe it is just the best I'm going to get? I know thats retarded and most people reading would be like "dude get over the guy thing" but Ry needs a dad. He has been wondering more and more why he doesn't have one around and how do you explain that to a 3 year old? Nate and Ty need a positive male influence because they don't have that in their current father. I would like some company as well obviously....but truly my motivations for men are mostly for my kids' sake. Which is also why I've been ultra picky. But wonder if I've been too picky. Blah.

This job situation isn't helping things either. Do I move? Do I go to school? Do I keep applying for jobs I probably won't get? What do I do? Prayers aren't being answered and even when they do get answered (hopefully) how am I going to know if its just me wanting something or if its truly meant to be for me to go that route? Everyone says I'll just know....but how will I just know? I'm not having very much faith right now and I don't know why. I'm stressing out and I don't know what to do.

I'm losing it man....and not in the way I want (my waist).

*I hope that when I'm old I will read back on these and be like "man I really needed to get my life together and stop being a whiney pants." Until then....I continue to be a whiney pants and use this as my place to vent when needs be. I hope ya'll don't mind.


  1. You're just being tested right now... Satan is throwing these guys your way to try and tempt you to go off the good path. You can do better, you deserve better. Your BOYS deserve better. If nothing else, stay away from the unworthy for them. It's good to be picky. So many good things will happen if you just stay strong and power through this. I know you can do it.

  2. It's so hard to not be in control. That's why it's so important to trust Heavenly Father. He is in control if you will be patient and let Him. He will take it and help you. Control what you know you can and have faith on the rest. It's perhaps the hardest thing to do. Know you are loved by many and we all want you to have your dream life. Hang in there, you're worth it and so are your darling boys!