I generally don't go all churchy, but I feel I need to express some things, and I've found I do better writing it than trying to explain it talking. I've learned a valuable lesson between my last major experience with the atonement and this experience with the atonement. Last time...it seemed just a bit too easy. This time...its a lot harder. I'm still at peace, for the most part, but struggling to not commit sins is tough. Especially when you now have a new understanding about it. I'm sure everyone struggles with this in their own way, since no one is perfect. But man...I'm not as gung-ho as I was at first. I know that this is my chance. I need to make this happen. The hardest part (for me) is done and now I just need to live it. But I'm starting to think the whole living it part is far harder than I ever imagined.
Everything I do now has concious effort put into it. In other words....I think about every move I make now (for the most part). It's tiring. If I miss a night of studying scriptures or saying a prayer, I feel horrid. And generally I wake up the next morning and read a little to make up for it, but even after doing that I feel horrible for the rest of the day. Same goes with other things I'm struggling with. I keep thinking about a passage I read in True to the Faith. It states "It is wrong to commit....sins with the thought that you will simply repent later. This attitude is a sin itself, showing irreverance for the Lord and the covenants you make with him." I feel like when I sin, I know its wrong and I make a concious effort to not do it, but the temptations get too strong and I give in. Or I do it not even thinking about it then afterwards I think "Really? Why did you just do that." So...to me this means I'm commiting a sin with the thought that I'll simply repent later. This is not okay.
I am having some serious struggles with what to do. I pray like crazy and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I pray for the ability to know how to just give myself to Him....and it doesn't seem to be working. I read in the scriptures that as soon as you can give yourself to Him completely, the temptations decrease immensely. I want that. But I don't know how to obtain it.
I'm frustrated because I'm done with the "homework" I was given and don't know what to do next, so I read the scriptures. But I feel like I don't know what else to do from here or what to focus on. I don't know if my bishop will contact me or if I'm supposed to contact him...I thought he said he would contact me after he talked to the Stake President last week but I still haven't heard from him....maybe I'm just antsy to get this taken care of and I need to learn patience? I don't know.
I'm feeling like I don't have a game plan. And because I don't have a game plan....I'm feeling like I'm going to be lost. I feel like I'm going to give up and I'm refusing to right now, but what about tomorrow? Or the next day? When is it going to finally get to me? And is it sad (or bad...) that my only thread keeping me going is the hope that my intuition about finding a new man comes true? (if you don't already know....I have a very strong feeling that the man I'm supposed to be with won't come into my life until business is taken care of... in other words the universe aligns.)
I think I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I feel true longing. I watch couples all around me. The men are so sweet and adoring, and you can tell the wives are proud to be in the arms of that man. Its not just the newly weds either its couples of all ages, young and old. They are soo happy. I know all marriages have issues, but even so they truly look happy and content with their lives. And on Sunday, as I was surrounded by couples of all ages, from all walks of life....I felt that longing. Almost a desperation to have someone in my life like that. And I know I need to get things taken care of before the right man comes into mine, but it doesn't seem like it will ever happen.