Friday, May 20, 2011

Brain Dump just need to not worry about whats being said or how random it is and just type whats on your mind so thats what I'm doing.

I'm excited for this weekend. I'm unsure what my weigh in is going to bring, since it seems when I do great I fail, and when I do not so great I we shall see. But I am getting excited for the 5k. And scared. Scared to death because I want to do good but I'm afraid to fail. I know I'm going to push myself and I want to be able to jog the whole thing but I'm going to have to use a whole lot of ice afterwards I think. But I really want to be able to say I did my very best and I pushed myself hard. I want to earn it. 

I've also been doubting the program which is bad. Because like I said, I seem to have fantastic weeks and I have a bad weigh in. Then of course not so fantastic weeks and another bad weigh in. I know my body is adjusting and muscle is forming and all that jazz...but it makes it very frustrating when you work hard and nothing comes of it. And as I'm writing this I feel like a hypocrite because I could've pushed myself harder and didn't. But I did make a valid effort. I should've seen something positive come from it you would think.

On the job front I wasn't nervous...until recently. As many know..the funding for my position has been cut completely out of the FY2011 budget. Thank you congress and Obama. Way to kick the little people while they are down. And FY2012, they want to put the funding back in budget AND increase the amount. But for one year...families have to suffer and rescue scams will become record high. My boss is working diligently to find funding to keep me on at least for that year so we can re-apply for funding next year, and I'm applying for all sorts of grants from every business, bank, and foundation I can find who need to use CR money. But thats not a guarantee. I know I have a job for at least a couple more months thankfully, but who knows past there. Its a frustrating spot to be in, just because I don't know if I should be trying to apply for other jobs or just stick it out here. I really like my job and I really want to stay here. But I need to be able to take care of my family as well. Its a hard position to be in.

The legal paperwork has been served. That means come June 3, unless the ex disputes anything....this whole legal battle will come to an end. This makes me soooo happy. I will be grateful when I can recieve child support, because it could definitely help my cause a lot. That extra income will be nice. And the fact that we are re-arranging the custody and the visitation stuff, the boys will be much happier and hopefully we won't have to negotiate anymore on when they will be going with their dad. Makes me feel bad that they have to learn how to negotiate the time with their dad. But its coming to an end. I feel good about that. I just hope he actually pays the child support and doesn't job hop to avoid it.

I've decided that on the religious front, Satan works really hard on me. Like really hard. I come sooo very close to being able to resolve all my issues and get straight again, and he steps in to put doubt in my mind. "How do you know this is the right path for you? What if you make the sacrifices you need to make to follow this gospel and in the end its not true? Then where will you be? Lonely and friendless and depressed? Again? Is that how you want to live your life? If you have doubts about the truth of it, why even try to live it?"
These thoughts run through my head constantly, but even more so when I'm doing anything church centered. It makes the tasks extremely difficult and it does put a whole lot of doubt in my heart and mind. I do remember a scripture saying that as soon as I give my heart to Him, the difficulty will go away. I feel like thats true, but I don't have alot of faith in anything really, and I don't have alot of trust in anything. This has been a hard path for me. I don't know why and I know I make it 20 times harder than it needs to be.

Thats my brain dump for the day. All my thoughts and feelings of the day. And on that note...I hope ya'll have a good weekend. I'm going to be doing business expo then weigh in then 5k then more business expo then die. Should be a good weekend.

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