Saturday, May 21, 2011

The 5k and my feelings towards it

This morning with the momentous 5k. My first one ever. And it reminded me of a link my sister Steph put on facebook not too long ago about a woman who was running the Boston Marathon and how to spirit kept her going and such. I'd link up to it but really...I'm tired and really don't feel like searching it, but I believe it is on Go search it.

Anyway. I started out and I was nervous. I knew I could finish it though and totally figured I'd be able to run the entire thing because, well, I forget I'm fat and not in as good of shape as I used to be sometimes. Before it was time to start, I had a sudden burst of excitement and was ready to roll. Now this was a very unofficial 5k. No numbers, no timers, nothing like that. Just a whole bunch of people getting together to walk/jog/run whatever we could for the mere purpose of good health. Well it started and I was going strong, I was running with my sis-in-law Betsy and another girl from our group named April. I made from where we started to the park..not sure how far that is...and I just couldn't push myself anymore. It wasn't far. I told them to go ahead and run on while I walked.

This is when the thought process started. All of a sudden my mind reverted back to my Heavenly Father. It was very unexpected. I was having all sorts of doubt. I was unsure if I could finish. I wondered why on Earth I had ever even attempted to run this 5k. I wanted to cry. The song playing was "Crash" by Dave Matthews Band (again...too tired to even bother trying to link it up. Youtube it). I felt like I was crashing. I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to cry...I almost did cry. I knew I was going to fail. Then for some reason I thought of my life. How many times have I felt like I was crashing? I was seriously engulfed with the spirit for just a split second. I knew he was pushing me along and I knew he was trying to help me succeed...not only in this race but in my life as well. I had never had that experience before, and it shocked me a little bit. And for that split second, I knew I would be okay. In this race...and in life. I would be just fine if I just kept pushing.

Throughout the rest of the race I had serious doubts. I kept thinking "at the next set of benches I'm just going to sit down for a second and rest." or "when Betsy passes, I'll just turn around and run back with her. I can't finish this anyway, I was crazy to try." But those doubts immediately got shifted out of my mind and I kept going. Then they would creep back in...and get booted right back out again. When I finally reached the half way point, I was there. I knew I was closer to finishing then turning back, and I did what I could to finish strong. I alternated walking and jogging, and even though I was slow I did it. My feet were killing me, I couldn't stop coughing, my calves were burning, my knees were on fire, I had gained a headache....but none of that mattered because I was almost there. Almost done. I had made it that far and I knew I could finish. Even if I did have to crawl across the finish line, I could and I would finish.

Then the song "Until The End" by Breaking Benjamin came on. It says that you can last until the end. You have to last until the end in essence. It got me through. It got me jogging. I was able to jog the last little bit and was greeted by my dad and Betsy cheering me on. I have the best family in the world. I truly do. I knew I had completed it. I had done it. Was it hard? Oh my goodness yes. Am I going to do another one anytime soon? Oh no. No no no. I need to prepare myself better first. But do I now have the insight and confidence I need in other aspects of my life? Oh yes. I think I was meant to do this to prove to myself that I can finish what I start, and when I do...its going to be worth it. He is pushing me along...taking my hand and at times carrying me in the right direction. He is willing to do that as long as I'm willing to give myself to him.

So...I'm happy. I won't be doing a 5k any time soon, but maybe when I'm better prepared. And I have a new dedication to changing the direction of my life. I know its going to be such a hard road, and I know I'm going to want to give up...but I know that I'm going to be able to make it. I know for a fact.

And one more happy moment? I lost 3.8 lbs at weigh in!! So today has been a good day. Hopefully this amazing feeling stays with me and keeps me moving onward and upward.

Have a good weekend all!

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