Dreams

After my heated post yesterday I've done some thinking and some contimplating of my life. And taken into consideration some opinions of others (such as my momma). As she put it best....now is the time when I can actually have a dream. I can have a dream of what I want my life to turn out to be like, and I can go after it. I can have that dream. The hard part? What is my dream?
With my job coming to a close soon, it does make me wonder what I'm going to do with my life after this. I have a couple options that I can see.

1. I can stay in Cedar and keep applying for the higher paying jobs that I qualify for, and most likely won't get but I can pray and pray that I do get something good.
2. I can stay in Cedar and look into going back to school and finishing my degree. If I could qualify for some of the services to help with living expenses and such and carry a part time job.
3. I can move somewhere else where there is more job potential. This is scary to me because I'd be away from family and from my built in support network. But on the other hand, maybe its time for me to put on my big girl pants and venture out on my own. Or I could move where other family is close so that I have support if I need it (hmmm Alaska maybe? The thought has been running through my mind Stephy).

I've been praying about it, but so far no definite answers. I do keep thinking about moving alot but when my momma mentioned school thats been floating around in there too. I have no idea what I want to do. And I have no idea what my dream is.

Help please?

My Life's Directions

Last night I had 5 years worth of weight lifted off my shoulders, and its a bit personal but those who are close to me will know what I'm talking about. This makes me happy for the future and what I have in store for me. So on with it.....

Gotta get my money situation under control. Not that its out of control, but I have less faith now than I ever did in retaining my job past September. This is obviously very scary to me since I am the only source of income for my kiddos. So....saying prayers and having faith that I will be lead in the right direction there.

Next up...find me good ol' southern gentleman. Or just good ol' man who will also be............

A great father figure for my kids. They need that in their lives since the current father situation is a pretty sad one. So lets also say lots of prayers and have alot of faith that someone fantastic will come along soon.

And of course....this is my next destination with that fantastic gentleman and father figure so that we can be an eternal family. Poor guy...I hope he can put up with my constant dorky side and harassment (I think its the Carlile gene...the sister-in-laws and brother-in-law would probably agree) for the eternities.

And of course....the above mentioned will lead to a romantic swooping kiss like this after all is said and done (at least I can hope for one....) and a Happily Ever After as well.

:)

Churchy Stuff (a very LONG post)

I generally don't go all churchy, but I feel I need to express some things, and I've found I do better writing it than trying to explain it talking. I've learned a valuable lesson between my last major experience with the atonement and this experience with the atonement. Last time...it seemed just a bit too easy. This time...its a lot harder. I'm still at peace, for the most part, but struggling to not commit sins is tough. Especially when you now have a new understanding about it. I'm sure everyone struggles with this in their own way, since no one is perfect. But man...I'm not as gung-ho as I was at first. I know that this is my chance. I need to make this happen. The hardest part (for me) is done and now I just need to live it. But I'm starting to think the whole living it part is far harder than I ever imagined.

Everything I do now has concious effort put into it. In other words....I think about every move I make now (for the most part). It's tiring. If I miss a night of studying scriptures or saying a prayer, I feel horrid. And generally I wake up the next morning and read a little to make up for it, but even after doing that I feel horrible for the rest of the day. Same goes with other things I'm struggling with. I keep thinking about a passage I read in True to the Faith. It states "It is wrong to commit....sins with the thought that you will simply repent later. This attitude is a sin itself, showing irreverance for the Lord and the covenants you make with him." I feel like when I sin, I know its wrong and I make a concious effort to not do it, but the temptations get too strong and I give in. Or I do it not even thinking about it then afterwards I think "Really? Why did you just do that." So...to me this means I'm commiting a sin with the thought that I'll simply repent later. This is not okay.

I am having some serious struggles with what to do. I pray like crazy and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I pray for the ability to know how to just give myself to Him....and it doesn't seem to be working. I read in the scriptures that as soon as you can give yourself to Him completely, the temptations decrease immensely. I want that. But I don't know how to obtain it. 

I'm frustrated because I'm done with the "homework" I was given and don't know what to do next, so I read the scriptures. But I feel like I don't know what else to do from here or what to focus on. I don't know if my bishop will contact me or if I'm supposed to contact him...I thought he said he would contact me after he talked to the Stake President last week but I still haven't heard from him....maybe I'm just antsy to get this taken care of and I need to learn patience? I don't know.

I'm feeling like I don't have a game plan. And because I don't have a game plan....I'm feeling like I'm going to be lost. I feel like I'm going to give up and I'm refusing to right now, but what about tomorrow? Or the next day? When is it going to finally get to me? And is it sad (or bad...) that my only thread keeping me going is the hope that my intuition about finding a new man comes true? (if you don't already know....I have a very strong feeling that the man I'm supposed to be with won't come into my life until business is taken care of... in other words the universe aligns.)

I think I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I feel true longing. I watch couples all around me. The men are so sweet and adoring, and you can tell the wives are proud to be in the arms of that man. Its not just the newly weds either its couples of all ages, young and old. They are soo happy. I know all marriages have issues, but even so they truly look happy and content with their lives. And on Sunday, as I was surrounded by couples of all ages, from all walks of life....I felt that longing. Almost a desperation to have someone in my life like that. And I know I need to get things taken care of before the right man comes into mine, but it doesn't seem like it will ever happen.  

I'm feeling this same stress with my divorce as I am with the atonement. I feel like I don't have a game plan. I feel like I'm just kind of floating...waiting for things to happen but not knowing how to make them happen quicker like I want. And really...all I want is a timeframe. Thats it. And I know I can't just miraculously have a timeframe handed to me in both cases, because it is dependent on other people. I just want something to shoot for. Some end to things. I'm just soo tired of floating and not knowing whats next.

Does this ever get easier?

At Peace

This morning is a good morning. I didn't get raptured...which is either a good thing (not the end of the world yet) or a bad thing (it is the end of the world, but I didn't get saved and I will now be either eaten up in a giant earthquake or engulfed in a giant fireball). This weekend was very crazy and I am so grateful for all of the experiences I had. I completed two very difficult tasks that I never thought I'd be able to do. I got shown love and support in ways I would've never imagined. I am at peace with myself, and I know my life is headed in the right direction finally. I feel strong.

Life is good.

My Word

I decided I needed a little boost towards my goal of aligning my karma and universe, or at least attempting to anyway. So what did I do last night? Hit up Redbox for Eat Pray Love. Why this movie gives me that motivation I do not know. Maybe it's because she decides not to settle anymore. She wants to find "her word" (for those who have seen the movie).

I want to find MY word. I feel a disconnect with my world and my feelings. I think I'm coming closer to finding that word, but not quite there yet.

Also, I have not yet cleaned out my facebook of previous people I was interested in but too nervous/afraid/retarded to go after. I need to do that, because its a little prick at my heart when I see them post pictures of new girlies they are in relationships with. It makes me wonder why its so hard to for me to delete them. This situation is another one of those things where I need to wait until the universe and karma align (getting closer!!). And generally the words of wisdom are as soon as you stop looking it will happen. I know that I will be in the right spot and the right time when I am meant to meet Mr Right. This is another reason I really do love Eat Pray Love. She goes through a journey of finding herself and finding balance in her life before she goes for the love dive.

I think I've done my own little Eat Pray Love journey lately, and maybe thats why I feel as if the world is aligning closer and closer. I feel like the (Eat) physical aspect of my life is getting better. Weight Watchers seems to have made a bit of a difference in my attitude towards exercise, food, and myself. And being able to have discipline in myself. The (Pray) religious aspect of my life is on swings right now. I know what I believe, I know what I want for myself and my kids, but I like to doubt the realism and question those beliefs on occasion. And I hate how hard it is to get back in the groove. The (love) emotional aspect is out of the water still. We won't even go there. So I have a little bit I need to work on before I'm ready for that Mr Right to walk in, and I realize that. But I'm still impatient. And wish things worked on MY timetable instead of the pre-set plan in store for me.

Its A NEW Week

The weekend brought on some rather interesting experiences. It started with the ex deciding not to take the boys but not letting me know until later on. Don't get me wrong, I love having them stay with me but would've appreciated more planning time for dinner and such. Friday we had a movie night. I did good with snackage for the most part, but did eat a few gummie frogs. And a leftover slice of pizza. That blasted pizza. {I cleaned out my fridge Saturday and got rid of all temptations like pizza}

At weigh in, I found that I had lost 1 solid pound. Which....hooray for the pound lost, but also disappointing given the previous weeks awesome numbers. So this week I'm striving to do better. Saturday night we had stuffed turkey burgers and squash fries that were delicious. This weeks menu includes some halibut, delicious chicken dishes, and a pork dish I've been wanting to try. It feel good to cook healthy meals for my family. So this weeks goal is to focus on healthy food instead of junk food.

Do you ever have those experiences that aren't necessarily life altering, but kinda fall under that category? Sunday was my day of a not so much but kind of life altering moment. The boys and I went to church and after a bit of a stress moment for Nate about going to a new primary class, and Ryder for having to go at all instead of staying with momma, Everyone was good to go and I was off to class. The story was that of Christ eating at Simon the Pharisee's home. While there, a woman found him, anointed his feet and wept for forgiveness. We compared the character traits of each person (Simon vs the woman) and were told to think of ways we can improve and be better people. It was a great and motivating lesson. The life altering part was the second block on communication. The first section was communicating spouse to spouse, then parent to parent, then parents to children. The first two sections showed me how wrongly things were handled in my marriage and that I need to re-think what I'm looking for is a second marriage.

The third section was the life altering moment. I realized that I completely block off the communication line between my kids and myself. The way I go about talking to them wouldn't make them feel comfortable talking to me about day to day things, non-the-less hard topics that will be coming up soon. I have thought hard about this and will be re-thinking how I approach my parenting. Now is the time that families need to be stronger than they ever have in the past, and even though I'm doing it alone, I need to make sure mine is just as strong if not stronger. Its time to step out of old ways, crack the shell, and start manning up to the important task that I've been given raising these strong, blessed souls that have come to me.