This last weekend has been one that has invoked alot of thought on my part. I'm not going to be specific on what those are out of respect to the people involved, but there has been alot of thought about Grayson. I know I try to downplay my feelings and make everyone think I'm okay, but I also think that it has been a disservice to me at times. It tends to make me not manage my feelings well and that was proved this weekend alittle bit. Feelings of remorse, guilt and even jealousy popped up for my decisions with Grayson. I don't feel like I handled that situation well at all, and I know people will say "Well it was a tough time and you did the best given the circumstances..." but I didn't. I was soo worried about being a burden on others that I didn't give my little guy the respect he deserved. I'm very sad about that and have a whole lot of guilt over it. I know there isn't much I can do now about it, but it doesn't change things. The feeling I didn't expect to pop up was jealousy. I am not jealous of that type situation by any means, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I think I'm more jealous of the fact that some people are more put together in a time of crisis than I could ever be. They have been able to make decisions (which are decisions you would never want to be faced with) that I pushed down quite a bit so that no one knew I was hurting and of course, the whole burden thing. I don't know why I'm so concerned with being a burden but it really is kind of a driving force in alot of my decisions.
In addition to all that, another experience has made me really think about myself, my health, my family, and what is stopping me from being the person I want to be. Health is precious and I take it for granted. Not that I'm the healthiest person ever cause I know I'm not, but all in all I haven't had too many issues that weren't managable. It also makes me appreciate my family much more, especially my parents, for being there in my tough times and in the good times. My parents have saved my butt more times than I can count in soo many different ways. I don't like the thought of either of them not being around. But out of all these kind of sad and negative feelings, I've found a greater appreciation for the things that I have. An awesome family, caring friends, amazing kids, a good job (even though I complain sometimes, I really do love what I do) and a Heavenly Father who I forget about sometimes but still loves me all the same and does things to remind me he's there. Life will even out eventually I think. Its bound to. Until then, I guess the only thing we can do is keep trudging along and hope for the best. At least thats what I'm going to try to do.