I know I know...I'm being all EMO

I'm sorry...this is more blah blah I'm having issues and such that you've already heard about a million times so bear with me, but writing is very theraputic so you get to hear all about it.

I've been having a struggle as to whether or not my life is headed down the right path or not. Previously, life was easy. I obviously had some of the worries that every person has...money, screwing kids up for life, etc. But beyond the normal stuff I was fine. I felt hope that I'd find someone nice to be with because my choices weren't super limited, I just needed to sift through the losers to find a good one. However I was a crappy mom, daughter, sister, family member, friend, etc. I know this...and thats what prompted me to make changes. I was tired of constantly feeling like I was a let down.

Now...I have made the changes that I feel needed to be made in order for me to feel like I'm becoming a better person, but I guess I'm starting to feel the consequences maybe? I feel better as a person, but I realize that I have given a HUGE disservce to my kids and I've been a crappy mom. I want my kids to be respectful, honest little gentlemen. But I don't know what to do to teach them those principles. I can lecture and lecture....but how do you teach them? Don't get me wrong, I love my boys with all my heart and I do feel like they are good kids. However they are all exhibiting signs of naughty deeds that I know are directly related to the fact that I've been a crappy mom in some areas. The most recent....Tyler sending a not nice text to his cousin then lying straight to my face (and everyone elses) about it up until the time when his cousin let me know it was him. Seriously? How do I teach him that lying is not okay? I've told him numerous times...and ironically they had learned about it in primary that day too. Yet he still did it. What do I do?

The other area I'm struggling in is the man thing. I know I know....ya'll are tired of hearing about it. But seriously....things like the kids being naughty makes me realize even more that they need a man in their lives. They need someone to show them how they need to treat women. They need a strong hand. Beyond that, I'm lonely. And seriously? I feel hopeless that there is anyone out there for me. I'm having to be more selective. If I want to get married in the temple, then the person has to be LDS. 90% of LDS guys get married directly off their mission, and the divorce rate within the religion is pretty low. So the guys left who are my age or older are generally either very odd and quirky, two faced, complete jerks, or get swiped up as soon as they hit the market again. But...there are several very good guys out there who are of different religions who are awesome awesome people. I've met loads of them that I would love to date. However...they are not LDS. And really? Who is really gonna want to take on this emo mess girl and her 3 emo mess boys who are wanting a loving, kind dad soo much that they can barely contain themselves?

So...is this particular religious path I'm on worth it? I'm not sure anymore. My life is a daily struggle now. There isn't a day goes by that I'm not fighting off something...whether it be a craving, a desire to go hang out with my old friends who I miss like crazy, taking up offers of a date with guys not LDS, struggling with my kids and how to raise them since I'm not doing a great job and truly don't know how to improve....the daily bouts of loneliness and feelings of inadequecy in every aspect of my life right now just add to that battle. Is this really how I'm going to choose to live the rest of my life, struggling EVERY DAY to find some sort of peace or happiness...or something? Anything? Sigh....lets hope now that its all off my chest I can have a good week yeah?

*And as I'm finishing this post....Come Thou Fount starts playing on my Pandora and makes me want to cry (filled with spirit cry)....that helps me know that I think I'm headed the right direction maybe I just need to pray for some reassurance....

Yay for the weekend!

Its been a minute....hello! The last couple days have been a whirlwind of fun and excitement. Ok not really....but still. The trip to Salt Lake really jumped my creative juices into overdrive. I'm thinking when I finish school...I'm going to start my own business. I have a lot of ideas. I would kind of like to do a non-profit for financial literacy or maybe credit counseling. Or I could totally go on the opposite direction and go after my passion of photography. My dream job would be to have a successful photography business. I LOVE taking pictures and playing with their colors and such. Its my favorite. I've been highly considering minoring in photography. We shall see where life takes me.

This weekend there are soooo many options of fun and entertainment. There is a pumpkin festival at the university sponsored by Women in Business (woot woot and high five for the women in business) and Fall Fest which is at a nursery close by. They are having some closeout sales and a pumpkin patch. Sometime this month I'd like to go to the corn maze (soo much fun last year!) and also hit up one of the haunted houses. Did I mention I absolutely LOVE this time of year? I love it. We also get to tend a sweetheart of a little girl while her parents sneak away to the temple.

The boys and I are going to shop for Halloween costumes this weekend. I hope we find stuff thats cheap and likable. I also have a couple gifts I need to make for some soon to be arriving little darlings. I'm hoping to get that done this weekend as well. I've started buying Christmas early which is a big deal to me, seeing as how I usually wait until the last paycheck before Christmas. But this year, I really wanted to get the boys the best gifts I could and to do that, I have to budget everything out. I'm starting to feel a little proud of myself for being a grown up.

My mom texted me a conversation between Nate and one of his friends yesterday that I have to share. Some probably already saw it on facebook, but its made me smile.

Friend: Do you have a dad?
Nate: Yeah. My mom's divorced.
Friend: Why?
Nate: {thinking....} My mom wanted to go bowling & my dad wanted to go fishing so they had an argument and got divorced.
Friend: Is she going to find a man and get married?
Nate: {thinking...} Yeah. She wants to find a husband who will play with us and be nice to us.

I'm happy that my kids don't have negative thoughts about their dad. I also think its a pretty accurate analogy of bowling and fishing. I wanted to have a romantic, loving relationship (bowling) and he wanted to go spend his time with other women (fishing). I am very happy that he knows I'm waiting for the right person who can also be a good dad to them. I think of the whole conversation, that is the most important part to me. And the part that makes me smile the biggest. Now I hope that the man of my dreams is out there. I've about given up on ice cream boy. So the search continues.

Anyway...its Friday and I'm happy for it. Hope ya'll have a great weekend!

Goals....check!

Yesterday was a pretty good day for completely goals. I REALLY wanted to go out to a new Chinese place here in town even though I didn't have the money. I resisted and instead had some delish Shepards Pie that was totally worth making. I'm looking forward to leftovers for lunch.
Healthy (or healthier than fast food) meal....check! 
After dinner, we went for a walk with some good friends. I'm looking forward to starting this new habit of walking every night with them...it helps the boys and I get out of the house and gives us exercise. We ended up walking 1.71 miles but didn't even seem like that long.
So exercise every night....check!
After some play time, the boys got jammies on and we read stories. I've been really wanting to get into a good bedtime routine. I give that half a check since we didn't get our nightly shower in....
but still...half check!
And when they went to bed....I read the accounting chapter that I knew I needed to read. I really didn't want to....but I did. And I get it now. And the chapter was insanely long...but I get it now.
Homework every night....check!
I've also made a goal to read two different books. The first is Daughters In My Kingdom which was given to me at church and we were encouraged to incorporate it with our normal study. The second is When Times Are Tough by John Bytheway. I have the goal of reading a chapter of each every night. Last night I did it.
Reading nightly....check!
The only thing I faltered on last night was FHE. By the time dinner was made and eaten, it was getting dark so we needed to go walking before it was too dark to go very far. Next week though.
I'm looking forward to tonight and seeing how far I get on my goals. Tomorrow I will be in Salt Lake for a meeting, so tonight and tomorrow will be a bit skewed....but we will try our best as always.

OH! In other news....
Have ya'll heard that your bank could most likely be charging you a fee every time you use a debit card? Yep. I've seen them as low as $2 and as high as $5 FOR EVERY TRANSACTION you making using a debit card! Call me crazy...but I'm going to start using  cash for absolutely everything if this is what its going to be like. I take that back...I'll strictly use bill pay for my bills (since no fees are being charged for that service......yet) and cash for everything else. I refuse to have my bank take my hard earned money because they feel I owe them for the honor of using their institution for my banking needs. Ludicrous ya'll....ludicrous. I know that so far, Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Chase, and Regions Financial are on board and some have already started charging. Is your bank next?

Flat tires and ball fights

I have decided that cars are no bueno. I am soo irritated at my car. It was definitely not my smartest investment ever. I'm almost wishing I would've kept the gas guzzling monster 'burb, it at least ran well. Argh. Anyway...this weekend the horrible demon car had two flat tires. Same tire, albeit, but still. twice. So I'm rollin with a donut right now. And the donut is actually in better shape than the tires. However it is a bigger than the rest. Really...this car is horrible. So anyway. Nate learned how to change a tire. Grandpa was very patient and let him learn how which was great...I think its important to know how. And he loved it.
 And I was in a dress so its good he did it and got dirty instead of me....cause I'm girly like that.

Something that I think will go down in Carlile memorial history was the ball fight that took part after family dinner on Sunday. It was hilarious. The kids loved it and the adults had even more fun I think!

The whizzing blurs are balls flying. I'm sure that the neighbors were thinking we were crazy...but it was soo much fun! And funny enough a great workout. We had a great time.

And...those were the highlights of the weekend. Hooray.

Failing



You FAIL!

 There are moments in my life when I wonder if I've made the right decision. And this is one of those days. It is mid-term and time to check in with grades. In my easy 1 credit classes I'm passing no problem. In the two classes that are required for my Advanced Standing to the Business Program, I am getting Fs. Well, I know in the one class I absolutely love to pieces (Microeconomics) I am getting an F. Why? The test went bad. I think I need to appeal some of the wrong answers though, because I'm positive I got them right. The math though? I know I failed miserably. The class I despise (Accounting) I haven't checked my grade in but I can tell you without a doubt its an F since I bombed the test. Why do classes focus so much of the grade on tests? Don't they realize a lot of people are not very good test takers? Blasted. Its my own fault. I could've studied harder.
But it still makes me wonder if I'm really supposed to go to school. Is this a road block that I need to conquer and overcome? Or am I not ready for such a time intensive responsibility? School has proven difficult for me in ways I never imagined. Finding time to study has been difficult, finding time to do homework (since I don't have internet at home and the majority of the homework has to be submitted online) has been difficult, with the possibility of losing my job soon and finding new employment has proven difficult because anyone paying high enough wages for me to support my family don't want to work with school schedules. All I can do is hope and pray that this will all work out. I felt like I needed to go back to school for a reason, I just need to figure out why, because this is the most frustrating thing I've encountered (besides the divorce) in a VERY long time.

Hair-tastic

I really want long hair if/when I get married again, so I am determined to grow it out. Anyone who knows well me knows I get really tired of my hair really fast. I cut it or color it more than anyone I know. I've been trying to give it a break though. So I've been searching for cute and inventive ways to do my hair. I found a blog of a girl I went to high school with, Reagan, who is now a pretty successful hairdresser in New York City. She has also had an incredible (and sad but very inspirational) life after high school. I highly suggest you read her story. Seriously...you will cry but want to give her a high five. Anyway. She does tutorials and I've been trying to follow them so I can put up with my hair. The weather here has been windy and cold so up-dos have been my friend. Today...is this.



the back-ish



One side

Since the pictures are absolutely fantastic (hinting sarcasm...just in case you didn't get that) I parted my hair on the side where my natural part is and french braided each side until they met in the back. Then I pulled them together with any loose hair and created a messy bun. I also realized in taking these pictures that I have a short neck. Hmmm. Thats not very pretty.
Have a good weekend ya'll!

Where Did Fall Go?

The one thing I really hate about the weather here is that we never cycle through normal seasons. On Monday it was like 90 degrees and we had our A/C on. Last night it was raining so hard it kept the boys up. This morning it has snowed. Not a ton...and it's not sticking. But its still there and its still cold. I don't think we've broke 40 degrees yet. Ugh. The plus side...its perfect soup weather! I love a crockpot corn chowder recipe that I found in one of my many books, so that was on the docket. I got all the ingredients in there and we were out othe door yesterday morning. I came home to cold soup. The stupid crockpot hadn't been plugged in. Argh. But I just ended up cooking a batch by stove top and it was absolutely delish. I'm looking forward to leftovers for lunch today.

So I'm happy its starting to cool down, but I'm not so happy that fall got passed over. The snow can wait at least one more month and I'll be happy.
In other news, I had the kids' SEP meetings this week. Tyler is doing fantastic. On his Dibels tests (some great academic test) he scored 20-30 points over the average in all categories. I'm pretty positive she said he was the highest in the class on one of the tests if not all of them. He is also a very good student and listens well. He has lots of friends and everyone likes him. Makes me happy he is doing soo well.
Nate is also doing great. They test the Dibels alittle differently for him and its clumped in one score instead of 4 like Tylers, but he was about 20 points over the average as well. He was struggling with getting his homework turned in...he would do it but not turn it in. So he has started working with his teacher in the homework club at school and has improved significantly. He was also having a hard time remembering to write down his reading, but that is also getting better. So the two places he was struggling have been improved since his teacher and I talked about it.
I'm sure proud of those kiddos...as much as they hate when I push them to do homework and reading, they are smarty pants and doing well. I completely attribute that to daycare though...they should be taking credit for always doing a great job at making sure my kids are on track. I'm guessing that Ry will be the same way. I hope.

Random

Yesterday was a good day. Work was good, and I learned some good stuff. After work I jog/walked a mile and felt amazing for it. Then we went home and I made some healthy HG Alfredo with some additions of my own...namely a steamable package of broccoli and cheese.

The boys weren't too fond of it, but I thought it was absolutely delightful. It made 5 servings and each serving is 220 cal. Not too shabby I say. After eating and getting the boys' homework done (see? good on my goals today!) I got a text from friend (we shall refer to my ice cream guy as this from now on) wondering if he could stop by and say hello. And he did. I got kiddos put to bed and we had a good talk about school, politics, religion...all the stuff you probably shouldn't talk about but we actually share the same views on for the most part. He also asked alittle about my history and ended up learning probably more than he would've liked, but he kept asking questions. So he officially knows my past and is okay with it. Thats probably a good sign, since my past has been a rough one with lots of ups and downs. He also asked about Grayson. And was understanding. That meant alot. So it was an all around good night I think. And it felt soo good to run again...that is something I'm going to definitely keep up. Hopefully I can get my butt back in shape soon enough. This is good...Life is good....

And now some random kids pics I found :)



Ty and Ry like to sit out on the balcony...and I thought it was soo cute they squeezed into the same camp chair :)




Yes thats called child labor...wierdly they love cleaning their bathroom.



I love this pic...they were bored while we were waiting for Grandpa to come save us from a flat tire. And of course Ry refused to pose. Thats my boys!

Yesterday...

...was a good day. For the most part. When I woke up I found a monster spider, seriously...like the size of a baby kangaroo. It was huge. And it was up in the corner of my vaulted ceiling in my kitchen, obviously not easily reached. I hate spiders. Hate them with a passion and have a bit of a phobia about them. I prayed it would still be in that spot when I got home so I could try to catch it or smoosh it or something. I didn't want to have to wonder if I would wake up to it crawling on my face.


seriously...look at this bad boy!

So we got home and it was indeed still there. As a tangent....we did good on our goals yesterday. The boys got out their homework and finished it up, cleaned out backpacks, and got everything organized for today while I made dinner. Then we ate as a family at the table. My planned dinner (Shepards Pie) didn't happen because I realized I was out of hamburger so we just had a wierd assortment of leftovers. But it was relatively healthy all the same. After dinner, we cleaned up and had FHE. We are learning about the 6 bees from President Gordon B Hinckley. The 3 we focused on last night were Be Grateful, Be Smart, and Be Clean. I have told the boys that if they really try to work on these this week, they can get a prize.
Then came one of the most shocking experiences I've had in awhile. We needed to return some Redbox movies, so Nate when to go turn them in and I parked in the parking lot. The lady parked next to me door dinged me not once...not twice...4 TIMES. She almost knocked my mirror off with her door and left 3 visible dings on my door. And I was sitting RIGHT THERE. She didn't apologize, didn't acknowledge I was even there...just went on her merry way. Wow. I was shocked.
Ok back to the spider. We get done with all this side stuff and the spider is gone. And then scared the crap outta me because he'd hauled butt to the opposite wall and when I turned around I swear I could see his eyeballs. So I tried to get one of the boys to smash him, but they wouldn't. They told me to quit being a scaredy momma. So I got the vacuum and tried to suck it up but he resisted. That thing was strong. It finally got sucked up, but I made Tyler look in the vacuum attachment to make sure it went down and we both swear it was climbing up so I left the vacuum running and took it outside. Needless to say...the vacuum slept outside last night. And my neighbors probably think I'm a tard from all the dancing around and squeeling that was going on. Oy. Anyway. Let's hope the spider doesn't crawl in again. Too much trauma.

October Goals....I know.....

I cannot believe it is already October. This year seems to have sped by right before my eyes. As I have looked back at some of my long term goals...I'm making progress. Very slight progress, but progress all the same. This month I want to challenge myself. I mean really challenge myself. I need to get kickstarted. So here goes. What made this kickstart happen you may ask? Struggling on 2 of the 3 tests I had last week, and blow drying my hair this morning. What does blow drying have to do with anything? When I lifted my arms up...I saw how fat they've gotten. Like beyond the normal relief society flap...ugh. So come on October....show me the money.

Health and Wellness Goals

Goal 1: Plan and execute menus every week
Goal 2: Track all food every day on my calorie count app
Goal 3: Run 3 times a week and do weights the other 3 (1 rest day)

School Goals

Goal 4: Read out of one of my textbooks every night (this has been especially hard with my accounting book)
Goal 5: Study (having issues figuring out how I study best)
Goal 6: Attend class every day unless there is sickness or death in the family

Family Goals

Goal 7: Do homework as a family every night
Goal 8: Eat dinner at the table as a family
Goal 9: Work on sticking to bedtime routine

Religious Goals

Goal 10: Have FHE every Monday night
Goal 11: Read the Book of Mormon every night (long term goal is to have it read before the end of the year)
Goal 12: Have family prayer every day

Financial Goals

Goal 13: No using the overdraft account
Goal 14: Put money aside in savings
Goal 15: Get Christmas bought ahead of time while I still have money


This seems like alot....but these are all aspects that I'm aware I need to improve on. I'm also fully aware that I probably will not accomplish every single one of these goals in entirety by the end of the month. However I want to improve on them. I can't remember if it was a talk or a lesson that I got this from...but some words of wisdom I haven't forgotten are this.

No one expects you to change your life all in one day. You make improvements one step at a time. Make yourself aware of the things you would like to improve and then take one of them and work on it. Conquer it...then move on to the next. 

Alot of these are things I've just gotten lazy with and simply need to get in the habit of doing again, so it won't be hard to adjust. Others...I have true struggles with and they will need to be conquered one at a time. But that is what this life is about, right? Live, Love and Learn.