Monday, October 17, 2011

I know I know...I'm being all EMO

I'm sorry...this is more blah blah I'm having issues and such that you've already heard about a million times so bear with me, but writing is very theraputic so you get to hear all about it.

I've been having a struggle as to whether or not my life is headed down the right path or not. Previously, life was easy. I obviously had some of the worries that every person, screwing kids up for life, etc. But beyond the normal stuff I was fine. I felt hope that I'd find someone nice to be with because my choices weren't super limited, I just needed to sift through the losers to find a good one. However I was a crappy mom, daughter, sister, family member, friend, etc. I know this...and thats what prompted me to make changes. I was tired of constantly feeling like I was a let down.

Now...I have made the changes that I feel needed to be made in order for me to feel like I'm becoming a better person, but I guess I'm starting to feel the consequences maybe? I feel better as a person, but I realize that I have given a HUGE disservce to my kids and I've been a crappy mom. I want my kids to be respectful, honest little gentlemen. But I don't know what to do to teach them those principles. I can lecture and lecture....but how do you teach them? Don't get me wrong, I love my boys with all my heart and I do feel like they are good kids. However they are all exhibiting signs of naughty deeds that I know are directly related to the fact that I've been a crappy mom in some areas. The most recent....Tyler sending a not nice text to his cousin then lying straight to my face (and everyone elses) about it up until the time when his cousin let me know it was him. Seriously? How do I teach him that lying is not okay? I've told him numerous times...and ironically they had learned about it in primary that day too. Yet he still did it. What do I do?

The other area I'm struggling in is the man thing. I know I know....ya'll are tired of hearing about it. But seriously....things like the kids being naughty makes me realize even more that they need a man in their lives. They need someone to show them how they need to treat women. They need a strong hand. Beyond that, I'm lonely. And seriously? I feel hopeless that there is anyone out there for me. I'm having to be more selective. If I want to get married in the temple, then the person has to be LDS. 90% of LDS guys get married directly off their mission, and the divorce rate within the religion is pretty low. So the guys left who are my age or older are generally either very odd and quirky, two faced, complete jerks, or get swiped up as soon as they hit the market again. But...there are several very good guys out there who are of different religions who are awesome awesome people. I've met loads of them that I would love to date. However...they are not LDS. And really? Who is really gonna want to take on this emo mess girl and her 3 emo mess boys who are wanting a loving, kind dad soo much that they can barely contain themselves? this particular religious path I'm on worth it? I'm not sure anymore. My life is a daily struggle now. There isn't a day goes by that I'm not fighting off something...whether it be a craving, a desire to go hang out with my old friends who I miss like crazy, taking up offers of a date with guys not LDS, struggling with my kids and how to raise them since I'm not doing a great job and truly don't know how to improve....the daily bouts of loneliness and feelings of inadequecy in every aspect of my life right now just add to that battle. Is this really how I'm going to choose to live the rest of my life, struggling EVERY DAY to find some sort of peace or happiness...or something? Anything? Sigh....lets hope now that its all off my chest I can have a good week yeah?

*And as I'm finishing this post....Come Thou Fount starts playing on my Pandora and makes me want to cry (filled with spirit cry)....that helps me know that I think I'm headed the right direction maybe I just need to pray for some reassurance....

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