Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Giving me hope!

its blurry but too cute to pass up :)
So I mentioned yesterday that I was going to have ice cream last night with a friend. This friend and I happened upon each other and I think it was a blessing. Regardless of what happens with this relationship, if it stays friendly or turns into more, I truly think I was meant to meet him at this time in my life. I'm about to get all just be warned :)

An interesting thing happened. I have been doing really good with keeping my nose clean so to speak and not giving in to temptations (bad habits) that I have really been trying to steer away from. I really do want to be able to live a clean and pure life in every way I can. So it was really interesting to me that when the ice cream mini date got closer and temptations grew stronger and stronger. Like holy cow scary stronger than ever strong and it only got worse as the date went on. When we said goodbye for the night, they decreased significantly. For some reason I was able to step outside of the situation so to speak and look at what was going on from what I can only describe as a third party point of view. I could completely see that for some reason this mini date was triggering those temptations very strongly, yet I wasn't anxious or nervous about going which is usually the triggers I fight. Quite the opposite actually, I was very much at peace. And I had a very pleasant time.

So here comes the churchy stuff. We got to know each other pretty well and he made it apparent that he doesn't like to be around the stuff that I have been trying to keep my distance from and it is a complete deal breaker for him in a relationship. Which is great for me because sometimes I need a more concrete reason to stay on the path I've chosen, and this could be a good reason. So when I was able to step away from the situation, I was able to see that if I were to give in to those temptations, I would lose any chance of having any sort of relationship beyond friends with this person. I can't help but wonder if that is exactly what Satan was trying to accomplish. I feel like he used every force possible to try to break me down. Seriously ya'll...the feelings were so strong that I felt like someone was physically pushing me. It was crazy. I think though, that I was given the chance to see the whole picture because I needed to realize that my actions could cause me to lose something very good. It also makes me pretty aware that I am going to be having daily internal battles between right and wrong. Like WW3 for the Kimmy. But I know that good can win, mostly because it really irritates me that Satan is trying to push me to do things I don't want to do. And the stubborn side of me is kicking in saying "I'll show you! I'm not going to listen to you because I know its going to down right ruin your day and thats what you get for trying to ruin my life. Jerk." Not that I'm normally a vengeful person, but it irritates me.

Now I'm not jumping to conclusions and saying that this is the man I'm destined to marry or anything, because I don't know that. But this is the first person I have dated who has the same wants and desires for their life as I do. I'm a very old fashioned girl and my values are not the same as society values these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone or think everyone should feel the same way I do by any means, its just hard in the dating scene for me since not many feel the same as I do on things. Yet he is also the first person who has the same views as I do on relationships and how to act in them. I don't think I've ever shared my laundry list with anyone but here goes. I'm bolding (is that a word? haha) the ones that I can already tell he possesses not by his words, but by his actions in just the short couple hours we spent together. And making notes. Cause I'm a dork.

Trustworthy *I think he is, however I'm stubborn and it takes me time to really know for sure
Respectful *his eyes were in direct contact with my eyes. Not once did he look down which is super rare these days in my experience
Loyal *I also think he would be loyal in a relationship...but its too soon to tell
Honest *wasn't afraid to share his opinions on anything
Good communicator *he talked alot but also asked alot of questions and listened
Good sense of humor *he makes me laugh, like a lot. Its kinda embarassing 
Likes kids *told me several stories of playing with his nieces and nephews
Wants to go to the temple *and won't settle for any less (which is why he's not married yet from what I can tell)
Is endowed *made it clear he will never break those promises he made
Doesn't cheat *he did say he would never do that, and I believe him, but it takes me time to really trust that.
Isn't addicted to porn *made it very clear that he thinks it ruins relationships and is very degrading to women
No smoking, drinking or drugs *made it very clear that he will not put up with anything of the sort
Cares about the soul, not the outward appearance *obviously...since he went on a date with me AND said he wants to do it again
Makes me feel special *seriously...I felt like we were the only people in DQ and no one else mattered. It was nice. And he didn't text once, even though I knew he was getting texted. That goes under respectful category as well.
Gentleman *opened every door for me and paid for ice cream
Supportive *I get the feeling he would be from what he says...but again too soon to tell
Kind *so very kind. dished out sincere complements that I knew without a doubt he was saying because he meant it
Playful *I think he could be...but I also think he might have been a tad nervous. But he has a good sense of humor
Can put up with me and my annoying/quirky characteristics *he made it through a mini date and expressed that he would like to get to know me thats a plus. We'll see if he feels the same when he gets to know me better.

The ones that aren't bold, it takes me time to really trust that they are true. But from what he says and the way he acts (and the response I got from family/friends who know him) I have a feeling that the rest could be good as well. He is the first person EVER to have soo many of the attributes I figured I'd have to compromise on because no one possesses them anymore it seems.

Funny story....I am a nervous wreck about this dating thing. I really haven't ever done the dating thing LDS style. In previous experience, if the guy didn't try to come on to you or something comparable, he didn't like you. Thats not how it works LDS style and I'm finding I'm very insecure about that. We had a great time, he expressed that he wanted to get to know me better and go out again sometime soon, even gave me a big hug when he left. But today, I find myself wondering if he changed his mind and realized I'm a complete whack job. Do I text him? Should I wait for him to text me? Do I have to wait that standard 3 days before contact? I don't want to be stalkerish and creepy or overbearing and scare him away. But what if he is waiting for me to contact him and when I don't he thinks I am no longer interested? Am I really a complete whack job for real? I'm starting to think so. This is why I hate dating. I guess it will pay off in the end and I just need to chill out. But its REALLY hard not to have that anxiety. Bah. I cannot wait until this part of my life is done and over with. I just wrote that sentence he texted me. Hehe. I really need to chill. When I get this way...someone please slap me and bring me back to reality.

So wish me luck in this scary but kinda fun dating realm. I'm kind of looking forward to the ride, even with all the hard times that are going to come along.

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