Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Glitter in the Air

Anyone who knows me knows that I love music. Love it. Music makes me feel, makes me think. Music can make me happy or make me sad. Music can calm me down or pump me up. So many of my feelings are tied to music. This morning my song is Glitter in the Air by Pink. Its beautiful. The lines that speak to me.....

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself if it will ever get better than tonight?
Its only a half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

These are only part of the lyrics, but they are the lines that jab me in the heart. And for some reason helped me get out of this......

Last night I had a point of....depression maybe? I'm not sure what it was...but it went something like "I am sooo tired of having to work soo flipping hard for everything I want...and really...everything I need in my life."
Since being on my own, I've had to work to pull myself out of a very deep low point I went through for about a year after I seperated. I've had to work at being a better mom, at working job after job to keep enough money coming in to be able to support my family on my own. I've had to suck my pride in and take a trip to loserville to ask for help (which I hate due to my wierd obsession with having to do everything myself and feeling like a total and complete failure if I have to ask for help) and feel like I was/am a huge pain in the butt to those who have helped me...namely my parents. I've had to work at keeping friendships only to have them lost later on. At relationships that I knew weren't right, but I was soo lonely I was willing to grasp on to them until I knew with every fiber of my being they needed to end. I've had to work hard on this chub deal (which isn't going so well) which sounds minor but it truly brings me down that I'm failing. And by far the hardest thing I am emotionally struggling with is keeping myself clean (not hygiene wise, I have no issues showering...church wise). I can tell a HUGE difference between when I got that all resolved...and how I feel today. And it's not a good thing how I am today. I feel like I have a whole lot of dreams and desires...but they are all sooo unobtainable and I'm backsliding at a high rate of speed. In essence...right now...I feel like a complete failure. Is it really worth it to work so flipping hard with only minimal results? I kept thinking last night "Why can't I just have ONE easy out? Just one. One thing to go right and stay right so I can have a little hope that the rest will fall in to place." 

But...then I realized that no matter how much I beg, plead or pray...no matter how much I hate it...I'm going to have to work hard and I will not get an easy out. I'll get little blessings to help along the way and pick me up when I fall...but not carry my entire load so I can have a free ride. And it sucks. And I hate it because I'm soooo exhausted and ready to just give it all up. But...if I don't do this (meaning all the stuff I'm working on right now) for myself then it won't get done. Not to mention everything that happens to me is directly tied to my kids...and I really don't have the money to pay for the therapy I'm sure they already need so I gots to try not to make it any worse. So I'm pulling myself up by the boot straps. And focusing on the positives that are going on right now, cause there are alot of them. I have just been blinded a little, thats all.

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