Wednesday, August 24, 2011

An inside look on de kimmeh brain....

I've been following a blog called Fighting Off Frumpy and she has inspired me. She is hilarious, I totally suggest you go check her out. Anyway...she has inspired this post. So we are gonna get down and gritty....hold on tight for the ride.

I've never felt like I was skinny. Ever. I've always had some sort of a body issue from as far back as 2nd grade. I remember feeling fat because I was bigger than the other girls. In reality, I really wasn't fat. Thicker that others...yes. But considering I got boobs and started that "girly thing" in 4th grade...I was a bit further along in "blossoming" than other girls. If ya'll know what I mean. When I was looking at some old pictures my mom had dug up of me back in the younger years, I realized that I was retarded. I was not fat. Yes I was alittle bit heavier, but seriously...I played soccer, tennis, softball, basketball...I danced...I wasn't fat.


I'm fat. My body looks like a 80 year old lady who has a big ball of dough stuck to her tummy. (And arms. And thighs. And butt.....) It's not a pretty sight. It was hard going from 17 year old body to pregnant body to BOOM old lady body in a matter of 8 months. What caused this? Well the stupid notion that you could eat whatever you wanted and not exercise while prego. And then getting married too young, being a kid having a kid, knowing your new husband didn't really love you but trying to make it work threw me into a major depression. I lived far away enough from my family and my friends that I felt like a secluded little girl stuck in a trailer with a newborn and a husband who was never home. I cooked when I was bored. Or ate junk food. My favorite choice of junk food was double stuffed mint oreos. More than once I ate an entire package by myself in one sitting. So that extra 40 lbs that I gained during my pregnancy inched up and up and up until...(sigh this is hard to admit but I need to....) I was over 100 lbs overweight. Seriously. I was perfectly content to stay at home in shorts and a stained T with no makeup on and my hair a hot mess. I loathed going out because I would have to get ready and NOTHING I owned fit. I'd wear my husbands pants and shirts, but even they were tight. And I hated even more having to buy fat clothes. So it was easier to wallow in my own self loathing at home looking horrendous.

As time went on, I would pull myself out of this depression a little and get (at least) dressed for the day. I'd drop 10-15 lbs here and there but I always gained it back. Getting pregnant again luckily only had me gain 20 lbs and some of it slipped off rather easily, but I attribute that to the stress of having a child with issues at birth. And then surgeries, doc appointments, etc. You kinda HAVE to not look like a hot mess for that stuff. But...I was still depressed. This is the time frame that I finally came to terms and realized I was being cheated on. To what extent, I did not know. But I'd found enough evidence that I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore. I felt horrible. I was scared. I went back into an even deeper depression because I knew that leaving this marriage would be difficult and who would want to be with this whale-ish girl I had turned into anyway? Finally...I'd had enough. I found a way out with an opportunity I had been presented with in Oregon and I was done. I went there, lost 30 lbs in the short time I was there and felt fantastic. Until I had to return to real life and deal with the mess I had created at home.

Fast forward past the downward spiral I threw myself into of making not so smart choices and such...and stop at getting pregnant with Ryder. I was scared, embarassed, even more depressed, but he pulled me out of the bad choices I was making and I begin my upward descent. I only gained like 15 lbs with him and lost it rather quickly. but then it shot back up and I was hitting that 100 lbs overly obese high again. And I felt like crap. I was depressed, my life wasn't going how I had hoped....and then I got pregnant with Grayson. My little angel Grayson. That was a huge turning point for me. In his little time with me he made me take a real good look at myself and figure out what I was doing and why I was continually screwing myself over time and time again. He also opened my eyes to the blessings of God. Truly, he was a blessing. A very heartbreaking and sad blessing, but he changed me. I was still depressed but I knew I could pull out of it and I knew that I needed to if I wanted to be able to see him again one day. It took time...but I gained confidence and hope that things could be better. Slowly I realized that I'm a good person. I really am. I started going back to church, making better choices, joined Weight Watchers, and lost 22 lbs.

That brings me to today. I have been going through a slump of wondering why its really worth the hard work and dedication it takes to give back to myself. I felt AMAZING when I was eating healthy and working out, making smart choices and taking time for me instead of focusing 100% on my kids 100% of the time. I deserved a little me time. Everyone does. So why was I having such issues?
Well....reading Rita's story struck a cord. She had hit her low. She knew she was miserable and had absolutely no desire to get her butt off the couch. However she was trying to fight off being that frumpy woman she felt she was turning into. And guess what? She did it. She lost the weight she had packed on...she gave back to herself. She managed it with 3 kids as well and did so with a good sense of humor along the way. It was soooo nice to know that I wasn't the only one who has been going through these feelings of inadequacy and it was also VERY inspiring knowing that she had trudged through and made it! Which means that I just might have a chance of doing that as well!

So here I stand (or sit) to make a commitment. I am going to give to myself. I'm going to do what I can to make my body strong and healthy. It will take little baby steps, but I've already done some of those with Weight Watchers and need to get back on it. I know it works, I just need to have a little faith. And I need to know that I am ok. Because I am. I'm awesome. I just haven't realized that yet. But its time to yank the boot straps and get on it. And when I do mess up...I'm not going to criticize myself any longer. Cause ya know...this is not just a temporary thing. There will be ups and downs....and thats just part of life. But I will forgive myself and move on. So....there ya go. You now know WAY more than you probably ever wanted to about this girl....but I'm hoping that in a year I will be able to revisit this post and say...

"Ya know? I did it. I got past it. And hopefully I inspired someone else along the way to take their life back."

So ya'll I hope you have a great day today...and remember that your awesome. Truly amazing. And don't forget that. :)

P.S. look forward to a riveting future post on my thoughts of the state welfare system....should be a good one!

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