Friday, August 19, 2011

Nerves man...they get to you

I've been a little scatter brained this week, probably from moving then the vaca and now school starting. Its been a blur. A very fun and exciting blur...but there are a whole lot of changes all happening one after another. I always thought I was one who could handle change. I've gone through several changes in my little lifetime and have taken them in stride. But for some reason, the recent changes are getting to me.

Moving was great. We are in a smaller place, yes, but it is much more managable than our monsterous old place and has more amenities. I'm happy with that decision. The job front is still a tad scary since funding is up in the air (which is probably where most of my anxiety lies to be honest) but I'm praying like crazy it will work out. The boys LOVED their first day of school. I was a horrible parent and forgot to take pictures...yeah I know. But I will take them once we do our official school shopping on Monday. Then you can be privvy to their 3rd day...or probably more likely their 4th day of school. Its the thought that counts...right? Right?! Anyway.

The biggest change for me personally is going back to school. I'm ecstatic to be finishing my education, but for some reason the nerves have set in. Maybe it's cause I'm old and going back to school. Or knowing its going to be ALOT of work in addition to raising my kids and work responsibilities. But I keep reminding myself that I am doing this for my kids. I'm doing this so that I can gain the education I need to be able to provide a better life for them. That is what counts.

Another thing that is positive about school is that I will have more socializing opportunities. On pretty much a daily basis my kids let me know that "we wish you would hurry up and get married so that we could have a good dad." They don't quite understand that you can't just walk up to some dude and be like "Hey! My name is Kim and I have three boys who really want a dad who will play with them, read with them, spend time with them, and all that jazz. You up for all that? Cause if so, lets get hitched..." Believe me.....I wish it was that easy. So maybe getting out and meeting people and all that jazz will put a little boost in that side of my life? Maybe.

I've also realized that I need to get back on the WW bandwagon. Even though I haven't gained back more than a pound of my weight lost, the muscle is leaving and fat is replacing it. I can physically see the change. And it sucks. So I need some way to boost my enthusiasm and get back into it. I think going to school will help, and I might use the hour break I get between two of my classes to jog on the track at the University. Since I don't have room for my treadmill and I always worry about jumping around in my apartment since I'm on the 2nd floor, I am having to be more creative. I think I will start up on my WiiFit again though. I did love that and I don't think it causes too much ruckus. Now I just need to get my butt moving.....

On the ex front, the legal paperwork is with the judge at the moment and all he needs to do is sign it. How long does it take to sign exactly? Well...we've been waiting for about 3 or 4 weeks now. But sooner or later it will all be done. Crossing fingers that its the sooner part instead of the later part. I've been kind of shocked about things that have happened during this whole process. From being lied to by the ex, to his fiance's family cornering my family to ask why I'm so horrible and such, to his dad yelling and degrading me, to a great family member coming forward to let me know they saw past his lies (thank have no idea what that meant to me) to another family member who has now called my phone a total of 8 times in the past 3 days. And I'm not going to answer because quite frankly my emotions cannot handle anymore of their bashing on me. The boys are starting to see past it too and when I told them that things were finally cleared for them to go back to seeing their dad on the weekends they both started crying and begged me not to make them go. Then started the compromise thing again of "just make us go one day and then come get us" or "how about we only go for one weekend a month instead of all of them?" It breaks my heart. I guess its a good thing he hasn't tried to take them yet, but it still makes me feel bad. I know that their dad has a good heart, he is just making some bad choices right now that are affecting them and I feel like all of my efforts to make sure they WEREN'T affected by this has gone down the drain. Oh well...the only thing to do now is to just keep praying that everything will work as it is supposed to.

Well....thats all folks. Thanks for listening to my rants and raves and have a good weekend!

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