Is It Ever Gonna End??

Since I've lived by myself, I have a growing anxiety that comes along constantly, and its usually at night while I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep. Last night, I was in that 'I'm awake but still vividly dreaming' phase whilst having said anxiety. I think I've mentioned it before, but I have fear and anxiety about someone breaking into my house while we are sleeping. And every time its a different scenerio. What brought on these thoughts? Wierd banging noises that were probably from my neighbors but sounded like they were right downstairs. Yay neighbors.

The scenerio of tonights fantastic attack included the bad guy breaking the glass back door and coming up to my room. He had a knife this time and kept asking me if anyone else was in the house. I wouldn't answer so he started threatening me with his knife. I ran through a couple options. I could either tell him yes I have kids here, but I don't want to invoke him hurting the boys. I could say there are no other adults here, and leave it at that. I could just outright deny anyone else being here, but then what if the boys woke up? And he had a response to all of them. Mostly the responses were to the effect of "don't lie to me, I saw the pictures of your kids downstairs." and "I will go find out for myself."

From here it also played into a couple scenerios.

One...Nate wakes up at the commotion and I tell him to grab the other two and run to the neighbors house. He asks which neighbor and I tell him 41. Then when he starts chasing down the kids I tackle him and become a bloody mess while they run to the neighbors but at least I tackle the guy down so he can't hurt them. Then wierdly have the thought pop into my mind to have Nate tell the nieghbors sorry for waking them up, even though I know they would do what they could to help regardless of the time of night. They are super nice and selfless people.

Next one...my mind sifted through all the things I could grab to get him away, like my lamp or a curling iron. Then hit him in the head and go get the boys and run to the neighbors, but no one answers the door and he chases after us.

Another one...the bad guy starts for the boys' bedrooms and I knock him out of the way, grab Nate and hide in Ty and Ryder's room. Then quickly realize that was a stupid idea because now we have no way to get out and he will probably come kill us all.

And another...he heads for the boys' rooms and is all set to kill them all and I try my best to jump in the way of the knife, and tell for Nate to get the other two out of the house and to the neighbors for help.

And the last one...he comes at me while I'm in bed and I try my best to dial 911 on my phone without him knowing and hope that the cops don't think its a prank call. And then dream that they come by just to see, and when no one answers they go away. I consider rolling under the bed then realize he will just have me trapped until I decide to come out and get stabbed. Then I consider all sorts of moves to hurt him and get him out of the way, but worry I'm not strong enough to do the kind of damage I'd have to do to have time to gather the boys and get out. And figure if I wasn't strong enough, that would just make him mad and he'd just kill me, then I couldn't do anything to protect the boys.

The moral of the story? This is why I think I'm attracted to military men. I know they could protect me and the boys if we were in harms way. It really makes me want to go take some self defense classes. It also makes me want to get a gun and stow it by my bed (even though I don't think that is safe at all to have one that is not put out of kids' reach). And finally...it makes me want to put a heavy blunt object of some sort by my bed (safer than a gun!) that I would be able to defend myself with. What exactly? I'm not sure.

One more reason I wish the universe and I would align so a hubby could come my way.