Friday, March 25, 2011

Thoughts and Heartache

Do you ever have an all of a sudden heartache? Or how certain things recall lots of memories? For me it's music and smells. More so the music right now. I am listening to the Hallelujiah song from Shrek (except its the version from the HUGS video). I love this song. But it recalls memories. I'm not sure how they got tied to this particular song, but they did. And its not an actual sadness per say, just a fleeting heartache (yes I'm sure its not a heart attack). Its hard to explain.

It makes me think of my friend Evan, who passed on recently. He was in such a huge amount of pain, and I didn't even realize it. It makes me sad that I soo judgemental and figured he was fine, just needing attention. It is a regret I will have for a very long time. I still think of him often. And thats wierd to me, because its not normally how I handle deaths, but I also think other things have changed me a bit. It also makes me think of the 2 other people that I knew who have died since then. I wasn't close to them by any means, but its just an odd thing when 3 people you know die in a matter of like, a month.

And then of course, it makes me think of Grayson. My sweet Grayson. He was a true miracle. I don't know if I'll ever be the same me as I was before he touched my life. And I don't know that I want to be. I also don't know that anyone else would notice a change in me, but its something inside that got touched, tweaked a little bit. Even as I sit here I go back to when he was born and the events that happened there after. I see my family there with me, my dad and brother giving a blessing to him. Funny how when I think back, thats the first thing that pops in my head. My family....and that blessing. I don't think its sporatic.

The boys will just stand there and look at his picture. It makes me wonder what they are thinking.

After Evans funeral we went to the graveside and as we were getting back in the car, Nate asked me if while we were there we could ask the people at the cemetary to get Grayson a spot too.

Heartache. And wishing things could be different.

But its fleeting and it will go away. So maybe this kind of thing just happens to remind us that we need to be grateful for those who have touched our lives, either alive or passed on. And to remind us to give free hugs every once in awhile, or just take a second out of our day to make sure those we care about are doing okay.

So to leave today...the lyrics of a song I will always love, Go Rest Ye High On That Mountain of which was sung at Evans funeral.

"I know your life on earth was troubled and only you could know the pain. You weren't afraid to face the devil, you were no stranger to pain. Oh how we cried the day you left us and gathered around your grave to grieve. Wish I could see the angels faces when they hear your sweet voice sing. Go rest high on that mountain, cause son, your work on Earth is done. Go to Heaven a shoutin your love for the Father and the Son"

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