Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Irony of Mothers Day

So I've found this blog to be more of a journaling thing for me versus just sharing whats going on in our for todays post...just bare with me. Or skip this post. I won't be offended I promise. But this ones a bit close to my heart.

I have a desktop calender at work that I store my work related stuff as well as birthdays, the kids' school things, other events going on, etc. I was writing in the trips and events during my May month...and ran across Mothers Day. Why is this important? Because this year Grayson's birthday lands smack on Mothers Day. I handle pain and sadness different than most. I generally just go numb and choose not to feel it. But every so often it will creep up. Generally, its when the boys ask about him. They ask when we can get him a grave, where is his at, where can we go to visit him, when will we see him again....
The other day we ran out of gas (shocking I know haha) by the cemetary so I pulled in to wait for a friend to rescue me since my normal rescuers (my parents) were out of town that day. The boys and I decided to walk around and right in front of where we parked was the grave of a baby girl. A few feet away was a baby boy. As we walked around, there were a shocking number of baby angel graves. It made my heart break a little that my emotions surrounding Grayson coming prevented him from having that too. The boys are a bit sad about that as well, but life goes on. Which brings me to my next point.
I feel like I shouldn't just let the day pass without remembering him, but I don't know what to do. I feel deep down that he should be remembered, but on the surface I feel like I'm being silly at the same time. I don't by any means want people to feel/think that I'm trying to get attention, or make anyone feel bad for me, because that is not the case in any way. I have that fear with alot of things, but especially this. It's just a personal internal warfare that needs to be unleashed from time to time.
Life has moved on for me and its not something I would normally dwell on, but at the same time...he is very much apart of my family and in my heart and the boys' hearts. Bah. Why is life so challenging sometimes?


  1. If you didn't feel that way about Grayson I would think you didn't care about him at all. And you should. He's your baby. And one day, if you live up to it, you'll actually get to raise him. He should be remembered on his birthday every year. Even if it's something as simple as releasing one balloon into the sky, or sharing a cake with the other boys. He's part of your family. I know this is hard for you and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, and I hope you know were always here for you.

  2. Thanks I appreciate it. And I hope your doin well with your lil girl on the way!