|via Greg Olsen|
I'm sitting here with so much on my mind and I have no idea how to put any of it into words without losing it. How do you put this into words without sounding like a big baby? Or feeling ridiculous for not "getting over it" already. So this will probably not make sense to anyone but myself, but this is my place to brain dump and get my feelings out so that is that.
You would think that 3 years later this would be easier, but instead it seems that it gets harder. How is that? Isn't time supposed to heal wounds...not make them worse? It is starting to get harder and harder to see kids that would be Grayson's age. It's hard to feel like something is missing from your heart. From your family. From your home. What does he look like? Is he talking and walking? Is he fiesty or shy? Does he like to snuggle up at night like his brothers? Who is taking care of my baby? Does he have anyone there to take care of him? To protect him?
It was so long ago and we have nothing for him really, it almost seems like he wasn't real. Maybe I'm afraid of losing him or his memory. Maybe thats why its so hard, I am wanting so badly to make sure he is remembered. But I don't have much for him. No body, no record of birth or death, nothing. Just a few pictures and his memory. But that should be enough shouldn't it?
I'm not sure how to not let it get harder. All of the things that other mothers who'd lost children were describing at that time, I am feeling now. I don't understand it. I probably never will. All I know is that I miss my baby more than ever and I want him here with me now. But I can't have him. I will never have him in this life. He is gone. And even though this life is just a brief period of time in the big picture, it seems like forever right at this very moment. I want my baby. I want my Grayson.