I know how it feels to avoid looking in the mirror because what is staring back is disgusting.
I know how it feels to avoid shopping because its embarassing having to go into the big girl section.
I know how it feels to sit in the dark, late at night, stuffing your face with whatever you can find because you hate how you look and that will somehow magically fix things. In your head anyway.
I know how it feels to crash and feel like nothing will ever change how you are.
I know how it feels to use rubber bands to hook your pants together because they no longer button up
I know how it feels to lift up your arm and realize, almost out of the blue, that your arm flap is almost as big as your head.
I know how it feels to look in the mirror and not even recognize the person looking back.
I know how it feels to cry so hard it makes you sick because you know your fat and feel like its a hopeless cause.
I know how it feels to feel worthless.
I know how it feels to walk in a room and feel like everyone is staring at you not because you look great, but because you are fat.
I know how it feels to wish that people could say something more than "You have such a pretty face."
I know how it feels to buy clothes on a whim that look huge thinking they will fit, then going home and realizing they are actually too small.
I know how it feels to have to lift up fat rolls to bath properly.
I know how it feels to avoid getting photos taken because it's too embarassing to see how fat you've gotten.
I know how it feels to feel like all the hard work you put into losing the weight doesn't seem to make a difference.
I know how it feels to wish soo badly that you could fit in with the pretty girls.
I know how it feels to sit next to a skinny person and be uncomfortable the entire time because you realize it would take two of them to make up one of you.
I know how it feels to see sooo many cute styles that you know you will never be able to wear.
I know how it feels to be afraid of the end result of losing weight (loose skin, stretch marks, all around hideous things)
I know how it feels to be soo very alone because you completely isolate yourself just knowing that no one will like you because your fat.
I know how it feels to avoid carnival rides because the one time you did go on one, the carny looked at you with pity and the others around stifled laughs as the seat tipped a little.
I know how it feels to avoid movie theatres because the seats were just tight enough to be uncomfortable.
I know how it feels to feel your fat jiggling every time you walk (or worse, go up stairs).
I know how it feels to wear spandex every day because otherwise you know that clothes would look even worse on you if fat was hanging out everywhere.
I know how it feels to get tired of healthy food and realize that unhealthy food is a whole lot easier to make/prepare/eat.
I also know how it feels when you step on the scale and you have lost weight.
And how it feels when people start saying how great you look.
And how guys start noticing you again.
And how you look in the reflection and realize that your looking slimmer in your clothes.
And how you can actually look in the mirror and smile, realizing that you are beautiful.
And how you get excited to exercise because it feels soo good afterwards.
And how wonderful it is to be able to run, for the first time ever, without getting winded right away.
And how much confidence is boosted because you realize your accomplishing your goals.
And how you start to love youself, no matter what.
And how you have a sudden burst of confidence and sit by the pretty girls, who are actually very nice and not judgemental at all.
And how you feel soo good when you look in your shopping cart and its full of beautiful, healthy foods instead of junk.
And how your kids tell you how very proud of you they are.
Whats the point of all this? I'm really struggling right now....and I need to remember what it's like to be in the second group. And...on the off chance someone else feels these feelings sometimes, I want them to know that they aren't alone or crazy like I feel sometimes. And....I hope that sometime in the near future my second list will be longer than the first. I'll let you know when that time comes.